Just A Thought…”Why I Believe that Soul Mates Don’t Exist”

Darius Lovehall: Romance is about the possibility of the thing. You see, it’s about the time between when you first meet the woman, and when you first make love to her; When you first ask a woman to marry you, and when she says I do. When people who been together a long time say that the romance is gone, what they’re really saying is they’ve exhausted the possibility.

If you’re anything like me at all, when you hear titles of articles like Aja Dorsey Jackson’s Why I Believe that Soul Mates Don’t Exist you instantly cringe. And yet upon clicking, and then reading, I found that I agree with most of what she’s saying. Jackson seeks to point out to people that there’s not a single individual on earth you will meet that instantly zaps the need to work at compatibility. And the idea that such a person even exists gnaws at the very root of relationships. Jackson gives a very real and pragmatic way to look at things. This blog also advocates heavily for practical and logical approaches to Love and dating. So I’m not mad at her for writing this.

At the same time though,  I don’t think the idea of having to put in work in a relationship and the idea of soul mates are mutually exclusive. Let’s think back to the first couple–no, not Obama and Michelle–but, Adam and Eve. God created Eve specifically as a helper to Adam by stealing his rib while he slept. The very word “woman”, in fact, means to come from man. Now this is no intentional disrespect to my same sex couples but the general theory is that subsequently God created every Eve with an Adam in mind. And he created Adam knowing Eve was coming. To me, the idea of soul mates refers to the creation of one soul with another soul in mind. And maybe some are actually blessed enough to meet that soul in their human life. I think it is possible. That possibility makes life and Love exciting and romantic. It keeps us motivated to go out there and suffer through the hardships of dating. You see, to quote the wise brother Darius from “Love Jones“, “Romance is about the possibility of the thing…when people who been together a long time say that the romance is gone, what they’re really saying is that they’ve exhausted the possibility”. Right now, I’m Living for the possibility that Mr. Right is the right one created by God with me in mind. And because I’ll never really know until I’m done with this life, that possibility can be endless if we want it to be and if we work for it to be. So let’s be smart about Love black folk–meaning we do the WORK involved in it to sustain it. But just because we’re working at it, let’s not exhaust the possibility of the thing.

To Twerk or Not to Twerk? That is the Question

Even before we all seen Miley Cyrus do it to a married man on national television and before she “made it popular” on YouTube in a unicorn onesie, the issue of twerkin’ came up in my relationship. You see, Mr. Right, like many young men his age, is no stranger to worldstarhiphop.com. And people look to worldstar for some of the most outrageous, most outlandish, and shockingly uncouth antics of the people we inhabit this world with. It’s like World’s Funniest Home Videos for black people. For those of you unfamiliar, sometimes that means looking at a video of a bus driver punching one of his passengers. Sometimes the big video of the day is a woman twerkin’ in a bucket at a cookout. So at the end of one of these worldstar video binges, Mr. Right casually asked me “Babe, do you know how to twerk? Would you twerk for me?”

Immediately, this turned me off. And the questions began. Why would a man want his fiancee to twerk for him? Is that just his way of getting his ratchet woman fix? Does he expect me to do what those ratchet girls do? Why would he be attracted to ratchetness? His question also subsequently led to a further discussion on whether twerkin’ makes a woman ratchet, whether twerkin’ makes a woman sexually promiscuous, and whether twerkin’ makes a woman thirsty for male attention. We both threw out our thoughts and opinions. And at the end of everything, he concluded, “I don’t see no problem with it if you’re doing it for me”. So I decided that if it’s something that he likes, I’m not completely opposed but I need time to break down my walls and barriers and decide how I really felt about this twerkin’ business and why I felt that way. As I went on my to twerk or not to twerk journey, I discovered a few things.

1) This adorable twerkin’ how-to video by YouTube fitness guru Keaira Lashae

2) A slightly different perspective on the twerkin’ phenom from JaeTracie

3) And this article

http://www.buzzfeed.com/joelanderson/2-live-crews-uncle-luke-campbell-wishes-miley-were-better-at

The thing that stuck out to me the most in the last article was Winnie Mandela‘s defense of Uncle Luke (all those links are worth checking out if you have the time btw). She claimed that there is a certain amount of booty throwin’ and tossin’ that’s in our heritage and culture. This was news to my ears. I mean sure I knew black people and dance had a strong connection. But could you really argue that twerkin’ was in our heritage? So I wanted to know more about it. And I found that there is evidence of some sort of traditional booty dancing in almost every country of Africa. Lacking a connection with hip-hop culture, it is a far less sexualized, vulgar, and demeaning practice. It is quite beautiful actually. See below:

And to know this new information excited me!!! But hurt me at the same time. I was hurt that I had to feel ashamed and embarrassed by the likes of Miley Cyrus. And even as I watch the infinitely more talented Twerk Team, I can’t help but feel like I’ve gotten a cheap, modernized and arguably even tainted version of something so uniquely beautiful. I felt robbed of an opportunity to do a more traditional booty dance for my future husband–dances not affiliated with stripper and video vixen culture, crowds of men with camera phones, revealing costumes, and men trying to “make it rain” on me. Now my only opportunity to dance for him is bending over, back-arched, popping it to some Gucci Mane on in the background? It’s not fair!!

At the end of everything, I am still undecided. I know I like to shake my booty from time to time. And I definitely don’t see anything wrong with that anymore. I know I am impressed by the muscle control and athleticism of the Twerk Team.  But I can’t see myself making a twerkin’ video anytime soon. Because as JaeTraecie points out, there’s a certain amount of checking your self-worth at the door that comes with this revamped and modernized dance craze. Unfortunately, it’s become mostly raunchy opening the door for more disrespect, objectification, and over-sexualization of black women. Unless of course, you know how to keep it cute and classy like my girl Keaira Lashae and like twerkin’s distant traditional booty dancing cousins from Africa. But what exactly creates that line between classy and trashy twerkin’? Is it the way the woman dresses in the video? Is it her motivation or intentions when creating the video? Or is it the overall way that she carries herself? Maybe if you’re not trashy, your twerkin’ won’t be trashy either. But I am still not exactly sure why some booty shaking black women embarrass me (i.e. Miley Cyrus’ jumbo teddy bear sidekick twerkers) while others make me feel proud to be black! However, what did become much more clear was the reason why my man would be attracted to and enticed by these booty dances. It is in his blood just as it’s in mine.

The Last Letter from the Editor: And It All Leads Up to This…

To My Beautiful, Glorious, Courageous, and Intuitive Readers:

You read the title correctly. This will be my last letter directly to you on this blog :(…I know some of you are thinking it’s been months since I wrote a real post anyways and now I’m writing to tell you I’m almost done writing. Tis true. And that’s partly because of the summer. Something about the summer makes it difficult for me to buckle down and write. But the other part of me was debating whether I would continue this blog at all. Or pass it along to someone else. Just when it was starting to get good, just when I was starting to see so much growth and improvement, just when I started to take this blogging thing more seriously–c’est la fin! Well, nearing the end. I think I’ve got about two more solid posts in me. But I guess that’s life. And I’m not mad about it. Because all this debacle has been for a great reason. I promise!!! You ready for this? Are you sitting down?

Last month, Mr. Right-For-Now proposed to me under a glorious sunset by the water. I said yes! I’ll never forget it was on the same day of the George Zimmerman verdict–simultaneously the most beautiful and ugliest day I’ve experienced to date. We were at a bar celebrating when we found out the news. Fortunately, it takes more than one asshole running free for murder to put a stop to life, to put a stop to PROGRESSION. So we are planning an elegant broom jumping ceremony in my favorite season–Fall of 2014. Which makes me his future Mrs. Right Forever. And as I’m fully enthralled in this new phase of Love–engagement–it seems the old persona is gone. The woman who started this blog 3 years ago in search of something real after finding so much rubbish has found solid gold. And I plan to cash in while I can!! Therefore, I must say farewell and THANK YOU to all the LOVELY people who made this incredible journey possible.  You laughed with me. You cussed him out with me. You made up with him with me. You grew with me. You bettered yourselves as I bettered myself. You challenged me. You encouraged me. For 3 years.

Now I’m here in this wonderfully beautiful new place. I am fully present–watching and learning STILL as engagement brings new things to light. I remember asking one of my girlfriends if I should do something for Mr. Right-For-Now in return–as a gift or as some type of gratitude for the proposal. And she said ever-so-wisely to me “no. I think you’ve done enough!” And I just smiled to myself. Because I understood her so clearly. The man got down on one knee and told me he couldn’t think of anywhere else he’d rather be than with me for life. I had certainly done enough–at least for now. No more improvements. No more strategies. No more working night and day on being the best girlfriend/fiancée/future wife ever. For now, I’m just resting in my excitement for us! I’m resting in my contentment! And enjoying planning a wedding (AHHHHHH!). I thought about doing a new blog series for you guys on engagement–and maybe I will write a piece on it. But it’s such an intimate experience and much of this blog comes out of my willingness to fully disclose my shortcomings and championships as they happen. Now, I want to focus on living in each and every one of these moments with my future hubby–staying grounded, attentive, and in-tune with myself. This is the last year I have as a “single” woman and I’d like to have it to myself as selfish as that may sound. Hopefully, you understand where I’m coming from though. Because it feels good to say I have done enough.

Of course I still want to continue bettering myself and learning as much as I can about relationships. Someone once told me, “marriage is not the destination. It is a journey”, suggesting that many women get the ring and believe that is the ultimate validation. I do not want to imply that at all. I’m definitely not done progressing just because he proposed. But my mission has changed just a tad from when I started on here.

I believe that Black Love is the cure for many of our community’s afflictions. So I would Love to transition to a blog talking about Black marriage, Black families, and issues related to how my Black community can achieve more wholeness. I did that here. Somewhat. However, the time has come, I think, for a stronger platform–especially in light of things like the lack of justice for Trayvon! So this is goodbye for now. It is the easiest goodbye I’ve ever said. Not because I don’t Love you. But because our time is nearly up.  When you know your time is up, you’ve got to make room for new things. And because I’ve given you guys so much of me–so much of us–that’s always here on these pages for you to access, it’s not really a goodbye at all. From first date to proposal, I leave you my Love legacy. So when you’re having a rough dating day and you just want to give up, remember me on your Black Love journeys. Remember that Black Love is better when it’s real. And it IS real. We are proof. Remember that good Black guys sometimes win. And they win big!! Remember that Black women can and DO marry and stay happily married–even in the midst of social networks, people living like they’re auditioning for reality TV shows, and booty calls that come way too easily. Remember that no labor of Love goes unrewarded. The universe is waiting to unfold all it’s greatness on you!

Stay tuned for my last few posts. Enjoy them as much as I have enjoyed writing them. Then, keep me in your heart as you guys are always in mine. Learning to Love like this has been my greatest accomplishment to date. And I hope I’ve inspired some of you to pursue that same path. Because Love never fails!

Sincerely yours,

The blogger formerly known as “Ms. Not-Right-Now” hehe

P.S. For my truest of fans, keep a lookout for my rebirth because there will be one. Suddenly, I have a new found understanding of why we all had to suffer through Puff Daddy becoming Puffy and then P. Diddy and then just Diddy. As I recreate myself and my brand, I will have to change names. Don’t worry though. Me and this writing thing, we go way back. And we ain’t done yet!

 

Saving Black Love: 8 Ways To A Better Us…Not You…US!

As always, Opinionated Male gives us a germane, well-thought out article. Enjoy!!!

THE OPINIONATED MALE

***Editors Confession: Okay, so this post isn’t limited to ‘Black love’ alone, as the advice here is colorless and pertains to relationships of all types. However, given the present state ‘Black love’ appears to be in, I thought it wouldn’t hurt for our folks to pay special attention to this post. Carry on***

Over the course of a lifetime people go through relationships like underwear, while others have one that lasts a lifetime. There are people who try to fix their romances by living in a therapists office, or going by what others think. There are even some who are just fine with pets as company. Well, I think people should simply use some common sense. Oh yeah, and  while you’re at it, read the following advice below.

1. Let go your sense of entitlement

I understand that people of a certain generation tend to be old-fashioned and have certain…

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‘When You Know, You Just Know’ & Other Love Lies

“I always imagined this magical moment where the world stops, jazz music plays in the background, and I lock eyes with a beautiful stranger whom, somehow, I’ve known my whole life”

I always imagined this magical moment where the world stops, jazz music plays in the background, and I lock  eyes with a beautiful stranger whom, somehow, I’ve known my whole life. Neither of us needs to exchange any real words. We already mutually understand–instinctively of course–that this is the last relationship we will ever have. He asks for my number and 3 months later we’re married with 2.5 kids. There aren’t any arguments on marriage timelines or how we want to raise our kids. There aren’t any doubts and questionable habits that make you wonder if God seriously intends for a person to mate with just one other human being for life. And there certainly aren’t any intermediary break-ups where both people questioned their rightness for one another. Because, as they say, “when you know, you just know”.

But the day I met Mr. Right-For-Now looked absolutely nothing like what “they say”.

 So I kept waiting for the magic “aha” moment when I would suddenly “just know”. It didn’t happen when he first professed his Love for me in a poem.It didn’t happen when I found myself crying gleefully in the shower, overwhelmed by my Love for him. It didn’t happen when he began to break down his emotional barriers just to be with me. It didn’t happen when I chose to put more trust and faith in him than I’ve put in anyone besides myself. It’s been exactly 2 years, 9 months, and 12 hours. And that moment has NEVER happened. I’ve never been completely-absolutely-without-a- shadow-of-a-doubt certain that Mr. Right-For-Now is the only soul on earth for me. So naturally, I began to think my uncertainty means he’s not the one. You know, like that awkward moment when you kiss the frog expecting a prince and he turns into a frog too?  I never got to the fairy-tale “when you know, you just know” moment like they said I would.

Then. Everything changed.

Recently, I had lunch with a married mentor of mine and he gave me the most practical bit of insider information. He said, and I’m paraphrasing, certainty is simply an emotion. Therefore, it changes with the wind. When something happens that we’re happy about, we’re sure that a person is for us. When things don’t go the way we thought they would go, then we start to doubt. He assured me that I would never be completely certain because knowing is just a feeling. Today, I may feel like Mr. Right-For-Now is the best decision I ever made. Other days, I might feel like I made a mistake. And that’s normal. But none of it truly matters because marriage requires you to Love another person in spite of how you may feel on a day-to-day basis.

I sat there, mouth agape staring into the distance. At first, I just sat there blankly. Then something snapped inside and I became ANGRY–bloodthirsty almost. Who the fuck came up with that bullshit “when you know, you just know” then, I wondered. I’d waited my whole romantic life for a certainty that would never come!!! I felt bamboozled like a little kid waiting up for Santa only to discover mommy and daddy putting toys under the tree, drinking the milk, and eating the goddamned cookies. I mean next you’ll be telling me a couple can’t really have 2.5 kids!!! This was BY FAR the biggest Love lie of them all since happily ever after. And suddenly I hated every Disney movie and romantic comedy I’d ever seen (except Crazy, Stupid, Love. Completely unhateable movie). Especially the ones where the girl or guy leaves their current girl or guy to be with some other girl or guy that they JUST KNEW they were supposed to be with instead (think Maid in Manhattan or The Princess and the Frog). LIES! LIES! LIES!

When the anger dissipated, I realized how blessed I was to come into this piece of wisdom. My mentor pointed out a most convenient truth to me. That as humans, we’re too fickle to really know anything. Even our facts are debatable and up to interpretation. Life, by definition, is too unpredictable to know. Mike Tyson once stated, “everyone has a plan ’til they get hit”. And suddenly all of my uncertainty made sense. I only felt unsure whenever he and I faced an issue that seemed unlikely to yield my desired outcome. Him and I, we aren’t perfect. We go THROUGH things. Yet Hollywood likes to paint this picture that Love is easy with the right person (another LIE). So why all this pressure on two romantic partners to know without a doubt that they’re meant to be together?

I decided after that lunch to take the unrealistic pressure off my boo and I. We don’t have to know. But  if you cannot know for certain, then what’s left? You can believe! And I believe, and have believed for a long time, that I am made for Mr. Right-For-Now. He believes he’s made for me. And that’s enough. In the end, I did have one of those Disney moments where I learned I already had what I’d been waiting for all along. Faith in Love is enough.

THE END.

Too Adorable Not to Share

We’ve all heard tales of the divine yet candid wisdom of children. A child’s mind knows enough about the world to have an opinion on it and remains pure enough that we can assume the absolute best of their intentions. So naturally, I laughed aloud when I stumbled on Chris Hughes’ “How Do You Decide Who to Marry”, from the mouths of babes. But it simultaneously provoked thought and held insight. Their truth is contagious. So without further adieu, enjoy!

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? (written by kids)

by Chris Hughes 

A group of young kids were asked how to decide who to marry and here are the results which are pretty amusing.

(1) You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
– Alan, age 10

(2) No person really decides before they grow up who they’re going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you’re stuck with.
– Kristen, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

(1) Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
– Camille, age 10

(2) No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married.
– Freddie, age 6 (very wise for his age)
HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

(1) You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
– Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

(1) Both don’t want any more kids.
– Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

(1) Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
– Lynnette, age 8 (isn’t she a treasure)

(2) On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that Usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
– Martin, age 10
WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?

(1) I’d run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
-Craig, age 9
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

(1) When they’re rich.
– Pam, age 7

(2) The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn’t want to mess with that.
– Curt, age 7

(3) The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It’s the right thing to do.
– Howard, age 8
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

(1) I don’t know which is better, but I’ll tell you one thing. I’m never going to have sex with my wife. I don’t want to be all grossed out.
– Theodore, age 8

(2) It’s better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
– Anita, age 9 (bless you child)
HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN’T GET MARRIED?

(1) There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn’t there?
– Kelvin, age 8

And the #1 Favorite is……..
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

(1) Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.
– Ricky, age 10

I Just Want to Be Your Lovergirl: 7 Reasons Why I Love My Relationship

I need your Love and I won’t bring no pain

A little birdie told me that you feel the same

I’m for the real, and for you, I’m true blue

Let’s make a deal, sugar, all I want to do

Is be your one and only lover

I just want to be your Lovergirl

I just want to rock your world

God put me on this Earth to rock some man’s world. Probably Mr. Right-For-Now’s. And you know what? I’m Loving every minute of it. Sure he gets on my nerves. Sometimes I feel bored and restless. I mess up. He messes up. We argue. But at the end of the day, there’s far more good than bad so I am PROUD of me and my baby. We’ve traveled a good distance since our start. And I couldn’t have handpicked a better partner to ease on down, ease on down the road with (IDK I guess I’m just in a music mood today. I’m writing this while watching VH1 Soul). Frankly, I Love us. And at the risk of sounding egotistical, conceited, or cheesy, I wanted to share some of the reasons why I Love us. BTW, I strongly urge you to read this post while listening to the embedded video at the bottom. This is a rock out for Love kind of post, if there’s any such thing!!!

(7) We Encourage One Another to Follow Our Dreams

For many of my acquaintances, achieving in your career and in your Love life at the same damn time is a balancing triumph worth adding to the act at UniverSOUL circus. Having both, like the Obamas, became an obscure almost unheard of thing to ooooh and ahhhhh at. And yet, Mr. Right-For-Now and I spend a lot of time making sure we don’t step on one another’s career toes. We check-in and communicate when one feels jealous of the other’s success (yes, it DOES happen). We ask for what we need from one another to get certain things done. Then, we take turns. Sometimes things are about him. Sometimes things are about me. No, neither of us are nearly as accomplished as we want to be yet. But we’ve gotten to the point where we rest assured each new grind works better for the pair. If I’m a bird, he’s a bird and if he flies, I fly.

(6) We’re Growing Up Together

As much of a grown ass woman I might have thought I was, there’s nothing like my baby’s Love to actually grow me up. It’s easy to say “I’m mature”, “I’m patient”, or “I’m faithful” when there’s no one around to press your buttons, no one you have to wait on, and nothing tempting you to cheat. My relationship is the proverbial check my mouth wrote that my ass now has to cash. Since the moment we met, we’ve been pulling each other’s cards. Mr. Right-For-Now always had this uncanny ability to see me. Some lessons you only learn from a Lover because he or she knows you like no one else will ever know you. And since we’re both young and malleable, we are SO willing to work on ourselves to satisfy the other’s needs.

(5) We Never Back Down from a Challenge

Since day one, Mr. Right-For-Now and I sensed that this relationship thing wouldn’t be easy. I mean our first couple of months–you know the months where everything is supposed to be crazy.stupid.love–we were long distance. Whomp whomp. Killjoy right? Actually wrong. Though incredibly arduous and emotionally draining, the distance gave us the space we needed to get other things sorted out in our lives outside of one another.  We learned resourcefulness, gratitude, and creativity. Going through that fortified us. So now when him and I face an ugly, undesirable challenge, we both pull out every weapon in our arsenal to get the job done. Kind of like Mr. & Mrs. Smith.

(4) We Communicate Well

Mr. Right-For-Now’s my best buddy and a great friend. I can call him up right now and say “okay I need you to hear me out as my friend, not my boyfriend” and he’ll try his damndest. Sometimes we just sit in the bed together saying the silliest things holding the weirdest conversations like two kids making up their own language. We understand one another. And even when we aren’t on the same page, we take the time to get back on the same page. With complete transparency and honesty, I feel like I can tell him absolutely anything. At this point, I think we have said pretty much EVERYTHING anyway–good, bad, and indifferent. Communicating is one key to Love we’ve already got on our keyring.

(3) We’re Self-Aware

We know what our problems are both individually and collectively. We have a running list (it’s actually not long) and prioritized the things on it. What needs to get done now? What can wait? What things can we live with? Some parts of our relationship, we run like you might run a healthy business. But that works for us. Neither of us are afraid to do what works for US whether that be reading books, going to therapy, conferencing with friends. It doesn’t matter. Even though it often looks different from what works for others or from what we see others doing, we know ourselves and we know our Love.

(2) We Make Intimacy Important

Let’s just say that if there’s a meeting in my bedroom, Mr. Right-For-Now is never late. And I probably don’t mean that how you’re thinking it. What I Love so much about our intimate life is how we committed to connecting with one another in every way that you can connect with another human being. Into-Me-See means everything from talking quietly in bed to catching one another’s eye at the family functions. It’s always like there’s some inside joke that only the two of us know about. It’s metaphysical foreplay that never ends. We passionately pursue sexual, spiritual, mental, and emotional oneness.

(1) We’re Not Perfect But We Are Though

I’m bitchy. He’s an asshole. I go to bed late. He wakes up early. I wear my heart on my sleeve. He keeps his tucked away. We’ve experienced and expressed the full gamut of negative human emotions–jealousy, mistrust, insecurity, arrogance… But we make it work. Two imperfect souls perfected through fearless Love. Nothing more and nothing less. What’s better than that? Nothing!

When it’s all said and done, I just want to be his Lovergirl. I just want to rock his world! Love you boo <3. And this songs for you.

Movie Review: Tyler Perry’s ‘Temptation’ Falls Titillatingly & Alarmingly Short

**This review contains revealing details from the movie “Temptation”. If you have not seen it, reading this post will feel a lot like when you go see something with a friend who’s already seen it and they keep telling you to “watch this!” Therefore, continue at your own risk.

There are a lot of things to hate about this movie and Tyler Perry’s now infamous creative style in general. The preachy church-people-are-good-everyone-else-is-a-demon rhetoric. The fact that I can pretty much rely on a “sexy” guy taking his shirt off at least once (whether it’s for our enjoyment or his, well that’s still up for debate). And the awkwardness of his continual overuse of close-up shots. Yet somehow, the trailers drew me in (mind you, I’ve been boycotting Tyler Perry films for the last 3 years). The thought of Jurnee Smollet-Bell caught in a love triangle seemed wickedly out of character for Perry. But it turns out the exact opposite is true. What I find most disturbing this time around with “Tyler Perry’s Temptation: Confessions of a Marriage Counselor” is how unsexy he makes a movie about sex. And how eagerly the black community accepts this depiction.

The movie starts out predictably though promisingly with a marriage counselor telling what sounds like a cautionary tale to a pre-adulterous wife. Then we’re swept into the endearing young Love of high school sweet hearts Judith and Brice (Jurnee Smollet-Bell and Lance Gross). But as the reality of delayed dreams and marital malcontent sink in, so do her spirits. Smollet-Bell plays a convincing awkward and “forgettable” 2o-something who knows very little about herself or her body–let alone what’s needed to keep a marriage together. So things quickly heat up when tech-savvy pseudo-playboy/knight in shining armor, Harley (Robbie Jones), capitalizes mostly on Judith’s sexual inexperience. Throw in some line from Harley about people “having sex like animals” (I was fanning myself), a classic sexual-tension filled elevator scene, an unwittingly neglectful husband, and you’ve got yourself the makings of a titillating affair!

Only, that is of course until Perry throws us an alarming curve ball. Judith and Harley end up alone on Harley’s private plane–a business trip serving as the perfect opportunity for him to make his move on a married woman. But Judith persistently pushes his advances away. She clearly says “no”. She clearly says “stop”. Harley forces himself on her a bit harder, however. So much so that Judith actually has to fight him off. To which Harley aggressively grips her up and sternly replies “Stop! Now you can say you resisted”. And then proceeds to have sex with her without her consent. I’m sorry, maybe I am crazy, but that is called rape where I’m from. And suddenly the tide’s low again if you know what I mean. There’s nothing sexy, steamy, or arousing about rape. Judith seems to agree with me and goes home crying and screaming at Harley to never call her again. Those are not the actions of a woman who willingly steps out on her husband to fulfill a sexual longing not met at home.

The movie never treats it like a rape though and soon Judith’s under Harley’s spell. It is not completely uncommon for a rape victim to fall in Love with her rapist. So I suppose this wasn’t completely far-fetched. However, Harley begins exhibiting even more abusive behaviors. He introduces her to hard drugs, separates her from the people who Love her, and whoops her ass. As if that wasn’t enough to punish the philandering harlot, we learn at the end of the movie that Harley gives Judith HIV. BUT Perry never portrays Judith as a victim. Even though Melinda (Brandy Norwood), Harley’s ex-girlfriend, plays the I’ve-had-a-hard-life-so-now-I-don’t-trust-anyone victim role so well Melinda’s boss mistakes her for a lesbian. Wait, what? So the girl who willingly got involved with Harley in college is a victim and we should feel sorry for her but the married woman who gets raped by him is a whore? So what’s the moral of the story here ladies? If you’re stupid enough to catch the attention of another man besides your lazy husband, Jesus will hate you, you will get raped, contract HIV, and die. Oh wait, no my bad. Melinda wasn’t a victim either. She deserved HIV because she didn’t protect herself when she knew Harley cheated on her. That’s right, I forgot. What was I thinking?

What started out as a seductive fantasy soon turned into a right-wing conservative sexual education lesson in a hick town with a ban on contraceptives. And I’m ashamed to admit this but most of the people in the theater, my people, seemed to like it. Maybe they were jut taking the film at face-value. That’s cool I guess. But when you’ve got the power to speak and a good portion of your community listens, you have a responsibility to watch what you say. I mean does Perry have any positive feelings about sex? From the messages in this film, it certainly doesn’t seem so. Good thing not all of us are so easily duped by a well-placed hallelujah. Uh uh. Try again Mr. Perry. Or better yet, do us all a favor, and don’t. Ever. Again.

“Does She Deserve A Ring?”

Who Is Passport Cutty?

Have you guys heard of the hoe coach? There’s a black woman going by that moniker who’s made quite a name for herself. She rules the twitterverse as @passport_cutty, hosts a radio show called The Naked Truth, and holds a series of pole parties in cities across the US that bring women together. She’s the epitome of the new black woman. And she’s not playing her hand like the black women of yesterday because she’s got a new set of rules. Though she’s highly controversial, there are many modern black women who think, feel, and play the game like she does. No, I don’t agree with everything she says but I do think she’s worth listening to. And for a woman with her world view, I think she has a lot of common sense. It’s my job to keep up with everything remotely related to black relationships so I follow her leisurely. If nothing else, her and her followers are quite entertaining. She wrote a particular piece on her blog though that I found especially insightful and thought provoking. Maybe you will enjoy it as much as I did.

Does She Deserve A Ring?

@Al_Patron asked a very GOOD question in a blog that we did together and it had me thinking so hard about a response. Especially because I hear it ALL the time and have even SAID it myself.

 

He asked “…can someone tell me what “she DESERVES a ring” means?”

 

Check out her radio show “The Naked Truth” online Tuesdays from 8pm-10pm

Now, I’m not going to tell you what it MEANS cuz dammit, I’m just figuring this out myself, but I’m going to provoke some thoughts for you…

 

Now maybe my point of view seems biased a lot of the time because I forget that there are people who read my work that aren’t plagued with the bullshit men and relationships that I know of all too well. So some people read my words and think “o_O where the hell does she get this stuff from?” But then I get a whole bunch of Rts and say “Whew, they feel me.” lol

SO, in almost every circumstance that I’ve heard “she deserves a ring” it was from someone referring to the amount of “torture”, disappointment”, “drama”, and just a whole bunch of “bullshit” that a woman had endured in the relationship with her man. And sometimes it was even the man himself saying “she deserves a ring”… My first thoughts are “yea, she deserves a ring” but “from HIM?”… Hell NO. Why would you “DESERVE” a ring from someone who was a BASTARD? I mean really! She “deserves” a ring because she tolerated him cheating numerous times? She “deserves” a ring because she took care of their children full time while he slacked? She “deserves” a ring because she still stayed with him after he had another child with someone else? She “deserves” a ring because he gave her an STD a time or two or five? She “deserves” a ring because of all the abortions or miscarriages she had from him? She “deserves” a ring because they’ve been together for “no reason” for forever already? She “deserves” a ring because she held him down while he was in and out of jail? She “deserves” a ring because she risked her freedom for him numerous times? She “deserves” a ring because she had to fight with so many other girls over him? She “deserves” a ring because she put her education and career to the side to support his? She “deserves” a ring because she forgave him all the times he hit her? She “deserves” a ring because she put up with all his baby mama drama? She “deserves” a ring because she wasted her “youth” dealing with his bullshit so now her “prime” is over and she feels like she has no choice but to stay with him now? So THIS is why she “DESERVES” a ring?

 

I could have SWORN that “deserve” means “to have earned right”…Oh yea it does, I just looked it up again cuz I was confused. So THIS is what you want the “rights” to? This is what you’re in competition to “win”??? Oh! And the crazy part about this is, I hear this “she deserves a ring” ALLLLL the time from people who’ve been involved in these exact scenarios. I don’t make this shit up. So if this is what you feel you DESERVE for the rest of your life, then shit, maybe your ass does. I don’t think anyone “deserves” a ring for all of those reasons. Females always seem so bent on “winning” that they don’t even realize what the actual “prize” is. Cuz I damn sure don’t want to “win” a man like that. Have I had men like that? Yes. But I KNEW not to marry them. And men always seem to pull the “ring” as a wild card right when she’s about to “leave.” Anything to shut her ass up and extent his ride or die bitch until next “Foreverary.” I’ve heard so many men say “She’s put up with so much of my shit. This is who I need to be with”… Uhm yea… she’s perfect for HIM but is he perfect for HER? Don’t Worry, I’ll Wait

 

But its really not these type of women that I feel deserve a ring at all… They deserve intervention and rehab. I’m going to tell you who I think really deserves the ring.

Passport Cutty gives her perspective on the rules to being a side chick with Hot 97

 

I think the females who invest in themselves in order to have something to offer a man who’s worth marrying “deserve” a ring. Not the women waiting around for a husband as a come up. The females who could care less about a pre-nup because she’s going to make sure they BOTH make money during their marriage “deserve” a ring. The females who make a statement by immediately removing herself from a disrespectful situation. She knows her worth and is not going to waste her time convincing herself that this is acceptable at all. The females who don’t think and act like she is entitled to anyone else’s benefits “deserves” a ring. The females who understand that NO one is obligated to her “deserves” a ring. Females who are appreciative and grateful “deserve” a ring. Females who acknowledge that if they can’t help with a solution then they may be part of the problem “deserve” a ring. The females who moderately stand by their partner yet who never give up on themselves “deserve” a ring. The females who prepare for the fact that all of this could go “poof” in the blink of eye but they have back up plans just in case it ever happens, “deserve” a ring. Even the females who don’t like to cook and don’t want to cook but knows that eating out every night is just unreasonable, “deserve” a ring. The females who understand their role in a man’s life and won’t try to play every position “deserve” a ring. The females who CAN and will carry a man if he falls and won’t hold it against him later or kick him while he’s down “deserve” a ring. And last but not least, the female who is genuinely optimistic about love and marriage as a team with no ulterior motives, hidden agendas, or dependency as an underlying theme, “deserve” a ring.

 

Make sure you read the Hoely Bible

Now of COURSE, there’s more to being a “wife” than all of these things. But in my opinion these are some of the most “important” the qualities of a woman who “DESERVES” a ring, beyond being able to cook, clean, wash clothes, take care of kids, and have disgustingly pleasurable sex. These are characteristics of women who have worked on themselves mentally, emotionally and financially enough to be able to “deserve” someone worth spending the rest of her life with. I personally feel that you can’t expect someone else to invest more in you than you are WILLING to invest in yourself. And half of the things that I mentions are FREE… Its about character and intention not only money.

So as for me… until I’m able to carry my family on my own if ever need be, I’m going to stay “single with a boyfriend” and kid less. 

Well said Cutty! Do you think it’s time we reevaluate our idea of deserving the ring both as men and women?

**All italicized texts gets credited to Aalex B. author of The Naked Truth blog and has simply been copy and pasted here for the enjoyment of my audience and readers.

“I’d Rather Be Played By A Bad Guy”

In the ongoing battle between thugs and nerds, it seems thugs win round 1. But who wins the overall fight?

Always on the dating discussion roundtable is a question near and dear to my heart. Why do good girls like bad guys/thugs/playas? Whatever the wording, the question asks why women with good heads on their shoulders choose men that’d rather toy with womens’ hearts than give anything that even somewhat resembles real commitment. Admittedly enough, I started this blog because I’d made a few poor dating choices myself. Mr. Lies-About-Everything-But-His-Name, Mr. Too-Cheap-To-Pay-Attention, and Mr. Please-Lock-Him-Under-The-Jail, just to name a few.  I meet a lot of different men–good men–that complain they were raised to treat women with care and respect but most of us going around here singing “I love my Mr. Wrong” like a hero anthem. And as I mentioned before, I’m not exempt. And from what I’ve seen over the years from sister friends and not so friendly sisters, many of you ladies aren’t either. Women settle for and settle down with men that aren’t any good leaving the Mr. Rights bitter, rejected, or friendzoned. And then we complain there aren’t any good men left. But why though? Mind boggling, right fellas? Well, like always, I have a theory! Check out the real reason why she passed you over for that smooth-talking athlete or the street-witted thug on a guest piece I wrote for The Sexy Single Mommy blog: I’d Rather Be Played By A Bad Guy.