#YoureSingleBecause

Relationships are mirrors that help us see ourselves.

Though I’m sure many of you heard of, indulged in, or seen the likes of the trending topic #ImSingleBecause on Twitter–none of you have been so incensed by it as I am. In typical Twitter fashion (for those of you still living under a rock), during a trending topic, people all around the world will use this social network to write 140 character statements describing how they feel or happenings in their lives. The statements, called “tweets,” then broadcast to a group of your friends called “followers” and if you have an open account (vs. a private one) to the world. Therefore, a “trending topic” becomes an opportunity for the whole world, literally, to talk about one thing. All the tweeters have to do is mark their tweets with a hash tag (#) and the topic at hand. In the case of #Imsinglebecause, the 140 characters supposedly explain why the tweeter feels he or she has no luck in the relationship department. And every time someone marks a tweet with #imsinglebecause, the hashtag becomes a link in the tweet. The link leads to a grand list of everyone on Twitter currently talking about that same thing. To access the list, you simply click the hashtag. For the creator of the Misadventures, a blog for young singles and young daters who want to better themselves, it would seem a list of this capacity would be EPIC (notice the capitalization–for dramatic emphasis). Young men and young women everywhere coming together to admit their faulty dating practices–what could be better than that??

Well let’s take a looksy shall we?

Ahhh. Well it seems as though I was even more wrong than those May 21st judgement day people who quit their jobs (in THIS economy). Instead of insightful, self-aware answers–this trending topic, like plenty others before it–turned out to be more evidence that my generation is doomed. I cringed inside as I noticed the vast majority of these tweeters blamed their single status on factors outside of themselves. No one seemed to consider that the reason they were single had something to do with them. And I fear that even outside of Twitter, many people don’t understand that small fact–you’re single because of you.

The Relationship As A Mirror Theory

Whether we’re talking about the habitual liar YOU picked up at the club last night or the crazy girl YOU introduced to your parent’s last month, the operative word is YOU. You were attracted, you pursued, you gave your number out, you said “I do”–no one else but you. Typically, when I start talking like this, many people get defensive. I hear things like “but I didn’t know he was crazy. If I knew, I wouldn’t have dated him” or “man that girl cheated on me! how is that my fault?” or the infamous, “I can’t help who I am attracted to.” And to a certain extent, that is correct. Attraction has a lot of chemical, scientific, and spiritual factors that you are not aware of and therefore cannot control. But there is also an extent to which that is completely incorrect. A pastor once told me, “you are what you attract.” Which means there is something about you that attracts lying men and crazy women. It is no coincidence that a woman with very low self-worth will attract a man that beats her. If she beats on herself, she is more likely to take it from someone else.

Still not following me? I’ll give you a personal example. As some of you know, my last relationship was with a man we call Mr. Lies-About-Everything-But-His-Name. Not so surprisingly, Mr. Lies-About-Everything-But-His-Name also happened to be extremely unfaithful to me. And when I found out about his infidelities, I would use that as an opportunity to enact my own brand of justice. I cheated back. Also, not so surprisingly, he wasn’t the only person I had this relationship pattern with. I’d done the same thing with the boyfriend before him. In fact, I’d done it all throughout my dating life. The boy would cheat or I assumed he cheated and I’d use that as a justification to cheat myself. Because of this, I remember accumulating 7 “boyfriends” at once when I was a teenager. So when Mr. Right-For-Now pointed out my fear of commitment, I started to connect all of the dots. Maybe I’d always dated a cheater because there was a part of me that was prone to cheating. If I dated the faithful kind of guy, he’d expect that I’d also be faithful. And maybe I just didn’t have that in me. So I found myself with cheaters.

The key to understanding your patterns is realizing you play out most of them subconsciously. I didn’t wake up saying “let me see, let me see, who’s going to cheat on me today? Ah you there, fella in the blue, you look like a cheater. Here, take my number!” Au contraire. I saw a cute guy and flirted with him until he decided to ask for my number. Nothing more, nothing less. Or so it will seem to the untrained eye. Without the help of a mirror, the untrained eye cannot see what it cannot see. You will only have a very fragmented idea of what you look like. You might be able to feel the width of your nose with your hands or trace the curve of your chin with your fingertips–but that’s just a fraction of the big picture that is you. So, if you allow them into your life, relationships–whether healthy or non–can act as mirrors of the subconscious, reflecting the inner most beliefs, desires, and feelings. Relationships help you see the things you otherwise wouldn’t. As my boss would say, how you “show up” in the mirror of relationships is often how you “show up” in the mirror of life.

The next time you’re tempted to type #Imsinglebecause no one holds my attention, look a little deeper. What you’re really saying is #Imsinglebecause in general I’m an unfocused person and I don’t have the focus to be in a relationship right now. Or when you go to write #Imsinglebecause women aren’t mature enough, think about the things inside of you that might’ve attracted those immature women. Maybe as a man, you’ve got some more growing up to do yourself. (I think my friend, the ever so eloquent Katt Williams, said it best. If you can see past the expletives, please enjoy the clip I’ve embedded below!) The key to ridding yourself of harmful habits is to own them. If you understand that your lack of ambition will attract a lazy person into your life, then you can start looking into ways to get motivated. When you make a decided effort to become Mr. or Ms. Right, it’ll be much easier to bump into someone looking for just that.

8 Reasons To Wife Her…A Man’s Perspective

 Note from the editor:

As the Misadventures experiences growth (thanx to all of you), I’m very much open to the contributions of other writers. So with no further adieu, I bring you the words of D. L. Smith. And I hope you enjoy them! –Love Ms. Not-Right-Now

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

 D. L. Smith is a recent college graduate who enjoys corny jokes, crisp pizza, and horror movies in ghetto theaters. Ladies, he is also very single. And he’s probably going to kill me for saying that. LOL. Follow him on twitter at @EnjoyThat.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

“Wife her because she wants to see you grow.” – D. L. Smith

(1) Looks.

“Yo your wife is bad son,” is probably one of the best compliments a man feels he can receive. It shows that he knows how to pick ’em and keep ’em. We must be clear that looks are not the sole nor main reason to wife a girl. But they do play an important role. When you see attractive women daily, you need to be able to resist the temptation. Being satisfied with how your lady looks will help buffer daily testosterone outbreaks. Find someone who you’re proud to make your girl. Wife her because you are happy coming home to her face everyday.

(2) Attractive Personality.

Uh-oh, everybody just got quiet. This is the most important factor in wifing her. This is also the most complex of all the reasons. To start out, knowing what personality traits you find attractive begins with knowing yourself (PREACH!) Once we know what we like, don’t like, can tolerate, can’t tolerate, need, and expect, then we can decide what personalities are poppin’ to us. What I like may not be what you like. I like girls who are ambitious and funny. You may like the girl who is lazy and corny. To each his own, ya dig? But seriously, all of us, male and female, need to know ourselves first. So do some soul searching. Be real to yourself because if you can’t keep it real with yourself, how can you expect to keep it real with anybody else?

(3) Common Interests.

I actually got this from my uncle this past 4th of July weekend when I asked what keeps him and his wife of 49 years together. Find things that both of you like. You don’t have to enjoy everything each other does. But make sure that some of the things you genuinely enjoy doing, she likes doing–or can at least happily tolerate. And vice versa. If my girl loves to  dance, listen to music, and praise the Lord (Hallelujah!), then she’s in the running for me. If she likes Rick Ross as an artist/entertainer/person, WE WON’T WORK! Certain interests say things about a person. It doesn’t matter what you two have in common just make  sure that the things that are most fun to you, you can still do while she’s around.

(4) Humor!

Why did the fish get kicked out of school? He got caught with Sea-weed. If you and your partner can’t laugh together, you might as well kiss the whole relationship goodbye. SERIOUSLY. Sometimes she just needs to smile and the simplest way to a smile is through a laugh. If you’ve ever connected with a woman on that level you know what I’m talking about. You can laugh just by looking at each other. Make sure you two share a similar humor; this will make difficult times a lot easier.

(5) Financial Humility.

Yeah, she makes money but she doesn’t throw it in your face.  She still allows you to be a man and doesn’t let your (sometimes pitiful) attempts to financially provide for her go unappreciated. If she makes more than you, she doesn’t make you feel inadequate. She knows she doesn’t need you to pay for everything but she still recognizes how important it is to have a man in her life. And she lets you fill that void.

(6) Swag.

This is a make or break. If she is the type of woman who is too scared to be herself, regardless of who she’s around, this woman will lose out on a lot of good men. She must express herself (WITH TACT) and have confidence in her beliefs. She can’t be too shy. We ALL have to remember that no one can judge us but God–so stop worrying about what the next person thinks. PSA: You find self-esteem from your SELF. Not from any organization you join, any magazine you subscribe to, or any clothes and make-up you wear. Self-esteem comes from knowing yourself flaws and all, accepting it, and having the courage to be who God made you to be. Stop trying to be someone else. It is not sexy. Wife her because she’s confident in her own mind, body, and spirit.

(7) Integrity.

This is the woman with strong moral values. She loves hard. She doesn’t hate. Difficult to imagine but they exist. It takes a certain amount of life experience and growth for anyone to even reach this level. A woman with integrity is the one who is beautiful from every angle AND faithful as a mug. Once you build trust with her, it takes a lot to break it. I’m not saying she’s incapable of infidelity, lying, or what-have-you. But she will come to you and honestly confess her faults. A real man can only respect the way she goes about it because he knows no one is perfect. Her honesty is attractive. Knowing and trusting in her morals allows you to feel secure even when she’s backstage at the Trey Songz concert (DAAAYUM!! That’s extreme). You can be confident that even if something happens that may upset you, she will at least tell you about it. And that’s the most we can ask for. But it goes both ways. If we want these characteristics in a woman, we have to act the same way. Perfection is impossible but keeping honesty at the center of a relationship is damn good.

(8) Positive Support.

Often people will try to pass their negativity off as “realism.” True, as men we need to be smart and logical in our decisions and adventures. But if a man has a dream he wants support from his woman–NOT all the reasons why he shouldn’t do it. Encourage her to be critical of you but don’t allow her pessimism and fear to stop you from reaching your goals. As (black) men, there are already enough outside factors deterring us from believing in ourselves so we need positive inspiration in our romantic relationships to succeed. Wife her because she wants to see you grow.

11 Famous Men I’d Legitimately Date…

…If I were–you know–single!

11. Taylor Lautner

The Rundown

|age: 19

|sign: aquarius

|where you know him from: twilight saga

Admittedly, this one is completely superficial. Although I found Jacob’s immaturity a little obnoxious while reading the Twilight Series, Taylor “Hotner” brings a boy-next-door lovableness to the character and makes some of the movies (cough cough New Moon) a bit more bearable. It’s no wonder everyone’s #teamwerewolf! And I’ve always admired how he gained weight just for the role. When the new directors of Twilight threatened to replace him, he completely committed to changing his body. That’s true dedication to the eyes of women everywhere!

1o. Jamie Foxx

The Rundown

|age: 43

|sign: sagittarius

|where you know him from: the bench rider turned star player Willie Beamen in Any Given Sunday

Quite typical of a Sagittarius, Foxx loves to laugh and doesn’t take life too seriously. And in the looks department, let’s just say he’s come a long way since Bunz in Booty Call. So it wouldn’t be exactly love at first sight with Foxx. But the man is undeniably talented. Singing. Acting. Comedy. What doesn’t this man do–and do well? After his stellar performance in Ray, my respect for Foxx sky rocketed. In order to best portray the troubled, blind crooner, Foxx agreed to glue his eyes shut for the role. Which won him the 3rd Academy Award awarded to a black male for best actor in a leading role. He’s one man who knows how to use what God’s given him–and I will always Love him for that!

9. Nate Parker

The Rundown

|age: 31

|sign: scorpio

|where you know him from: the quick-witted bad boy Henry Lowe in Great Debaters

I don’t know much about this kid but I LOVE the roles he plays. He blessed the screen as book-toting nomad bad-ass Henry Lowe in Great Debaters, Alicia Keys’ stubborn love interest in The Secret Life of Bees, and the security guard with a conscious in Felon. He always plays this character who’s got the perfect blend of bad and good, masculinity and intelligence, strength and emotionalism. In other words, he’s  a good guy but he ain’t no pussy. And it makes me wonder if he’s like that in real life. It doesn’t hurt that he looks damn good in suspenders and driver’s caps! *sigh*

8. Will Smith

The Rundown

|age: 42

|sign: virgo

|where you know him from: your favorite womanizing police officer Mike Lowry

From his family life to his many talents in front of and behind the camera, the Fresh Prince turned out to be a rather respectable man–and a handsome one. I find it most attractive that Will Smith and family use their privileged position in society to teach the world and make it a better place. Movies like Ali, Pursuit of Happyness, I Am Legend, and Seven Pounds have a surprisingly profound positive message. And there’s nothing sexier than a man with a cause and the drive to change the things he sees around him. Smith is a true role model! If you’re wondering why he’s so low on the list, I can’t necessarily say that I agree with him and Jada’s arrangement. Even though they’re not really swingers, Smith admitted in an interview that they are allowed to cheat on one another to a certain extent. I don’t think I’d last very long in a relationship with that arrangement.

7. Common

The Rundown

|age: 39

|sign: pisces

|where you know him from:

Maybe you’re familiar with 1 of his 8 rap albums or you might know him for carrying Alicia Keys down 30 flights of stairs in “Smokin’ Aces” (a rather athletic feat if you ask me!)

Common reminds me a lot of my first real boyfriend. He’s the cool nerd. The kind of guy that probably studies more than you do but he can still dress his a-s-s off. And who doesn’t get weak in the knees for intelligent men with smart fashion sense? Unfortunately, since he’s a Pisces and I’m an Aquarius, I don’t foresee any wedding bells in our fake future. But I’d have at least dated him seriously for a while before I realized it just wouldn’t work out.

6. Wale

The Rundown

|age: 26

|sign: virgo

|where you know him from: as a member of Jay-Z’s Roc Nation and Ricky Rozay’s Maybach Music

This one may come as a surprise to some of you. Wale is hardly the most attractive guy I’ve ever seen but he may definitely be the realest. He’s the kind of guy that slips up on you–especially if he’s your friend first. Not only is Wale a poet (I LOVE poets) but he has a lyrical balance that I haven’t seen since Tupac. He creates a nice combination of music for  entertainment and music for life. And I all the way respect his hustle.

5. Shia LaBeouf

 The Rundown

|age: 25

|sign: gemini

|where you know him from: the alien activity and hot-babe magnet Sam Witwicky

Despite what it may look like, Labeouf has had to overcome a lot of adversity to get where he’s at today. He actually became an actor because his family didn’t have very much money. I’m attracted to a man who hasn’t had everything handed to him his whole life and knows the importance of a good work ethic. Labeouf definitely fits the bill. In addition to being an all-around interesting guy with an incredible background story. I’m sure the conversations would be amazing! And though he wasn’t much of a looker as a kid (remember Even Stevens?), he’s grown into a rather sexy young man.

4. Aaron McGruder

The Rundown

|age: 37

|sign: gemini

|where you know him from: the creator of everyone’s favorite black cartoon family, The Freemans

The Boondocks, particularly the first 2 seasons, is some of the strongest and most controversial satirical writing in history (yes, I feel that strongly about it). So it should come as no surprise that I have a mini crush on its creator. Though he’s dashingly handsome, I’d rather pick his brain. From remaining “cautiously pessimistic” about Obama’s presidency to calling Condoleezza Rice a mass murderer at the NAACP image awards in 2002, Mcgruder knows how to attract controversy because he has a hard time keeping his mouth shut when he feels strongly about something. I think debating McGruder on his politics and his methods would probably be the biggest turn-on of my life.

3. John Legend

The Rundown

|age: 32

|sign: capricorn

|where you know him from: the one who makes you get up and dance every time you hear “Green Light”

This one pains me a little because I don’t think it would work out between the 2 of us–at least not astrologically. But as a man John Legend, born John Stephens, is definitely a force to be reckoned with. Not only does he create some of the greatest music in history with a sound that would make you think of another time period but he’s also an avid humanitarian. Legend spreads his good fortune and faith all across the world through countless acts of community service.

2. Barack Obama

The Rundown

|age: 49

|sign: leo

|where you know him from: extending your health insurance coverage to age 26

I’m not going to debate his politics or what he’s done right or wrong as 44th President of the United States because at the end of the day–he’s just a man. But Obama has an unadulterated,  never duplicated cool. His swag might just be on infinity and beyond! From calling Kanye West a jackass in front of the press to fist-bumping his wife, there’s a certain part of Obama that clearly doesn’t give an eff about tact or cameras. And that makes him a genuine and relatable human being. But what I appreciate most about Obama, if nothing else, is his clear love and devotion to his wife–a strong black woman–and his family. He has set a tremendous example for men everywhere. And you gotta love it!

1. Tupac Shakur

The Rundown

|age: 40

|sign: gemini

|where you know him from: the troubled gangsta Bishop who wanted nothing more than to have the Juice

Tupac Shakur is one of my favorite people who ever lived. It hurts me that he’s not actually around today. I think a lot of things would change because unlike most gangster rappers, Tupac was a warrior. He understood the power of the spoken word and the power of influence. He understood the struggle of the black man and the black woman in America. He had a real voice, a controversial voice, an uplifting voice, an encouraging voice. Overcoming a lot of adversity to act as a voice for a people who had no voice, he embodied the spirit of a Black Panther. And though some of his beliefs and actions were questionable (like his womanizing), he also died very young before we got to see how everything would turn out. I would have loved to see a 30 or 35-year-old matured Tupac. I earnestly believe he’d be doing a lot of good in this world.

***Other notables include: Andre 3000, Mos Def, Lupe Fiasco, Denzel Washington, Spike Lee, Idris Elba, Dwayne Wade, Eric Jerome Dickey, Black Ice, and maybe even Dr. Cornel West (you know–like 30 years ago)

Discretion is a Girl’s Best Friend

Loud. Cantankerous. Fidgety. The clock read 9:17 pm and my 7-year-old self hadn’t stopped riding this morning’s fruity pebble sugar high. The backseat of my Daddy’s ’95 Lexus ES300 had become my own personal McDonald’s Playhouse. I sang, I danced around despite the seat belt, I played imagination games with whatever toy I could find. If I annoyed my father, he never showed it. Daddy simply placed a stern hand on my knee and–in his most serious voice–said to me, “Babygirl, it’s dark outside and it’s time to take a chill pill.” He wanted me to understand that after a certain time of night, people didn’t want to hear loud noise and playing. So when it got dark, I’d have to find other ways to entertain myself–like reading–which is equally if not more fun. I didn’t know it then but Daddy had taught me my first lesson in discretion.

Interestingly enough, discretion has two definitions. (1) The power or right to decide or act according to one’s own judgement. (2) The quality of being discreet, especially with reference to one’s own actions or speech. However, when I’ve seen modern women use discretion they usually take one definition to the heart or the other–never both. Such as Exhibit A, the woman who embodies the first definition.

Exhibit A

Man: Babe, can you fix me a sandwich while you’re in the kitchen?

Woman: Fix you a sandwich? Uhhh this ain’t 1955! Boy you got hands come fix it yourself.

Man: -___-

Typically, this woman revolts against anything “old-school.” She may or may not cook, she may or may not clean, and she probably makes more money than most men. She does what she wants to do when she wants to do it, despite what her man or any man might think. Some call her Ms. Independent because in every facet of life she doesn’t need a man–and has no problem telling you so. She exercises her post-Women’s Rights rights to the fullest.

Then there is Exhibit B. See below.

Exhibit B

Man: So what do you want to do tonight?

Woman: Whatever you want to do!

Man: Well what do you want to eat?

Woman: Wherever you want to eat is fine!

Man: -__-

From experience, I can say that both of these women are equally annoying to men. I’ve chased men away playing the part of Ms. Independent because I made the men feel useless. I confused them. If he was a polite fellow, he didn’t know if being chivalrous–opening doors, pulling out chairs, etc.–would offend me. And if he was a complete Mr. Jerk–like guys who drive off after a date before they know I’m in the house safe (#petpeeve)–I’d get angry that I wasn’t being treated like a lady. I straddled a fine line mainly because I was confused myself. Ms. Independent claims to not need a man but still has expectations of what it means to be manly. And if those expectations aren’t met, she writes the guys off. Which isn’t fair at all.

And as far as Exhibit B aka Ms. Push-Over–well, I shouldn’t even have to explain why she’s annoying. Yes men or yes women are annoying in every dimension of life. She doesn’t challenge her man, she doesn’t stimulate his mind, she’s simply there to serve. Although I thought this woman was extinct, I’ve met men who dated her. And they’ve told me getting your way all the time gets boring after a while (shocker!). It’s almost like being in a relationship with a robot. And Mr. Right, a man who recognizes relationships are about partnership, will NOT marry a robot.

That night in his Lexus my Daddy helped me realize a few things. Although I had the right to do whatever I wanted to do–at the same time–I should be cognizant and considerate of others if I wanted to avoid trouble. Daddy had no problem with me entertaining myself. He had a problem with the way I’d been entertaining myself. After a certain time, he preferred that I do so quietly. So I learned that I could get all my energy out during the day, take to reading at night, and everyone would be happy. A 21st century woman, in this post-chivalrous society, should do the same thing to get the most out of a relationship with a man. Try to embody BOTH definitions of discretion. This means knowing when it’s right to cry to the world “I am woman hear me roar” and when it’s time to take a heavy dose of “chill pill.”

“I came to grips with this a long time ago. A woman can run the household as long as she makes it seem like she doesn’t,” said Mr. Right-For-Now. Although Mr. Right-For-Now hardly speaks for the entire man community, there is an admission here that (1) men need us. Hell, even gay guys can’t have a baby without some woman somewhere lending her uterus. And (2) our “power” can either be intimidating or a turn-off. I happen to think this is why I hardly see any powerful black women married. From Condoleezza Rice to Oprah to Tyra Banks, modern black women are still making that age-old choice–career or relationship. Well, what if I don’t want to choose? I want both!

Michelle Obama gave up making over $100,000 more dollars a year than Barack, at her job with the University of Chicago Hospitals, to help her husband with his Presidential campaign.

Whether you’re spineless or spinefull, the key to having both a career and a relationship is discretion. If you’re  the Exhibit A type of woman, discretion involves learning how to compromise effectively. An effective compromise will not hurt you physically, mentally, spiritually, or emotionally. However, it means either both parties give up a little or both parties gain a little. If he takes the time out to cook, you can wash the dishes. This shows him that although you may not cook, you have no problem serving him or helping him out. It also shows him that you can think about someone other than yourself. In a healthy relationship, the two partners should care equally about each other’s well-being. Therefore, both a good man and a good woman will do the things that make life a bit easier for the other.

But if you’re Ms. Push-Over, your key to discretion is reciprocation. Make sure you’re getting out just as much as you’re putting in. This might mean allowing a man to take care of you. The next time he asks you where you want to go, blurt out that Thai place you’ve eyed. Or if you like to frequently invite a man you’re dating over for dinner, suggest he buy the groceries. That way what you’ve spent in manual labor, he’s spent out of his pocket. A man will be much more invested in something he’s had to spend both time and money on. And you won’t walk away feeling like you gave and gave and gave and got nothing in return.

If you’re already in a relationship, the time has come to talk about roles. What do you expect from your partner? What do they expect from you? In 2011, a man’s role and a woman’s role aren’t as clear cut as they used to be. So discuss it. Me and Mr. Right-For-Now have what we call “non-negotiables.” “Non-negotiables” are things we expect from our partners important enough to us that we aren’t willing to give them up for one another. For example, I ask that my man have a general respect for womankind. Though he might not have given two shits about those issues before, Mr. Right-For-Now and I sometimes indulge in long conversations about women’s rights and the black woman struggle. On the other hand, he requires his woman to have a close relationship with his family. Though I’m shy at times, I have to forego that to attend family functions. And if you’re not in a relationship, you can think about these types of things when looking for a good complement. Write down your “non-negotiables” (try to limit the list to 5) and stop dating guys who won’t fit the bill. And stop dating guys who’s bill you refuse to fit. Whether single or taken, the world needs to know that you’re a woman with wants and needs BUT you have no problem fulfilling the wants and needs of others.

Baby Boy Kind of Love

The main character Yvette, played by Taraji P. Henson, confronts her boyfriend Jody, played by Tyrese Gibson, about his infidelities.

“You ain’t stupid, Yvette. You’re just in love with a man. When you’re in love with a man, he can make you feel high. So high you just be in outer space. But a man can also make you feel low. Real low. And he can keep you there. Keep you down. If you let him. Make you feel used. Don’t even worry about feeling used. It’s just temporary. Everyone gets used. Men use women, women use men. Just face the fact you’re going to be used. But if you feel so used, you ain’t got nothing left–if the man ain’t giving you no ‘act right,’ the energy you need to love his ass even when he’s acting like a bastard–you need to let it go. If you ain’t got nothing to give yourself or your baby, you won’t have it to give to him.”

I sat in the theater, eyes fixated and ears perked as Juanita explained the complexities of loving someone to her son’s girlfriend. A young and impressionable teenager, at least when it came to Love and relationships, I sat there sucking everything in like a Oreck vacuum cleaner with a bad filter.

This is kind of hard for me to admit. For a long time, Jody and Yvette’s relationship in the movie “Baby Boy” hailed as the quintessential black love relationship in my eyes. Not the Cosbys, not the Winslows, not the Banks, not even Martin and Gina. Though I’m not sure exactly why the “Baby Boy” characters stuck with me so, I have a hankering that Jody and Yvette were the closest thing to real my 12-year-old eyes thought they’d seen.They yelled and screamed, broke up and got back together, not to mention all the infidelity. This looked a lot more like the less-than-TV-perfect relationships I’d seen, heard, and experienced already in real life. My parents nor any of my friends’ parents had anything like what black couples in sitcoms had. I never knew any guys as nice as Theo, the dorky ones definitely didn’t turn into Stephons, and the bad boys like Will didn’t have nice families with huge houses in Bel Air. But it wouldn’t take long before I met the Jody types and felt like I could relate to Yvette’s “feeling stupid”–the feeling she describes before Juanita helps her decipher her real feelings. With all of those things as factors, I found myself drawn to Jody and Yvette–and consequently, though not intentionally, the many messages about Love in that movie.

I had no idea back then that the course of my relationship with Mr. Lies-About-Everything-But-His-Name would mirror the course of Jody and Yvette’s relationship–at least loosely. Only my story didn’t end happily. So I figure I’d share with you the relationship mistakes Yvette made and I mimicked without the fairytale ending.

Jody, Yvette, and young Jo-Jo relax on the couch.

(1)  Getting cheated on is more acceptable when you’re the “wifey.”

Although I have to acknowledge both experience and environment as teachers, I believe “Baby Boy” played a major role in my acceptance of men’s infidelity. The character Jody had two different types of women in his life–his main course and his side dishes. He loved his woman and wanted to marry her but this didn’t keep him from sleeping with other women from time to time. And Yvette mostly accepted this. She may not have liked it but it wasn’t reason enough for her to leave him because she reasoned that Jody loved her and NOT those other girls. He fixed her car, helped her pay bills, and picked her up everyday from work.  The other girls got nothing more than a wet back. So I learned to distinguish between girls that play wifey and girls that play side dish. And as long as I played wifey, I’d always fare better than the side dish girls because I, at least, had his love.

(2) Sex solves a couples’ problems.

As Jody walks down a flight of stairs to leave Yvette’s premises, she yells “I hate you!” at his back. She tells him how she’s tired of his cheating, his lying, his selfishness, and his arrogance. He ignores her initially but the insults get worse and worse. Finally, he responds with an emphatic “I hate you too!” and a handful of his own insults. 10 seconds later, they’re having sex–great sex at that. There’s never a real resolution. Or more accurately, the sex IS the resolution. It ends the argument and both parties are more than satisfied. Jody never acknowledges his cheating, his lying, his selfishness, or his arrogance. He doesn’t apologize. And Yvette just saves the arguing for another day. When she starts to feel frustrated again, they simply repeat the process. Argue, have make-up sex, cook tacos. Argue, have make-up sex, cook tacos. The stress-relieving properties of sex prove this can actually work for a while. This method has worked so well for Jody, in fact, after he hits Yvette his apology consists of an oral sex session. Then he leaves with her car, expecting everything to stay the same the next day.

(3) If you put up  with all his antics, he’ll get better and marry you in the end.

A frustrated Yvette eventually leaves Jody. Jody hitting her served as the last straw. And they stay broken up for a while but they both miss each other. The movie implies they do not communicate unless it has something to do with their son Jo-Jo. But after Yvette is nearly raped by her ex-boyfriend Rodney in front of Jo-Jo, Jody and Yvette get back together. Only this isn’t the same Jody. He moves out the house he lived in with his mother, moves in with Yvette, and proposes. He’s finally ready to settle down and stop acting like a little boy. YAY!

Now I’m not going to say that people don’t change. I’m sure there are people out there who lied and cheated throughout life and then one day saw the light. But my experience with a man like Jody ended in him leaving me for a woman who could better tolerate his cheating and lies. He never married me. I, apparently, wanted too much from him. I also found that sex doesn’t solve problems as effectively as communication and cheating isn’t okay–period. However, I don’t want this to sound like I’m blaming the media for my misconceptions. I think “Baby Boy” is a great artistic work (one of my favorite movies ever) and has plenty of controversial messages outside of these. I’m simply acknowledging something I realized influenced me and my beliefs at a young age–before I completely knew how to filter media. It is okay to have been influenced. At one point, I wanted what Jody and Yvette had because I thought that’s what true love looked like. I have long since learned the hard way that the Jody and Yvette way doesn’t work for me. As an adult, I understand which things I can take from that movie and what things I shouldn’t. So when I go back and watch “Baby Boy” again, it is Juanita’s voice that resonates loudest. She reminds me that I can only love a man up to the point where my love for him does  not impede upon the love I have for myself. But the point of this post is for you to do a little soul-searching. What movies, songs, and people have influenced your ideas on Love and relationships and in what way? I’d love comments.

“6 Questions To Ask on a First Date”

What questions do you ask on the first date?

If we’re all honest, the first date can be very awkward (Read about my first date with Mr. Right-For-Now here). And the only thing worse than having a friend set you up on a blind date with a gremlin is having nothing to talk about with said gremlin. Even a date with Mr. Perfect or Mrs. Perfect can lull in the conversation department. You guys don’t know each other well enough yet to know what to talk about. Hell, even people who’ve slept next to each other for 30 years straight don’t know what to talk about. Sometimes landing on the ultimate conversation piece is a bit like finding Waldo–it happens on accident! But a good first date already knows what questions to ask. I read an article recently on SingleBlackMale.org, a website run by (ding ding ding you guessed it!!) single black males that like to talk about any and all topics relevant to black men. This particular article, “6 Questions To Ask on a First Date,” gives the black man’s perspective on the types of things you should be discussing between sips of white peach sangria.  And I’m the type of woman that’s all ears when black men have something to talk about besides their disdain for Lebron James. I found it pretty insightful and thought provoking. It included some valuables like encouraging women to ask a man about his relationship with his family. It left me wondering about my first date behaviors. Admittedly, I’d been a lot more interested in Mr. Right-For-Nows past relationships than how many times a day he called his mother. And apparently, my priority of inquiries might have been a little out of order. Check the article out here!

Considering Tying the Knot?

Today, black people have the lowest marriage rate of any racial group in the US.

Marriage. In a society where nearly 50% of them fail, just saying the word can induce a migraine. The first thing it makes me think of is yelling, fighting, and custody. Admittedly, though, I am a child of divorce and have seen mostly marriage’s not-so-pretty side. Then there are the racial statistics that increase the risk of marriage failure if your skin is darker. And nowadays–if you’re black American–the chances of you actually ever getting married are pretty slim. But despite all the bad press, every so often I run into two people that make it seem like the greatest thing in the world. And that is the beauty of marriage, the mystery behind the “M” word–when it works it’s amazing and when it doesn’t work it’s hell.

So what makes a marriage work? Well I asked people and I did some research online. But that only brought up more questions. What is it exactly? Why do people do it? Why don’t people do it? What does it look like when it’s working? What does it look like when it’s failing? Does it only exist in these two extremes–blossoming or failing? Or do some people have average marriages?

As I began to dissect this marriage thing, I started to feel like the man in the yellow hat might come to claim me at any moment (that was a very clever Curious George reference just in case you didn’t get it!) Hopefully this particular curiosity does not kill me, however. Well I guess curiosity doesn’t really kill monkeys, just cats. But I digress. Since this marriage thing could go in so many directions, I wanted basics for now. I figured the best thing to do was ask Google “what should I know before getting married?” And voila. I stumbled upon a little guide from a guy who calls himself “dumb little man.” And his writing style is so exquisitely simple that I had to share it with my readers that might be just as curious as me about life after dating. So here is dumb little man’s “Things to Consider Before Getting Married.”

The Ultimate Ultimatum

Ultimatums can be an effective way to get what you want out of a relationship.

Boy meets girl. Boy likes girl. Boy loves girl. Boy says “I’m not the marrying type.” Boy stays with girl for five years. Boy drops girl for some floozy and marries her six months later.

We’ve all heard the stories before, though the characters vary. Sometimes it’s boy meets boy, sometimes it’s girl meets girl–the point is when you’re dating monogamously, the issue of marriage arises. Or the lack of it arising becomes an issue, whichever boat floats atop your situation. And some of you are just looking for a solid commitment, you can’t even fathom marriage yet. Nevertheless, when the marriage/commitment conversation does rear its head it might be a fugly one! So how do you approach this very delicate issue without scaring the other person off? Let’s take a looksy.

The first step is to know what YOU want. And the second step is to make that clear. On our first date, (see the details of that date here) Mr. Right-For-Now looked me dead in the eye and said: “I’m not really looking for another girlfriend. I’m looking for a wife.” And I gulped, audibly–the task of finishing my shrimp alfredo interrupted by the weight of that thought. Because he was very much serious. Considering my relationship ineptitude, I was content with the thought of just seriously dating again. But he made it clear that wasn’t enough for him. So if I wanted him, I would have to rethink how deep I wanted to get because he planned to work towards something permanent. So that night I went home and thought about what he told me. And the way I saw it, I could go hard in this or go home. Regardless of what I decided, Mr. Right-For-Now had no intentions on compromising what he wanted for the likes of me. But I respected him for telling me because it allowed me to decide if I was willing to step up to the plate or not.

Obviously, some of you haven’t done this and didn’t do this from the beginning in your relationships. You settled for the “it’s complicated” on Facebook when you know you wanted “in a relationship with.” Not to fear. There is a remedy called an ultimatum. Yes, and do NOT be afraid of it.

Its never too late to have the commitment or marriage talk with your significant other.

What I’ve Read:

According to Cosmopolitan magazine, “it is a relationship myth that giving your guy [or your girl] an ultimatum will mess things up. As a matter of fact, it may be exactly what he needs.” (Read Should You Give Him an Ultimatum? here) If done tactfully–and please take note that the root word of tactfully is TACT–an ultimatum is a very effective tool. Cosmopolitan suggests bringing up your wants calmly but directly. Hints are ineffective. Then, you back off. Let the other person think about what you’ve posed and wait patiently for the answer. The party issuing the ultimatum must realize that you can’t make anyone do anything they do not want to do. If the other person isn’t ready or he or she doesn’t see you in future plans, don’t count on much changing.

What I’ve Done:

Quite frankly, I was tired. I didn’t know how many more ways I could tell him that we had a communication issue. And after the 300 millionth time saying the same thing, I had a feeling the results wouldn’t change much. This time, it had to sound a lot more urgent. I let him know that I had a serious need and if he continued to leave that need unmet, I would walk. And he finally listened. So I am very much in favor of ultimatums and have used them more than once in my relationship. I have also found that not only stating what you want but why you want it works even better. The key, however, to any ultimatum is follow through. If you tell him you will leave him if he won’t marry you, then you do actually have to leave at some point. Which also means that ultimatums should only come up in situations where it’s worth it to leave (and no, her obnoxious infatuation with Justin Bieber doesn’t make the cut).

You know what they say, “actions speak louder than words.” So if you really want her to commit, if you really want him to propose–act like it!

“Shocking Ways You’re Sabotaging Your Relationship”

 

Wow.

Romantic relationships remind me a lot of piñatas. We whack and we whack and we whack at them–incessantly, blindfolded. Until one day, they break. All the good things spill out, ready to be ravished by the vulture known as single life (and I’m only half-joking. Because when you’ve been in a relationship for a while, single life can and WILL eat you alive!) Suddenly, nothings left but a decorated carcass. And you’re wondering how the two of you even got to that point. Oftentimes, people don’t see the harm they’re doing to their relationship until it’s too late. But if we took the time to do check-ins, tune-ups, and check-ups we’d have less of a mess on our hands in the end. As the saying goes, “check yourself before you wriggety wreck yourself.” (yes, I did attempt to spell wriggety)

 

Cosmopolitan, the relationship bible for many, makes some interesting points in “Shocking Ways You’re Sabotaging Your Relationship.” I have indulged in a few of these bad habits and I’m sure many of you have as well. So why not change things before you beat your relationship to a pulp? Because I promise you, the result will NOT be loads of candy. Check the article out here!

Everybody Plays the Fool

I never expected to learn anything from my little brother or his relentless obsession with the latest Naruto game–besides maybe the correct pronunciation of Japanese names–but I did. As a big sister, I committed the cardinal sin: I turned off his x-box console without saving his progress (insert gasp here!) This left little brother in quite a predicament. He’d managed to duke it out victoriously with his toughest enemy yet just before my mom called and reminded him to go to his piano lesson. But my mishap forced little brother to restart his gaming adventure at a much earlier checkpoint. With a fierce foe once again unconquered, little brother did a very noble thing. Masking his distress,  he picked that black controller up and went right back to it. But his determination didn’t stop there. I watched him lose at least 1,035 times (No exaggeration). He adamantly ignored my pleas that he just give up and pop in another game. Frustration never outweighing his resolve, he sat there and played until he won. What looked like a futile and foolish effort to me, eventually garnered him results.

So by now I know you’re wondering “Passion, what the hell does all this have to do with dating?” Well. The ideology behind little brother’s perseverance is one we’re all well-groomed in. Whether it was something cheesy and sing-songy like “winners never quit and quitters never win” or some celebrity’s E True Hollywood Story, life finds a way to drown us with plenty of don’t-give-up-you-can-do-it-isms. Why does life encourage this? Because people who never give up, will eventually know what winning feels like. In fact, at a very young age, we actually learn to despise quitters. It’s kind of like we associate quitting with a lower class group of lowlifes. We might as well round-up all quitters and force them to wear scarlet Qs. Despite our disdain for quitting, for some reason or another, this don’t-give-up-you-can-do-it philosophy doesn’t seem to apply to every facet of our lives.

At many points in my dating life when things turned sour, I simply gave up. Instead of just chalking those men up as isolated bad experiences, I applied rules and principles learned with one man to men in general. For example, I am very attracted to wit and intelligence. So I tend to go for the kind of guys who get good grades and read a bit more than the average joe. For the sake of time, we can call them nerds. So I dated this nerdy guy once who also turned out to be rather timid in situations where I felt threatened. And as if they could smell the fear on him, other men showed him little to no respect. After that catastrophe, I concluded  that in most cases nerds will also be timid. With this system, I find myself saying things like  “I’ll never date a pretty boy”, “I’ll never date a guy with daddy issues”, and “I just can’t date nice guys, I just can’t!” after each relationship. So after my first true love landed me in the penthouse suite at the heartbreak hotel, it shouldn’t surprise you that I quit men altogether. By then the thought of a real, loving relationship seemed almost laughable. Plus I had a laundry list of dating I can’ts, I won’ts, and nevers. So I folded my hand in the dating game and convinced myself I no longer had an interest in playing it. I just couldn’t handle looking and feeling like a fool again and again. Just the thought of how many more times I might have to lose before I won was enough to keep me benched on the sidelines of life.

(For more on avoiding healthy relationships click here).

By the time my Mr. Right-For-Now came along, I was pretty sure I finished playing the game for good. I’d actaully started to relish the thought of living with cats forever. And nobody spurned me for giving up. The American divorce rate shows I’d joined the ranks of plenty saying “down with Love” these days.  But I guess Mr. Right-For-Now saw a star player in me, a winner that I didn’t even see in myself. So he forced me off the bench, made me place a bet. And every minute on the clock has reminded me why I started playing the game in the first place. It never occurred to me back in heartbreak hotel that no matter your game, Love or Naruto, “everybody plays the fool, sometimes. There’s no exception to the rule.” You will not and I repeat WILL NOT win all the time. You’re bound to screw up, date some losers, and choose the wrong ones for the wrong reasons. But you’ll be happy to know winning all the time kind of defeats the purpose. Because your losses are what build character. They make you go home and reflect on how you can improve. And they prepare you for success. Nobody ever explained back then that you have to lose a few times to really appreciate that win. Why? Because then you can compare that high feeling to the low one, that Mr. Do-Dirty to Mr. Perfect-For-You. Add your love life to your list of things never to give up on and I promise you a W.

Check out this adorable oldie that I named the piece after!!! OMG! lol