The Last Letter from the Editor: And It All Leads Up to This…

To My Beautiful, Glorious, Courageous, and Intuitive Readers:

You read the title correctly. This will be my last letter directly to you on this blog :(…I know some of you are thinking it’s been months since I wrote a real post anyways and now I’m writing to tell you I’m almost done writing. Tis true. And that’s partly because of the summer. Something about the summer makes it difficult for me to buckle down and write. But the other part of me was debating whether I would continue this blog at all. Or pass it along to someone else. Just when it was starting to get good, just when I was starting to see so much growth and improvement, just when I started to take this blogging thing more seriously–c’est la fin! Well, nearing the end. I think I’ve got about two more solid posts in me. But I guess that’s life. And I’m not mad about it. Because all this debacle has been for a great reason. I promise!!! You ready for this? Are you sitting down?

Last month, Mr. Right-For-Now proposed to me under a glorious sunset by the water. I said yes! I’ll never forget it was on the same day of the George Zimmerman verdict–simultaneously the most beautiful and ugliest day I’ve experienced to date. We were at a bar celebrating when we found out the news. Fortunately, it takes more than one asshole running free for murder to put a stop to life, to put a stop to PROGRESSION. So we are planning an elegant broom jumping ceremony in my favorite season–Fall of 2014. Which makes me his future Mrs. Right Forever. And as I’m fully enthralled in this new phase of Love–engagement–it seems the old persona is gone. The woman who started this blog 3 years ago in search of something real after finding so much rubbish has found solid gold. And I plan to cash in while I can!! Therefore, I must say farewell and THANK YOU to all the LOVELY people who made this incredible journey possible.  You laughed with me. You cussed him out with me. You made up with him with me. You grew with me. You bettered yourselves as I bettered myself. You challenged me. You encouraged me. For 3 years.

Now I’m here in this wonderfully beautiful new place. I am fully present–watching and learning STILL as engagement brings new things to light. I remember asking one of my girlfriends if I should do something for Mr. Right-For-Now in return–as a gift or as some type of gratitude for the proposal. And she said ever-so-wisely to me “no. I think you’ve done enough!” And I just smiled to myself. Because I understood her so clearly. The man got down on one knee and told me he couldn’t think of anywhere else he’d rather be than with me for life. I had certainly done enough–at least for now. No more improvements. No more strategies. No more working night and day on being the best girlfriend/fiancée/future wife ever. For now, I’m just resting in my excitement for us! I’m resting in my contentment! And enjoying planning a wedding (AHHHHHH!). I thought about doing a new blog series for you guys on engagement–and maybe I will write a piece on it. But it’s such an intimate experience and much of this blog comes out of my willingness to fully disclose my shortcomings and championships as they happen. Now, I want to focus on living in each and every one of these moments with my future hubby–staying grounded, attentive, and in-tune with myself. This is the last year I have as a “single” woman and I’d like to have it to myself as selfish as that may sound. Hopefully, you understand where I’m coming from though. Because it feels good to say I have done enough.

Of course I still want to continue bettering myself and learning as much as I can about relationships. Someone once told me, “marriage is not the destination. It is a journey”, suggesting that many women get the ring and believe that is the ultimate validation. I do not want to imply that at all. I’m definitely not done progressing just because he proposed. But my mission has changed just a tad from when I started on here.

I believe that Black Love is the cure for many of our community’s afflictions. So I would Love to transition to a blog talking about Black marriage, Black families, and issues related to how my Black community can achieve more wholeness. I did that here. Somewhat. However, the time has come, I think, for a stronger platform–especially in light of things like the lack of justice for Trayvon! So this is goodbye for now. It is the easiest goodbye I’ve ever said. Not because I don’t Love you. But because our time is nearly up.  When you know your time is up, you’ve got to make room for new things. And because I’ve given you guys so much of me–so much of us–that’s always here on these pages for you to access, it’s not really a goodbye at all. From first date to proposal, I leave you my Love legacy. So when you’re having a rough dating day and you just want to give up, remember me on your Black Love journeys. Remember that Black Love is better when it’s real. And it IS real. We are proof. Remember that good Black guys sometimes win. And they win big!! Remember that Black women can and DO marry and stay happily married–even in the midst of social networks, people living like they’re auditioning for reality TV shows, and booty calls that come way too easily. Remember that no labor of Love goes unrewarded. The universe is waiting to unfold all it’s greatness on you!

Stay tuned for my last few posts. Enjoy them as much as I have enjoyed writing them. Then, keep me in your heart as you guys are always in mine. Learning to Love like this has been my greatest accomplishment to date. And I hope I’ve inspired some of you to pursue that same path. Because Love never fails!

Sincerely yours,

The blogger formerly known as “Ms. Not-Right-Now” hehe

P.S. For my truest of fans, keep a lookout for my rebirth because there will be one. Suddenly, I have a new found understanding of why we all had to suffer through Puff Daddy becoming Puffy and then P. Diddy and then just Diddy. As I recreate myself and my brand, I will have to change names. Don’t worry though. Me and this writing thing, we go way back. And we ain’t done yet!

 

Too Adorable Not to Share

We’ve all heard tales of the divine yet candid wisdom of children. A child’s mind knows enough about the world to have an opinion on it and remains pure enough that we can assume the absolute best of their intentions. So naturally, I laughed aloud when I stumbled on Chris Hughes’ “How Do You Decide Who to Marry”, from the mouths of babes. But it simultaneously provoked thought and held insight. Their truth is contagious. So without further adieu, enjoy!

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? (written by kids)

by Chris Hughes 

A group of young kids were asked how to decide who to marry and here are the results which are pretty amusing.

(1) You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
– Alan, age 10

(2) No person really decides before they grow up who they’re going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you’re stuck with.
– Kristen, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

(1) Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
– Camille, age 10

(2) No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married.
– Freddie, age 6 (very wise for his age)
HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

(1) You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
– Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

(1) Both don’t want any more kids.
– Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

(1) Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
– Lynnette, age 8 (isn’t she a treasure)

(2) On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that Usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
– Martin, age 10
WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?

(1) I’d run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
-Craig, age 9
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

(1) When they’re rich.
– Pam, age 7

(2) The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn’t want to mess with that.
– Curt, age 7

(3) The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It’s the right thing to do.
– Howard, age 8
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

(1) I don’t know which is better, but I’ll tell you one thing. I’m never going to have sex with my wife. I don’t want to be all grossed out.
– Theodore, age 8

(2) It’s better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
– Anita, age 9 (bless you child)
HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN’T GET MARRIED?

(1) There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn’t there?
– Kelvin, age 8

And the #1 Favorite is……..
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

(1) Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.
– Ricky, age 10

Movie Review: Tyler Perry’s ‘Temptation’ Falls Titillatingly & Alarmingly Short

**This review contains revealing details from the movie “Temptation”. If you have not seen it, reading this post will feel a lot like when you go see something with a friend who’s already seen it and they keep telling you to “watch this!” Therefore, continue at your own risk.

There are a lot of things to hate about this movie and Tyler Perry’s now infamous creative style in general. The preachy church-people-are-good-everyone-else-is-a-demon rhetoric. The fact that I can pretty much rely on a “sexy” guy taking his shirt off at least once (whether it’s for our enjoyment or his, well that’s still up for debate). And the awkwardness of his continual overuse of close-up shots. Yet somehow, the trailers drew me in (mind you, I’ve been boycotting Tyler Perry films for the last 3 years). The thought of Jurnee Smollet-Bell caught in a love triangle seemed wickedly out of character for Perry. But it turns out the exact opposite is true. What I find most disturbing this time around with “Tyler Perry’s Temptation: Confessions of a Marriage Counselor” is how unsexy he makes a movie about sex. And how eagerly the black community accepts this depiction.

The movie starts out predictably though promisingly with a marriage counselor telling what sounds like a cautionary tale to a pre-adulterous wife. Then we’re swept into the endearing young Love of high school sweet hearts Judith and Brice (Jurnee Smollet-Bell and Lance Gross). But as the reality of delayed dreams and marital malcontent sink in, so do her spirits. Smollet-Bell plays a convincing awkward and “forgettable” 2o-something who knows very little about herself or her body–let alone what’s needed to keep a marriage together. So things quickly heat up when tech-savvy pseudo-playboy/knight in shining armor, Harley (Robbie Jones), capitalizes mostly on Judith’s sexual inexperience. Throw in some line from Harley about people “having sex like animals” (I was fanning myself), a classic sexual-tension filled elevator scene, an unwittingly neglectful husband, and you’ve got yourself the makings of a titillating affair!

Only, that is of course until Perry throws us an alarming curve ball. Judith and Harley end up alone on Harley’s private plane–a business trip serving as the perfect opportunity for him to make his move on a married woman. But Judith persistently pushes his advances away. She clearly says “no”. She clearly says “stop”. Harley forces himself on her a bit harder, however. So much so that Judith actually has to fight him off. To which Harley aggressively grips her up and sternly replies “Stop! Now you can say you resisted”. And then proceeds to have sex with her without her consent. I’m sorry, maybe I am crazy, but that is called rape where I’m from. And suddenly the tide’s low again if you know what I mean. There’s nothing sexy, steamy, or arousing about rape. Judith seems to agree with me and goes home crying and screaming at Harley to never call her again. Those are not the actions of a woman who willingly steps out on her husband to fulfill a sexual longing not met at home.

The movie never treats it like a rape though and soon Judith’s under Harley’s spell. It is not completely uncommon for a rape victim to fall in Love with her rapist. So I suppose this wasn’t completely far-fetched. However, Harley begins exhibiting even more abusive behaviors. He introduces her to hard drugs, separates her from the people who Love her, and whoops her ass. As if that wasn’t enough to punish the philandering harlot, we learn at the end of the movie that Harley gives Judith HIV. BUT Perry never portrays Judith as a victim. Even though Melinda (Brandy Norwood), Harley’s ex-girlfriend, plays the I’ve-had-a-hard-life-so-now-I-don’t-trust-anyone victim role so well Melinda’s boss mistakes her for a lesbian. Wait, what? So the girl who willingly got involved with Harley in college is a victim and we should feel sorry for her but the married woman who gets raped by him is a whore? So what’s the moral of the story here ladies? If you’re stupid enough to catch the attention of another man besides your lazy husband, Jesus will hate you, you will get raped, contract HIV, and die. Oh wait, no my bad. Melinda wasn’t a victim either. She deserved HIV because she didn’t protect herself when she knew Harley cheated on her. That’s right, I forgot. What was I thinking?

What started out as a seductive fantasy soon turned into a right-wing conservative sexual education lesson in a hick town with a ban on contraceptives. And I’m ashamed to admit this but most of the people in the theater, my people, seemed to like it. Maybe they were jut taking the film at face-value. That’s cool I guess. But when you’ve got the power to speak and a good portion of your community listens, you have a responsibility to watch what you say. I mean does Perry have any positive feelings about sex? From the messages in this film, it certainly doesn’t seem so. Good thing not all of us are so easily duped by a well-placed hallelujah. Uh uh. Try again Mr. Perry. Or better yet, do us all a favor, and don’t. Ever. Again.

“Does She Deserve A Ring?”

Who Is Passport Cutty?

Have you guys heard of the hoe coach? There’s a black woman going by that moniker who’s made quite a name for herself. She rules the twitterverse as @passport_cutty, hosts a radio show called The Naked Truth, and holds a series of pole parties in cities across the US that bring women together. She’s the epitome of the new black woman. And she’s not playing her hand like the black women of yesterday because she’s got a new set of rules. Though she’s highly controversial, there are many modern black women who think, feel, and play the game like she does. No, I don’t agree with everything she says but I do think she’s worth listening to. And for a woman with her world view, I think she has a lot of common sense. It’s my job to keep up with everything remotely related to black relationships so I follow her leisurely. If nothing else, her and her followers are quite entertaining. She wrote a particular piece on her blog though that I found especially insightful and thought provoking. Maybe you will enjoy it as much as I did.

Does She Deserve A Ring?

@Al_Patron asked a very GOOD question in a blog that we did together and it had me thinking so hard about a response. Especially because I hear it ALL the time and have even SAID it myself.

 

He asked “…can someone tell me what “she DESERVES a ring” means?”

 

Check out her radio show “The Naked Truth” online Tuesdays from 8pm-10pm

Now, I’m not going to tell you what it MEANS cuz dammit, I’m just figuring this out myself, but I’m going to provoke some thoughts for you…

 

Now maybe my point of view seems biased a lot of the time because I forget that there are people who read my work that aren’t plagued with the bullshit men and relationships that I know of all too well. So some people read my words and think “o_O where the hell does she get this stuff from?” But then I get a whole bunch of Rts and say “Whew, they feel me.” lol

SO, in almost every circumstance that I’ve heard “she deserves a ring” it was from someone referring to the amount of “torture”, disappointment”, “drama”, and just a whole bunch of “bullshit” that a woman had endured in the relationship with her man. And sometimes it was even the man himself saying “she deserves a ring”… My first thoughts are “yea, she deserves a ring” but “from HIM?”… Hell NO. Why would you “DESERVE” a ring from someone who was a BASTARD? I mean really! She “deserves” a ring because she tolerated him cheating numerous times? She “deserves” a ring because she took care of their children full time while he slacked? She “deserves” a ring because she still stayed with him after he had another child with someone else? She “deserves” a ring because he gave her an STD a time or two or five? She “deserves” a ring because of all the abortions or miscarriages she had from him? She “deserves” a ring because they’ve been together for “no reason” for forever already? She “deserves” a ring because she held him down while he was in and out of jail? She “deserves” a ring because she risked her freedom for him numerous times? She “deserves” a ring because she had to fight with so many other girls over him? She “deserves” a ring because she put her education and career to the side to support his? She “deserves” a ring because she forgave him all the times he hit her? She “deserves” a ring because she put up with all his baby mama drama? She “deserves” a ring because she wasted her “youth” dealing with his bullshit so now her “prime” is over and she feels like she has no choice but to stay with him now? So THIS is why she “DESERVES” a ring?

 

I could have SWORN that “deserve” means “to have earned right”…Oh yea it does, I just looked it up again cuz I was confused. So THIS is what you want the “rights” to? This is what you’re in competition to “win”??? Oh! And the crazy part about this is, I hear this “she deserves a ring” ALLLLL the time from people who’ve been involved in these exact scenarios. I don’t make this shit up. So if this is what you feel you DESERVE for the rest of your life, then shit, maybe your ass does. I don’t think anyone “deserves” a ring for all of those reasons. Females always seem so bent on “winning” that they don’t even realize what the actual “prize” is. Cuz I damn sure don’t want to “win” a man like that. Have I had men like that? Yes. But I KNEW not to marry them. And men always seem to pull the “ring” as a wild card right when she’s about to “leave.” Anything to shut her ass up and extent his ride or die bitch until next “Foreverary.” I’ve heard so many men say “She’s put up with so much of my shit. This is who I need to be with”… Uhm yea… she’s perfect for HIM but is he perfect for HER? Don’t Worry, I’ll Wait

 

But its really not these type of women that I feel deserve a ring at all… They deserve intervention and rehab. I’m going to tell you who I think really deserves the ring.

Passport Cutty gives her perspective on the rules to being a side chick with Hot 97

 

I think the females who invest in themselves in order to have something to offer a man who’s worth marrying “deserve” a ring. Not the women waiting around for a husband as a come up. The females who could care less about a pre-nup because she’s going to make sure they BOTH make money during their marriage “deserve” a ring. The females who make a statement by immediately removing herself from a disrespectful situation. She knows her worth and is not going to waste her time convincing herself that this is acceptable at all. The females who don’t think and act like she is entitled to anyone else’s benefits “deserves” a ring. The females who understand that NO one is obligated to her “deserves” a ring. Females who are appreciative and grateful “deserve” a ring. Females who acknowledge that if they can’t help with a solution then they may be part of the problem “deserve” a ring. The females who moderately stand by their partner yet who never give up on themselves “deserve” a ring. The females who prepare for the fact that all of this could go “poof” in the blink of eye but they have back up plans just in case it ever happens, “deserve” a ring. Even the females who don’t like to cook and don’t want to cook but knows that eating out every night is just unreasonable, “deserve” a ring. The females who understand their role in a man’s life and won’t try to play every position “deserve” a ring. The females who CAN and will carry a man if he falls and won’t hold it against him later or kick him while he’s down “deserve” a ring. And last but not least, the female who is genuinely optimistic about love and marriage as a team with no ulterior motives, hidden agendas, or dependency as an underlying theme, “deserve” a ring.

 

Make sure you read the Hoely Bible

Now of COURSE, there’s more to being a “wife” than all of these things. But in my opinion these are some of the most “important” the qualities of a woman who “DESERVES” a ring, beyond being able to cook, clean, wash clothes, take care of kids, and have disgustingly pleasurable sex. These are characteristics of women who have worked on themselves mentally, emotionally and financially enough to be able to “deserve” someone worth spending the rest of her life with. I personally feel that you can’t expect someone else to invest more in you than you are WILLING to invest in yourself. And half of the things that I mentions are FREE… Its about character and intention not only money.

So as for me… until I’m able to carry my family on my own if ever need be, I’m going to stay “single with a boyfriend” and kid less. 

Well said Cutty! Do you think it’s time we reevaluate our idea of deserving the ring both as men and women?

**All italicized texts gets credited to Aalex B. author of The Naked Truth blog and has simply been copy and pasted here for the enjoyment of my audience and readers.

Another Letter from the Editor

To My Beautiful, Glorious, Empowered Readers:

Me in 2013

Leading up to and in this new year, 2013, I have reflected, analyzed, and mulled over many things. And to some of your disdain, my posts have become a bit less frequent. I figured I at least owed you an explanation as to why. So please allow my transparency. Maybe it will help someone.

Over the last few months in my relationship with Mr. Right-For-Now, I have been obsessed with one thing and one thing only: the ring. Much of this blog has been about me learning how to Love and be Loved. I’ve dedicated myself to elevating higher than the you-can’t-find-a-man-and-keep-him-cuz-you’re-too-sassy-independent-and-unattractive rhetoric geared toward black women. All with the hope that if a regular, young black woman could do it, so could others! And as I’ve become a better and better girlfriend/woman/partner/lover/friend, through my self-exploration, relationship classes, and relationship research, my impatience with the dating game increased. Because if I’m honest, the goal of all this elevating was a ring–the ultimate pudding proof that I (and others like me) can do this Love thing in spite of everything. And although I’m smart enough to know everlasting Love doesn’t start nor end with a ring, I wanted what I wanted how I wanted it.

Sometimes, our own wants and desires blind us. We cannot hear or see God’s working or more importantly God’s timing. This may happen a bit more often in my life lol but maybe someone reading can relate. I feel like I do the work, I do what God asks me to do, and then I want my blessing. My own ego and entitled-ness does not permit me to hear God clearly shouting at me, your time is not now! Prior to this ring example, it took me five years to graduate college with two degrees. But in a last-minute effort to graduate on time, because I simply wasn’t the kind of girl who needed to do a fifth year, I took 18 credits, in addition to working an overnight job and acting as president of my collegiate honor society. As a result, I failed two courses–which severely lowered my GPA–and missed out on many hours of sleep. And still ended up doing a fifth year. It was a completely humbling experience. I remember crying to my sisterfriends, a bitter and angry spoiled brat because I hadn’t yet graduated. But who was I to think myself above having to do a fifth year? In the end, that extra year resulted in my meeting Mr. Right-For-Now. Had I graduated on time, I may not know him to this day and I certainly would not have dated him.

Mr. Right-For-Now & Ms. Not-Right-Now at the Neighborhood Inaugural Ball 2013

So when I realized my impatience for my ring put a dark cloud over my relationship, I pulled back on the reins. Whoa there. Easy girl. I must be here again because I did not completely learn my lesson the first time. And God will bring me back here again and again until I get it right. So I’ve thrown my hands up. And accepted the most simple of facts, if he hasn’t proposed, one of us or neither of us is ready. I could read a hundred more relationship articles today and that fact will remain. Now I’m not going to trick you and tell you that I’ve been some kind of happy camper since this realization. Actually, it’s been quite the opposite. I’ve been struggling and at a loss of words and advice for my other young sisters and brothers out there–hence the lack of posts. Because I do not have the answers. And I’m questioning the questions. I don’t know if we’ll work out and I don’t know if Mr. Right-For-Now will be Mr. Right-Forever. All I know is that there is a protocol for waiting that I haven’t been following. So I’m attempting to become a better waiter in 2013. And I don’t mean in the sense of waiting on my man or any person really. But because there will be lots of waiting in life. Especially for the finer things. And I figure I better get good at it now.

I love you all. And wish you LOVE in all shapes, sizes, and colors this year! There is no force greater than that of Love on this earth. Love connects us all.

Yours Truly,

Ms. Not-Right-Now

Is There Really a Black Marriage Decline?

SingleBlackMale.org post asks the question Is There Really a Black Marriage Decline?. The writer does his own research and finds that the real issue may simply be that black men and women are choosing to get married much later than we used to. Why do you think that is? Thoughts?

I Laughed, I Cried, I Had My Faith Restored

Have you guys seen Still Standing? It is a documentary on the things that have kept [black] people married for years and years. It follows about 5 couples–each with their own struggle. Money. Infidelity. Blending families. Sickness. Naysayers. Although it is skewed towards the black american christian community (meaning there will be plenty of mention of God and Jesus as the keys to getting through troubles), I found it helpful and encouraging. It is about learning from the people who came before you. “You do not have to reinvent the wheel,” as the woman says in the trailer. Check it out. And keep fighting the good relationship fight. Happy Father’s Day!

Considering Tying the Knot?

Today, black people have the lowest marriage rate of any racial group in the US.

Marriage. In a society where nearly 50% of them fail, just saying the word can induce a migraine. The first thing it makes me think of is yelling, fighting, and custody. Admittedly, though, I am a child of divorce and have seen mostly marriage’s not-so-pretty side. Then there are the racial statistics that increase the risk of marriage failure if your skin is darker. And nowadays–if you’re black American–the chances of you actually ever getting married are pretty slim. But despite all the bad press, every so often I run into two people that make it seem like the greatest thing in the world. And that is the beauty of marriage, the mystery behind the “M” word–when it works it’s amazing and when it doesn’t work it’s hell.

So what makes a marriage work? Well I asked people and I did some research online. But that only brought up more questions. What is it exactly? Why do people do it? Why don’t people do it? What does it look like when it’s working? What does it look like when it’s failing? Does it only exist in these two extremes–blossoming or failing? Or do some people have average marriages?

As I began to dissect this marriage thing, I started to feel like the man in the yellow hat might come to claim me at any moment (that was a very clever Curious George reference just in case you didn’t get it!) Hopefully this particular curiosity does not kill me, however. Well I guess curiosity doesn’t really kill monkeys, just cats. But I digress. Since this marriage thing could go in so many directions, I wanted basics for now. I figured the best thing to do was ask Google “what should I know before getting married?” And voila. I stumbled upon a little guide from a guy who calls himself “dumb little man.” And his writing style is so exquisitely simple that I had to share it with my readers that might be just as curious as me about life after dating. So here is dumb little man’s “Things to Consider Before Getting Married.”

The Ultimate Ultimatum

Ultimatums can be an effective way to get what you want out of a relationship.

Boy meets girl. Boy likes girl. Boy loves girl. Boy says “I’m not the marrying type.” Boy stays with girl for five years. Boy drops girl for some floozy and marries her six months later.

We’ve all heard the stories before, though the characters vary. Sometimes it’s boy meets boy, sometimes it’s girl meets girl–the point is when you’re dating monogamously, the issue of marriage arises. Or the lack of it arising becomes an issue, whichever boat floats atop your situation. And some of you are just looking for a solid commitment, you can’t even fathom marriage yet. Nevertheless, when the marriage/commitment conversation does rear its head it might be a fugly one! So how do you approach this very delicate issue without scaring the other person off? Let’s take a looksy.

The first step is to know what YOU want. And the second step is to make that clear. On our first date, (see the details of that date here) Mr. Right-For-Now looked me dead in the eye and said: “I’m not really looking for another girlfriend. I’m looking for a wife.” And I gulped, audibly–the task of finishing my shrimp alfredo interrupted by the weight of that thought. Because he was very much serious. Considering my relationship ineptitude, I was content with the thought of just seriously dating again. But he made it clear that wasn’t enough for him. So if I wanted him, I would have to rethink how deep I wanted to get because he planned to work towards something permanent. So that night I went home and thought about what he told me. And the way I saw it, I could go hard in this or go home. Regardless of what I decided, Mr. Right-For-Now had no intentions on compromising what he wanted for the likes of me. But I respected him for telling me because it allowed me to decide if I was willing to step up to the plate or not.

Obviously, some of you haven’t done this and didn’t do this from the beginning in your relationships. You settled for the “it’s complicated” on Facebook when you know you wanted “in a relationship with.” Not to fear. There is a remedy called an ultimatum. Yes, and do NOT be afraid of it.

Its never too late to have the commitment or marriage talk with your significant other.

What I’ve Read:

According to Cosmopolitan magazine, “it is a relationship myth that giving your guy [or your girl] an ultimatum will mess things up. As a matter of fact, it may be exactly what he needs.” (Read Should You Give Him an Ultimatum? here) If done tactfully–and please take note that the root word of tactfully is TACT–an ultimatum is a very effective tool. Cosmopolitan suggests bringing up your wants calmly but directly. Hints are ineffective. Then, you back off. Let the other person think about what you’ve posed and wait patiently for the answer. The party issuing the ultimatum must realize that you can’t make anyone do anything they do not want to do. If the other person isn’t ready or he or she doesn’t see you in future plans, don’t count on much changing.

What I’ve Done:

Quite frankly, I was tired. I didn’t know how many more ways I could tell him that we had a communication issue. And after the 300 millionth time saying the same thing, I had a feeling the results wouldn’t change much. This time, it had to sound a lot more urgent. I let him know that I had a serious need and if he continued to leave that need unmet, I would walk. And he finally listened. So I am very much in favor of ultimatums and have used them more than once in my relationship. I have also found that not only stating what you want but why you want it works even better. The key, however, to any ultimatum is follow through. If you tell him you will leave him if he won’t marry you, then you do actually have to leave at some point. Which also means that ultimatums should only come up in situations where it’s worth it to leave (and no, her obnoxious infatuation with Justin Bieber doesn’t make the cut).

You know what they say, “actions speak louder than words.” So if you really want her to commit, if you really want him to propose–act like it!