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The Last Letter from the Editor: And It All Leads Up to This…


IMG950508To My Beautiful, Glorious, Courageous, and Intuitive Readers:

You read the title correctly. This will be my last letter directly to you on this blog :(…I know some of you are thinking it’s been months since I wrote a real post anyways and now I’m writing to tell you I’m almost done writing. Tis true. And that’s partly because of the summer. Something about the summer makes it difficult for me to buckle down and write. But the other part of me was debating whether I would continue this blog at all. Or pass it along to someone else. Just when it was starting to get good, just when I was starting to see so much growth and improvement, just when I started to take this blogging thing more seriously–c’est la fin! Well, nearing the end. I think I’ve got about two more solid posts in me. But I guess that’s life. And I’m not mad about it. Because all this debacle has been for a great reason. I promise!!! You ready for this? Are you sitting down?

Last month, Mr. Right-For-Now proposed to me under a glorious sunset by the water. I said yes! I’ll never forget it was on the same day of the George Zimmerman verdict–simultaneously the most beautiful and ugliest day I’ve experienced to date. We were at a bar celebrating when we found out the news. Fortunately, it takes more than one asshole running free for murder to put a stop to life, to put a stop to PROGRESSION. So we are planning an elegant broom jumping ceremony in my favorite season–Fall of 2014. Which makes me his future Mrs. Right Forever. And as I’m fully enthralled in this new phase of Love–engagement–it seems the old persona is gone. The woman who started this blog 3 years ago in search of something real after finding so much rubbish has found solid gold. And I plan to cash in while I can!! Therefore, I must say farewell and THANK YOU to all the LOVELY people who made this incredible journey possible.  You laughed with me. You cussed him out with me. You made up with him with me. You grew with me. You bettered yourselves as I bettered myself. You challenged me. You encouraged me. For 3 years.

100MEDIA$IMAG0325Now I’m here in this wonderfully beautiful new place. I am fully present–watching and learning STILL as engagement brings new things to light. I remember asking one of my girlfriends if I should do something for Mr. Right-For-Now in return–as a gift or as some type of gratitude for the proposal. And she said ever-so-wisely to me “no. I think you’ve done enough!” And I just smiled to myself. Because I understood her so clearly. The man got down on one knee and told me he couldn’t think of anywhere else he’d rather be than with me for life. I had certainly done enough–at least for now. No more improvements. No more strategies. No more working night and day on being the best girlfriend/fiancée/future wife ever. For now, I’m just resting in my excitement for us! I’m resting in my contentment! And enjoying planning a wedding (AHHHHHH!). I thought about doing a new blog series for you guys on engagement–and maybe I will write a piece on it. But it’s such an intimate experience and much of this blog comes out of my willingness to fully disclose my shortcomings and championships as they happen. Now, I want to focus on living in each and every one of these moments with my future hubby–staying grounded, attentive, and in-tune with myself. This is the last year I have as a “single” woman and I’d like to have it to myself as selfish as that may sound. Hopefully, you understand where I’m coming from though. Because it feels good to say I have done enough.

Of course I still want to continue bettering myself and learning as much as I can about relationships. Someone once told me, “marriage is not the destination. It is a journey”, suggesting that many women get the ring and believe that is the ultimate validation. I do not want to imply that at all. I’m definitely not done progressing just because he proposed. But my mission has changed just a tad from when I started on here.

I believe that Black Love is the cure for many of our community’s afflictions. So I would Love to transition to a blog talking about Black marriage, Black families, and issues related to how my Black community can achieve more wholeness. I did that IMG950509 (1)here. Somewhat. However, the time has come, I think, for a stronger platform–especially in light of things like the lack of justice for Trayvon! So this is goodbye for now. It is the easiest goodbye I’ve ever said. Not because I don’t Love you. But because our time is nearly up.  When you know your time is up, you’ve got to make room for new things. And because I’ve given you guys so much of me–so much of us–that’s always here on these pages for you to access, it’s not really a goodbye at all. From first date to proposal, I leave you my Love legacy. So when you’re having a rough dating day and you just want to give up, remember me on your Black Love journeys. Remember that Black Love is better when it’s real. And it IS real. We are proof. Remember that good Black guys sometimes win. And they win big!! Remember that Black women can and DO marry and stay happily married–even in the midst of social networks, people living like they’re auditioning for reality TV shows, and booty calls that come way too easily. Remember that no labor of Love goes unrewarded. The universe is waiting to unfold all it’s greatness on you!

Stay tuned for my last few posts. Enjoy them as much as I have enjoyed writing them. Then, keep me in your heart as you guys are always in mine. Learning to Love like this has been my greatest accomplishment to date. And I hope I’ve inspired some of you to pursue that same path. Because Love never fails!

Sincerely yours,

The blogger formerly known as “Ms. Not-Right-Now” hehe

P.S. For my truest of fans, keep a lookout for my rebirth because there will be one. Suddenly, I have a new found understanding of why we all had to suffer through Puff Daddy becoming Puffy and then P. Diddy and then just Diddy. As I recreate myself and my brand, I will have to change names. Don’t worry though. Me and this writing thing, we go way back. And we ain’t done yet!

 

Too Adorable Not to Share


black_childrenWe’ve all heard tales of the divine yet candid wisdom of children. A child’s mind knows enough about the world to have an opinion on it and remains pure enough that we can assume the absolute best of their intentions. So naturally, I laughed aloud when I stumbled on Chris Hughes’ “How Do You Decide Who to Marry”, from the mouths of babes. But it simultaneously provoked thought and held insight. Their truth is contagious. So without further adieu, enjoy!

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? (written by kids)

by Chris Hughes 

A group of young kids were asked how to decide who to marry and here are the results which are pretty amusing.

(1) You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
– Alan, age 10

(2) No person really decides before they grow up who they’re going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you’re stuck with.
– Kristen, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

(1) Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
– Camille, age 10

(2) No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married.
– Freddie, age 6 (very wise for his age)
Kids-Say-the-Darndest-Things-Cosby-Bill-9780553581263HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

(1) You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
– Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

(1) Both don’t want any more kids.
– Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

(1) Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
– Lynnette, age 8 (isn’t she a treasure)

(2) On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that Usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
– Martin, age 10
WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?

(1) I’d run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead Brothers Arm in Armcolumns.
-Craig, age 9
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

(1) When they’re rich.
– Pam, age 7

(2) The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn’t want to mess with that.
– Curt, age 7

(3) The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It’s the right thing to do.
– Howard, age 8
little-black-childIS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

(1) I don’t know which is better, but I’ll tell you one thing. I’m never going to have sex with my wife. I don’t want to be all grossed out.
– Theodore, age 8

(2) It’s better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
– Anita, age 9 (bless you child)
HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN’T GET MARRIED?

(1) There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn’t there?
– Kelvin, age 8

And the #1 Favorite is……..
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

(1) Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.
– Ricky, age 10

I Laughed, I Cried, I Had My Faith Restored


Have you guys seen Still Standing? It is a documentary on the things that have kept [black] people married for years and years. It follows about 5 couples–each with their own struggle. Money. Infidelity. Blending families. Sickness. Naysayers. Although it is skewed towards the black american christian community (meaning there will be plenty of mention of God and Jesus as the keys to getting through troubles), I found it helpful and encouraging. It is about learning from the people who came before you. “You do not have to reinvent the wheel,” as the woman says in the trailer. Check it out. And keep fighting the good relationship fight. Happy Father’s Day!

The Ultimate Ultimatum


Ultimatums can be an effective way to get what you want out of a relationship.

Boy meets girl. Boy likes girl. Boy loves girl. Boy says “I’m not the marrying type.” Boy stays with girl for five years. Boy drops girl for some floozy and marries her six months later.

We’ve all heard the stories before, though the characters vary. Sometimes it’s boy meets boy, sometimes it’s girl meets girl–the point is when you’re dating monogamously, the issue of marriage arises. Or the lack of it arising becomes an issue, whichever boat floats atop your situation. And some of you are just looking for a solid commitment, you can’t even fathom marriage yet. Nevertheless, when the marriage/commitment conversation does rear its head it might be a fugly one! So how do you approach this very delicate issue without scaring the other person off? Let’s take a looksy.

The first step is to know what YOU want. And the second step is to make that clear. On our first date, (see the details of that date here) Mr. Right-For-Now looked me dead in the eye and said: “I’m not really looking for another girlfriend. I’m looking for a wife.” And I gulped, audibly–the task of finishing my shrimp alfredo interrupted by the weight of that thought. Because he was very much serious. Considering my relationship ineptitude, I was content with the thought of just seriously dating again. But he made it clear that wasn’t enough for him. So if I wanted him, I would have to rethink how deep I wanted to get because he planned to work towards something permanent. So that night I went home and thought about what he told me. And the way I saw it, I could go hard in this or go home. Regardless of what I decided, Mr. Right-For-Now had no intentions on compromising what he wanted for the likes of me. But I respected him for telling me because it allowed me to decide if I was willing to step up to the plate or not.

Obviously, some of you haven’t done this and didn’t do this from the beginning in your relationships. You settled for the “it’s complicated” on Facebook when you know you wanted “in a relationship with.” Not to fear. There is a remedy called an ultimatum. Yes, and do NOT be afraid of it.

Its never too late to have the commitment or marriage talk with your significant other.

What I’ve Read:

According to Cosmopolitan magazine, “it is a relationship myth that giving your guy [or your girl] an ultimatum will mess things up. As a matter of fact, it may be exactly what he needs.” (Read Should You Give Him an Ultimatum? here) If done tactfully–and please take note that the root word of tactfully is TACT–an ultimatum is a very effective tool. Cosmopolitan suggests bringing up your wants calmly but directly. Hints are ineffective. Then, you back off. Let the other person think about what you’ve posed and wait patiently for the answer. The party issuing the ultimatum must realize that you can’t make anyone do anything they do not want to do. If the other person isn’t ready or he or she doesn’t see you in future plans, don’t count on much changing.

What I’ve Done:

Quite frankly, I was tired. I didn’t know how many more ways I could tell him that we had a communication issue. And after the 300 millionth time saying the same thing, I had a feeling the results wouldn’t change much. This time, it had to sound a lot more urgent. I let him know that I had a serious need and if he continued to leave that need unmet, I would walk. And he finally listened. So I am very much in favor of ultimatums and have used them more than once in my relationship. I have also found that not only stating what you want but why you want it works even better. The key, however, to any ultimatum is follow through. If you tell him you will leave him if he won’t marry you, then you do actually have to leave at some point. Which also means that ultimatums should only come up in situations where it’s worth it to leave (and no, her obnoxious infatuation with Justin Bieber doesn’t make the cut).

You know what they say, “actions speak louder than words.” So if you really want her to commit, if you really want him to propose–act like it!


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