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Category Archives: The Single Life

She’s Cool But…I’d Be Settling

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Asking someone to consider if their significant other is “Mr(s) Right-For-Now” can be taken offensively, but the question warrants serious reflection.

There I sat–happy, anxious, and shocked all at the same time.  In the driver seat to my left was my homeboy who I grew up with.

“You’re a GROWN ASS MAN now,” I joked. “You got the family-sized SUV, good-paying job, apartment with your girlfriend and a dog!  What’s next?”

He laughed, took a deep breath and said, “Honestly man, I’m saving up for a ring.”

Oh. F#ck No!

I would say I was surprised, but not really.  Since high school we all knew what Tyson needed in his life to be content.  Good food, good movies, relaxation and a few other adult requests I’d rather not mention.  Anyway, it was a short list.  And after my first visit to his new place and kickin’ it with him and his girlfriend, I can honestly say that Brotha is H-A-P-P-Y.

Naturally, I had to ask an important question (stolen from the movie, I Love You, Man), “So, is she the one, or just the next one?”  Asking someone to consider if their significant other is “Mr(s) Right-For-Now” can be taken offensively, but the question warrants serious reflection.

“She’s the one bro.  We have a great time together, our families like each other and she treats me right.  I’m good.” His voice carried an air of confidence. It was a wholesome “good.

Though he is the first of my tight friends to be that close to considering marriage, I must admit, it is kind of unsettling to know that we are at the age where weddings are no longer unrealistic.  In my daily conversations, I realize that plenty of people aren’t into “playing games” anymore.  They want serious relationships.  Understandable.  I agree.  I agree agree…

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I mean, what if I wake up next to her and think, “ehhh…she’s aiiiiiiiiiight?”

But how do I know if the girl I’m dating is right?  How do I know that I will be satisfied? How do I know that I’m not settling?  Help me understand!

Scenario #1

She would be a great wife…to someone else. I’m just not physically attracted to her, enough.  I mean, what if I wake up next to her and think, “ehhh…she’s aiiiiiiiiiight?” Am I Shallow Hal? What would I think if she felt that way about me?!?! I’d think she needs an eye exam! Our chemistry can be good, but to sustain a healthy relationship there needs to be a certain level of physical attraction. How do I know where the limit is in the looks department?

Scenario #2

She doesn’t motivate me to grow.  She’s happy to have me just the way I am.  Sounds nice, but I want a woman who inspires me to be a better man for her.  A King for his Queen. If she doesn’t expect more from me, will she ever get more from me?  A good friend once told me, “What you put up with, you end up with.”  Am I settling by dating a woman whom I know does not command my full potential?

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You got how many bodies?

Scenario #3

Her past is questionable.  We’ve all done things we don’t want to admit.  Well, she admitted it, and now, I can’t take it!  For us men, this could be a number of things, i.e: “You got how many bodies!?!?!”  or “You did that to your ‘best friend’?” or “Are you like that every time you get drunk?”  Yes, people can change, but their history of behavior can give some insight into their decision-making ability.  Let’s face it, if they cheated in all of their previous relationships, what makes you so sure it won’t happen to you? What does their record tell you?  Am I settling by moving forward even though her past has me skeptical?

Conclusion:

As always, you have to know what you like.  This comes from experiencing life by yourself and with different people.  Honest self-reflection is key.  Take time to understand what you like, don’t like, and why.  The more you study, the more ready you will be when Mr(s) Right does come along.  I’m still exploring.  But the more I look into the people around me, and not just at them, the more I understand who I need in my life to keep me H-A-P-P-Y.

The Catch-20something


The Monica and Quincy characters from “Love & Basketball” serve as a classic example of a catch-20something.

“I wouldn’t come to Paris with you. I have a child.”

I looked at him perplexed and tried hard not to cry–though I doubt he’d even see the tears in the dim light. Opening my big mouth somehow turned an intimate conversation over a romantic dinner into the end of forever. It was just a hypothetical question. But yet his answer said everything. If I stayed with him, there’d come a time and a place when I’d have to choose between him or my dreams. I couldn’t, wouldn’t have both–at least not here with him where I wanted to be so badly. Maybe I should’ve recognized the warning signs–his dropping out of college and fighting for complete custody of his daughter–but until that night, I never suspected we weren’t walking in the same direction. We Loved one another more than anything it seemed. But that didn’t change the fact that I wanted to go and he needed to stay. So when I finally walked away, he did me a favor and let me leave.

Every day young 20 something adults find themselves in the ultimate life dilemma: Love or livelihood? Dream career or dream (w0)man? Whether it’s that new job that just called you across the country to start tomorrow or an acceptance to a medical school in the caribbean, success, ambition and the pursuit of happiness have a hefty pricetag for young Lovers. No one ever wants to watch a Lover walk right out of his life. But no one wants to be the reason someone gave up on his dream either. Though the details change from relationship to relationship, I hear these stories everyday. I call them Catch-20somethings. They may not be unique to our cohort but I hear them most frequently from young, less established individuals. And many of us, it seems, choose career. We put off buying rings and grab instead for briefcases. This would at least explain the drop in American marriage rates, the new tendency toward marrying later in life, and the alarming notion that “marriage is for white people” amongst young blacks. It might also explain the propensity my single peers have for these more casual arrangements–settling for less than their fair share in the name of companionship. I mean why go through all the hassle of a relationship, if I’m just going to move away soon anyway? I am not talking for anyone. In my senior year a Temple University, even after meeting Mr. Right-For-Now, I thought like this myself. I’d left a previous Love because we had two totally different 5-year plans. And I had no intentions on starting a new fire, now that I knew firsthand how hard it could be to extinguish. But I was also tired of spending my nights alone. When it seems that most young people don’t want to be tied down unless they have children and the working world doesn’t offer as much stability at the entry-level, what is a young romantic to do? What do you do when you’re getting it from both sides?

When it comes down to Love or Basketball, Monica initially chooses basketball.

While many would say drown yourself in accomplishments, I disagree wholeheartedly. In the coming months, I’ll be relocating to Atlanta to attend graduate school and Mr. Right-For-Now decided to come along with me. This time around, I didn’t have to give up one for the other. I feel like the luckiest girl in the world because I will get to have it all. Through my recent experiences with Mr. Right-For-Now, I figure I know a thing or two about navigating the Catch-20something. So I’ve come up with what I’d like to call The Stuck Between a Rock & a Hard Place Survival Guide.

Step 1: Determine The Big Picture of What You  REALLY Want

Is a life of Love without a great career okay for you? Will you wake up and hate yourself in 30 years? Or do you suppose all of your money and accomplishments will keep you warm at night? Most people want it all not either or. But if you concentrate solely on one aspect of your future and not the other, you will wake up with a life that is overdeveloped in one area and lacking in the other. Take 60 seconds and imagine your ideal life in 25 years down to the very last detail. If you have a great job AND a great Love, then that is what you really want. So no compromises!

Step 2: Be a Savvy Single

Savvy singles are the wave of the future. Acting as relationship moderates of a very bi-partisan dating agenda, savvy singles tend to get the best things out of life. They aren’t bitter, scorned relationship haters or anti-social workaholics. But they also don’t hop in every bed that opens to them. Savvy singles wait for Love but they wait vivaciously. They date themselves and do the things they Love to do while simultaneously believing that Mr. or Mrs. Right is out there. If you spend single time bettering yourself emotionally, mentally, and physically, Love will find you.

Step 3: Don’t Say No to a Good Thing Because It Seems Logical

When Mr. Right-For-Now first propositioned me, the most logical answer would’ve been no. He was graduating while I had a year left. That meant starting off our relationship long-distance. And even after I graduated, I planned to go anywhere but back home–where Mr. Right-For-Now resided. At least that was the plan. But where did life actually take me? I landed a job in my field back home with Mr. Right-For-Now no more than a 20-minute drive away.  The moral of the story is it’s good to have a plan. But sometimes Fate (God) will take you somewhere else that’s actually better for you. The same can go for a job opportunity. Don’t turn it down because you know your boyfriend won’t want to move. Let possibility do it’s thing first. Sometimes, things work themselves out in an illogical fashion.

But in the end, basketball feels empty without the Love of her life.

Step 4: Share Your Dreams Early

When dating, asking the heavy questions early prevents you from learning things about your partner after you’ve already fallen for him or her. Although it may seem weird at first, share your goals and dreams with any potential mates (which makes for great date conversation). And listen to the goals and dreams of the person sitting across from you–operative word being listen. People will tell you exactly who they are and what they want out of life if you just listen. The one that’s truly for you will have a life plan that doesn’t conflict with yours.

Step 5: Live Life Together

After you find that special someone, decide to completely share your lives prenuptially. Let him or her into your finances, your religion, your career, your family. Share EVERYTHING. So when she asks you to move to California with her for a job, you’re willing and able to do so because you always wanted to move to California anyway. When you’re not married, this doesn’t seem like something you need to do. But Mr. Right-For-Now and I almost broke up over the selfish decisions we’d made without consulting or including one another. What may be best for you is not necessarily what’s best for your relationship. It’s okay to sacrifice when sacrificing doesn’t mean giving up on your goals and dreams. If you want to be together in the end, you have to live life together now. Give him or her the chance to support you by including your partner in everything.

Have you experienced your own Catch-20something? How did it work out?

Wait Did He Just Say Temporary Boyfriend?


Wendy Williams hosts her unconventional dating game where women try to pick a serious suitor out of guys they've been seeing casually.

With the exception of that one guy who says black women should give up dating black men all together, when black men dish out dating wisdom–whether it’s Steve Harvey or Flavor Flav–I listen. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. No one knows black men better than other black men. And a wise woman studies her prey. If you want to find (and keep) a good black man, you have to listen to some of the things good black men say–even some of what the bad ones say, so you know what to avoid. Sometimes that means digging through testosterone-driven buffoonery and deep-rooted sexism to find anything meaningful. But there are also those moments when a man’s mind is simply brilliant. Is Your Coochie in High Demand? is one of those moments. From the creator of the hilariously real peek-into-a black-man’s-mind blog Black Girls Are Easy, Is Your Coochie in High Demand? urges black women to get temporary boyfriends. Start calling those men you would never take seriously back–because the women in “high demand” are the ones with boyfriends. Take a look at this man’s answer to a question I’ve asked myself for years.

“‘Why do guys want me when I have someone, but when I’m single no one hollas? Simple. When you were single you were walking around with an attitude, posting dumb a** love quotes on Facebook, and mean mugging every guy in the club because you thought you were above that scene. Once you find a man you begin to radiate with confidence and every man around you becomes drawn to that fire. When a woman is in a relationship her entire swagger changes, she’s glowing, her hair stays done, a** looks phatter, and she’s no longer using Carmex, she’s Mac’d up and those lips are popping!'”

While I’m not the biggest fan of casual sex, I am that dedicated football mom who cusses out the referee when it comes to casual dating. I go hard for it. In fact, I might have haphazardly invented it. What is casual dating? Casual dating is dating simply because you’re a woman and some man somewhere wants to take you somewhere with little to no (closer to no) cost to you. Every woman has a guy (or a girl) in her back pocket. That’s the beauty of having two X-chromosomes. And back pocket people have their uses. There were many a hungry broke night in college where one more bowl of oodles ‘n noodles would’ve left me barely conscious and passed out on the floor from a sodium overdose. On those nights, I simply reached into my back pocket and pulled out a date. I was hungry and I was bored. So why not? You don’t have to sleep with back pocket people. They usually don’t want anything more than you’re time. So why not give it to them? At least until someone more worth your time comes along. Think about how life works. Do people usually come right out of college and jump straight into their dream careers? No. They start out with some job they know they can get, make a little money, and look for another job in between ringing up double cheeseburgers. All cars come with an extra tire in the back. We even have a Vice President in case the first one gets shot. The universe thrives on Plan B’s.

Casual dating isn’t for everyone. But if you’re willing to try it, it works. As a teenaged girl, I remember accumulating up to 7 boyfriends at one time–all temporaries. I wasn’t having sex with any of them. I was just having fun. But when a serious contender came along, I dropped them all. The key is having fun with it without being manipulative. I encourage grown women to do it better than I did. Even be honest about it. They don’t have to be “boyfriends” they can just be men you’re dating. Consider them temps and develop a roster of them. Choose men that you’re still attracted to, interested in getting to know, but for one reason or another you know it won’t work out long-term. And hopefully they won’t be looking for anything long-term either. Some of us don’t mind sitting pretty while waiting for Mr. Right. Others of us have a damned good time by our lonesome. You don’t need a man to enjoy single life. But if you’ve got the single girl blues, maybe you should reach in your back pocket for a pick me up.

Sex and the City


Four beautiful women in their 30s sat around a small table discussing the new post-chivalry dating possibilities of the millennium.

I Love the Sex and the City writers for staying so true to real life. In the end, the only one who gets the fairytale Love is the one who never stopped believing she could have it.

“Look, if you’re a successful single woman in this city you have two choices,” the blonde one roused. “You can bang your head against the wall and try and find a relationship. Or you can say screw it and just go out and have sex. Like a man.”

“You mean with dildos?” the brunette asked, confused.

“No! I mean without feelings.”

The other two women–another blonde and a redhead–listened eagerly as the first blonde explained a prior sexual escapade where she felt absolutely nothing for the man in her bed. But the brunette’s eyebrows furrowed in bewilderment. The concept of “having sex like a man” flustered her. She still believed in romance. And she doubted the blonde’s ability to feel absolutely nothing.

As I listened to these four women talk, I was reminded of the troubled state of my sex and womanhood in the 21st Century. I, too, had gone through a period in my dating life where I approached things “like a man.” I took what I wanted and didn’t particularly care about the other person’s feelings. I called back if and when I felt like it. And I had sex without feelings. So I asked myself if the two-can-play-that-game attitude–pioneered by women in the 90s and carried on by women in the 2000s–really did us any good? It didn’t help me have better relationships with men I wanted to take seriously. It didn’t get me a proposal from some guy amazed by my ability to f**k him and leave him. It didn’t keep me from getting my feelings hurt by men. And it definitely didn’t even leave me with a stack of mind-blowing sex stories :(. My days of “having sex like a man” resulted in the same thing it often results in for men–emptiness and no true connections. I filled myself on temporary comforts only to end up hungry again. I do not regret experiencing sex without emotion. It created a needed boundary between sex and Love in my mind. But it wasn’t a completely fulfilling and satisfying experience–physically nor emotionally. And as I contemplated what I’d been through, seen other women go through, and the gripes of those four women at the table, I wondered why did modern women want to be like men so badly?? What is so bad about being a woman??

I have a theory. It would seem that us 21st century girls have been suckered into subconsciously hating ourselves. We are overrun with and internalize the sexist propaganda that comes with life in America. We have somehow systemically learned that emotion is in fact weakness. And we’ve distanced ourselves from our abused, battered, and manipulated mothers, grandmothers, and aunts. We have watched them accept things from men (or other women) that we would never accept ourselves. And in our frustration with the women of a different era, we’ve found solace in what we perceive to be masculine behaviors. Instead of being the abused, we’re the abusers, the oppressor instead of the oppressed.

Any woman who actually has “had sex like a man” without any emotional attachment knows how powerful that can make you feel–at least initially. But when it’s time to explain to a man you really like how many guys you’ve been with and he doesn’t really want to hear anything over 5, you feel like shit again. Or when it’s your birthday and you want one of those guys you’re just sleeping with to make you feel special  and you realize that none of them can–and none of them want to. If women were honest with themselves and with their EMOTIONS, we’d realize the truth–that casual sex poses emotional dangers for us. Because at the end of the day, we want to feel Love. Women, after all, were created for Love.

Whether or not casual sex is good for women is a highly debated issue (check out Can Women Enjoy Casual Sex? from Psychology Today). And even though I am leaning more towards the side that says it’s not so great a practice for MOST women, I am in no way advocating that women should NOT have casual sex. I know. Now you’re sitting at home like “wait, but you just said…” I know what I said. I also believe just like the four women illustrated above women do not fit into a single box. There may be women out there like the blonde (aka Samantha Jones) filled with enough self-Love that they do not need life long companionship. I’ve never met them but I’m sure they’re out there. Even I’ve had casual sex that made me feel sexually empowered not because it was so great but because I was exercising my pussy power. I got to say when, where, and how it would be done. And if he didn’t like it, he had to go. What I am trying to say about casual sex is examine your motives as a woman and do not deny yourself your innermost desires. If you want Love (like the brunette and the other blonde), say you want Love.

I’ve come across many women who try to deny themselves their own nature. They say things like “it’s not that serious”, “I’m not that kind of girl. I just wanna f**k”, or “I’m just having fun”. But when the right person comes along, they’re swept up faster than you can say Swiffer. Not realizing that all they are doing is denying their own humanity, they’re own womanhood–feeding into the propaganda that tells us it’s not okay to be vulnerable and emotional and to want a relationship. We feed into the messages that tell us somehow men are more powerful and have more control because they’re less sensitive. But it takes the most strength to be vulnerable–whether you’re a man or a woman. The hardest thing in the world is sharing your heart–not your bed. If you are having casual sex while maintaining the ultimate Love for self  and not compromising on what you want, than by all means “do you booboo”. But do not fall into casual sex because you’re afraid to pursue the Love you want and need. If you put yourself out there for Love, the Universe will not return to you empty-handed.

#YoureSingleBecause


Relationships are mirrors that help us see ourselves.

Though I’m sure many of you heard of, indulged in, or seen the likes of the trending topic #ImSingleBecause on Twitter–none of you have been so incensed by it as I am. In typical Twitter fashion (for those of you still living under a rock), during a trending topic, people all around the world will use this social network to write 140 character statements describing how they feel or happenings in their lives. The statements, called “tweets,” then broadcast to a group of your friends called “followers” and if you have an open account (vs. a private one) to the world. Therefore, a “trending topic” becomes an opportunity for the whole world, literally, to talk about one thing. All the tweeters have to do is mark their tweets with a hash tag (#) and the topic at hand. In the case of #Imsinglebecause, the 140 characters supposedly explain why the tweeter feels he or she has no luck in the relationship department. And every time someone marks a tweet with #imsinglebecause, the hashtag becomes a link in the tweet. The link leads to a grand list of everyone on Twitter currently talking about that same thing. To access the list, you simply click the hashtag. For the creator of the Misadventures, a blog for young singles and young daters who want to better themselves, it would seem a list of this capacity would be EPIC (notice the capitalization–for dramatic emphasis). Young men and young women everywhere coming together to admit their faulty dating practices–what could be better than that??

Well let’s take a looksy shall we?

Ahhh. Well it seems as though I was even more wrong than those May 21st judgement day people who quit their jobs (in THIS economy). Instead of insightful, self-aware answers–this trending topic, like plenty others before it–turned out to be more evidence that my generation is doomed. I cringed inside as I noticed the vast majority of these tweeters blamed their single status on factors outside of themselves. No one seemed to consider that the reason they were single had something to do with them. And I fear that even outside of Twitter, many people don’t understand that small fact–you’re single because of you.

The Relationship As A Mirror Theory

Whether we’re talking about the habitual liar YOU picked up at the club last night or the crazy girl YOU introduced to your parent’s last month, the operative word is YOU. You were attracted, you pursued, you gave your number out, you said “I do”–no one else but you. Typically, when I start talking like this, many people get defensive. I hear things like “but I didn’t know he was crazy. If I knew, I wouldn’t have dated him” or “man that girl cheated on me! how is that my fault?” or the infamous, “I can’t help who I am attracted to.” And to a certain extent, that is correct. Attraction has a lot of chemical, scientific, and spiritual factors that you are not aware of and therefore cannot control. But there is also an extent to which that is completely incorrect. A pastor once told me, “you are what you attract.” Which means there is something about you that attracts lying men and crazy women. It is no coincidence that a woman with very low self-worth will attract a man that beats her. If she beats on herself, she is more likely to take it from someone else.

Still not following me? I’ll give you a personal example. As some of you know, my last relationship was with a man we call Mr. Lies-About-Everything-But-His-Name. Not so surprisingly, Mr. Lies-About-Everything-But-His-Name also happened to be extremely unfaithful to me. And when I found out about his infidelities, I would use that as an opportunity to enact my own brand of justice. I cheated back. Also, not so surprisingly, he wasn’t the only person I had this relationship pattern with. I’d done the same thing with the boyfriend before him. In fact, I’d done it all throughout my dating life. The boy would cheat or I assumed he cheated and I’d use that as a justification to cheat myself. Because of this, I remember accumulating 7 “boyfriends” at once when I was a teenager. So when Mr. Right-For-Now pointed out my fear of commitment, I started to connect all of the dots. Maybe I’d always dated a cheater because there was a part of me that was prone to cheating. If I dated the faithful kind of guy, he’d expect that I’d also be faithful. And maybe I just didn’t have that in me. So I found myself with cheaters.

The key to understanding your patterns is realizing you play out most of them subconsciously. I didn’t wake up saying “let me see, let me see, who’s going to cheat on me today? Ah you there, fella in the blue, you look like a cheater. Here, take my number!” Au contraire. I saw a cute guy and flirted with him until he decided to ask for my number. Nothing more, nothing less. Or so it will seem to the untrained eye. Without the help of a mirror, the untrained eye cannot see what it cannot see. You will only have a very fragmented idea of what you look like. You might be able to feel the width of your nose with your hands or trace the curve of your chin with your fingertips–but that’s just a fraction of the big picture that is you. So, if you allow them into your life, relationships–whether healthy or non–can act as mirrors of the subconscious, reflecting the inner most beliefs, desires, and feelings. Relationships help you see the things you otherwise wouldn’t. As my boss would say, how you “show up” in the mirror of relationships is often how you “show up” in the mirror of life.

The next time you’re tempted to type #Imsinglebecause no one holds my attention, look a little deeper. What you’re really saying is #Imsinglebecause in general I’m an unfocused person and I don’t have the focus to be in a relationship right now. Or when you go to write #Imsinglebecause women aren’t mature enough, think about the things inside of you that might’ve attracted those immature women. Maybe as a man, you’ve got some more growing up to do yourself. (I think my friend, the ever so eloquent Katt Williams, said it best. If you can see past the expletives, please enjoy the clip I’ve embedded below!) The key to ridding yourself of harmful habits is to own them. If you understand that your lack of ambition will attract a lazy person into your life, then you can start looking into ways to get motivated. When you make a decided effort to become Mr. or Ms. Right, it’ll be much easier to bump into someone looking for just that.

The Misadventures of Ms. “Living Single”


 

The cast of 1990s sitcom, Living Single

 

Even though Beyoncé’s Kanye-West-acclaimed best video of all time makes it look glamorous, living the single lady life is not always something to dance around in a leotard about. For those of us deemed courtship-challenged, trials arise even more often than usual in attempts to rid us of our single status. And the process can get downright discouraging to say the least. But wait, what’s that I hear in the distance? Could it be? Help is on the way?

THE WHITE HALL SINGLE LADIES CLUB, INC. to the rescue (say this 12 times fast)! Dun-dunna-nuh!

Every once in a while I come across a good idea that’s not mine. And when I do, I have to share it. Co-workers in White Hall, a residence hall at Temple University, came together to start a rather atypical secret society. What started out as a joke among colleagues turned into a remedy for the seemingly never-ending party of one.

Before the WHSLC, Inc., the 5 girls shared your average co-worker bond. They spoke only when necessary.  But an office “bromance” amongst the male colleagues made the women jealous enough to want to get along. So what could 5 near strangers possibly bond over? Relationships, of course! It all began with Candice*, a woman brave enough to ask her fellow employees about a relationship she’d been considering rekindling. And it just ricocheted from there. One by one they confided in each other, spreading the weight of their dating loads across one another’s backs. Take Courtney*, for example. Courtney had been seeing a guy on campus. But while at a Temple gathering, Courtney and the present Single Club members ran into Courtney’s man friend linked up with someone else. After calling a meeting to discuss it, the WHSLC, Inc. unanimously decided Courtney should date other people and leave “Mr. Swag-a-Lot” (aka Mr. Playa Playa, for my 30 & over readers) behind. Naturally Courtney walked away hurt and disappointed. But the WHSLC, Inc. was there to buffer any negative feelings she had.

“We were there for [Courtney] to talk. I asked her if she was ready to leave even though I had really wanted to stay at the party,” professes Asia*, another member. “Sometimes we stayed up with each other ‘til 2, 3 in the morning on the phone.”

They shop together, go out to eat together, and play cards together–setting up opportunity after opportunity to talk about anything dating related.Who wouldn’t want an all-you-can-bitch pass? And after innumerable mass texts, phone calls, and late nights spent learning the words to “Bottom’s Up” (their unofficial theme song), they are all pretty comfortable taking one another’s advice. It sounds like they have no problem dishing out or accepting the sometimes unattractive truth. Imagine something like Sex and the City meets Dr. Phil.

“It’s good advice,” dishes Asia, “I had to leave the guy I really liked alone when the group pointed out some of his [not-so-nice] ways. Everybody said give it up!”

It takes a lot of trust to give up on a guy you really like just because a group of people you barely know told you to. They trust one another so much in fact, they decided against the 30 pending incoming members.

“So many other people wanted to join,” comments Asia “we were going to interview them and everything. But we had to tell them no and they were mad. We wanted to make sure we’d still be comfortable talking as a group.”

And it comes to no surprise that 30 others stood in line to get a piece of the action. As I sit among them, all I can do is smile. The positive energy radiating from the women in their element bounces around the room like a newborn baby at a family reunion. They are not bitter. They are not angry. They are not competitive. They want to “graduate” out of the club, but not at the expense of their integrity or sanity. I am impressed—very impressed. On a college campus where the female to male ratio makes a threesome seem like the closest thing any of us will ever get to true Love, I hardly expected to find 5 women barely acquainted getting together to encourage healthy relationships. The story about 5 BFFs all sleeping with the same guy unknowingly seems more believable (apparently, it happens to the best of them). Fortunately, I’ve witnessed how the White Hall Single Ladies Club, Inc. acts first as a sisterhood–meeting Mr. Right is just a side effect.

For those of you out there who rather not prance around in 4-inch heels and leotards heralding the praises of playing lone ranger, I urge you to try this. A singles-only club could be a fun and effective alternative that kills two birds of loneliness with one stone. Although we should all feel comfortable in our own skin enough to weather the lonely nights, it’s okay to come to a point where you don’t want to be by yourself anymore. And what better way to keep you motivated to go after that relationship than with like-minded, positive people who want the same thing!

*Names changed to protect their super secret identities!

** Presently, 2 members of the White Hall Single Ladies Club, Inc. have actually “graduated”, 3 are dating, and 1 is looking. But Candice assures me even alumni remain “active” members of the group.

***For those of you who remember better days (aka the 90s), I have included the opening to Living Single and how it changed over the seasons to spark your nostalgia. Plus, the theme song (rapped by Queen Latifah) gives a positive message about sisterhood.

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