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Just A Thought…”Why I Believe that Soul Mates Don’t Exist”


Why I Believe that Soul Mates Don't Exist | BlackandMarriedWithKids.com

Darius Lovehall: Romance is about the possibility of the thing. You see, it’s about the time between when you first meet the woman, and when you first make love to her; When you first ask a woman to marry you, and when she says I do. When people who been together a long time say that the romance is gone, what they’re really saying is they’ve exhausted the possibility.

If you’re anything like me at all, when you hear titles of articles like Aja Dorsey Jackson’s Why I Believe that Soul Mates Don’t Exist you instantly cringe. And yet upon clicking, and then reading, I found that I agree with most of what she’s saying. Jackson seeks to point out to people that there’s not a single individual on earth you will meet that instantly zaps the need to work at compatibility. And the idea that such a person even exists gnaws at the very root of relationships. Jackson gives a very real and pragmatic way to look at things. This blog also advocates heavily for practical and logical approaches to Love and dating. So I’m not mad at her for writing this.

At the same time though,  I don’t think the idea of having to put in work in a relationship and the idea of soul mates are mutually exclusive. Let’s think back to the first couple–no, not Obama and Michelle–but, Adam and Eve. God created Eve specifically as a helper to Adam by stealing his rib while he slept. The very word “woman”, in fact, means to come from man. Now this is no intentional disrespect to my same sex couples but the general theory is that subsequently God created every Eve with an Adam in mind. And he created Adam knowing Eve was coming. To me, the idea of soul mates refers to the creation of one soul with another soul in mind. And maybe some are actually blessed enough to meet that soul in their human life. I think it is possible. That possibility makes life and Love exciting and romantic. It keeps us motivated to go out there and suffer through the hardships of dating. You see, to quote the wise brother Darius from “Love Jones“, “Romance is about the possibility of the thing…when people who been together a long time say that the romance is gone, what they’re really saying is that they’ve exhausted the possibility”. Right now, I’m Living for the possibility that Mr. Right is the right one created by God with me in mind. And because I’ll never really know until I’m done with this life, that possibility can be endless if we want it to be and if we work for it to be. So let’s be smart about Love black folk–meaning we do the WORK involved in it to sustain it. But just because we’re working at it, let’s not exhaust the possibility of the thing.

The Last Letter from the Editor: And It All Leads Up to This…


IMG950508To My Beautiful, Glorious, Courageous, and Intuitive Readers:

You read the title correctly. This will be my last letter directly to you on this blog :(…I know some of you are thinking it’s been months since I wrote a real post anyways and now I’m writing to tell you I’m almost done writing. Tis true. And that’s partly because of the summer. Something about the summer makes it difficult for me to buckle down and write. But the other part of me was debating whether I would continue this blog at all. Or pass it along to someone else. Just when it was starting to get good, just when I was starting to see so much growth and improvement, just when I started to take this blogging thing more seriously–c’est la fin! Well, nearing the end. I think I’ve got about two more solid posts in me. But I guess that’s life. And I’m not mad about it. Because all this debacle has been for a great reason. I promise!!! You ready for this? Are you sitting down?

Last month, Mr. Right-For-Now proposed to me under a glorious sunset by the water. I said yes! I’ll never forget it was on the same day of the George Zimmerman verdict–simultaneously the most beautiful and ugliest day I’ve experienced to date. We were at a bar celebrating when we found out the news. Fortunately, it takes more than one asshole running free for murder to put a stop to life, to put a stop to PROGRESSION. So we are planning an elegant broom jumping ceremony in my favorite season–Fall of 2014. Which makes me his future Mrs. Right Forever. And as I’m fully enthralled in this new phase of Love–engagement–it seems the old persona is gone. The woman who started this blog 3 years ago in search of something real after finding so much rubbish has found solid gold. And I plan to cash in while I can!! Therefore, I must say farewell and THANK YOU to all the LOVELY people who made this incredible journey possible.  You laughed with me. You cussed him out with me. You made up with him with me. You grew with me. You bettered yourselves as I bettered myself. You challenged me. You encouraged me. For 3 years.

100MEDIA$IMAG0325Now I’m here in this wonderfully beautiful new place. I am fully present–watching and learning STILL as engagement brings new things to light. I remember asking one of my girlfriends if I should do something for Mr. Right-For-Now in return–as a gift or as some type of gratitude for the proposal. And she said ever-so-wisely to me “no. I think you’ve done enough!” And I just smiled to myself. Because I understood her so clearly. The man got down on one knee and told me he couldn’t think of anywhere else he’d rather be than with me for life. I had certainly done enough–at least for now. No more improvements. No more strategies. No more working night and day on being the best girlfriend/fiancée/future wife ever. For now, I’m just resting in my excitement for us! I’m resting in my contentment! And enjoying planning a wedding (AHHHHHH!). I thought about doing a new blog series for you guys on engagement–and maybe I will write a piece on it. But it’s such an intimate experience and much of this blog comes out of my willingness to fully disclose my shortcomings and championships as they happen. Now, I want to focus on living in each and every one of these moments with my future hubby–staying grounded, attentive, and in-tune with myself. This is the last year I have as a “single” woman and I’d like to have it to myself as selfish as that may sound. Hopefully, you understand where I’m coming from though. Because it feels good to say I have done enough.

Of course I still want to continue bettering myself and learning as much as I can about relationships. Someone once told me, “marriage is not the destination. It is a journey”, suggesting that many women get the ring and believe that is the ultimate validation. I do not want to imply that at all. I’m definitely not done progressing just because he proposed. But my mission has changed just a tad from when I started on here.

I believe that Black Love is the cure for many of our community’s afflictions. So I would Love to transition to a blog talking about Black marriage, Black families, and issues related to how my Black community can achieve more wholeness. I did that IMG950509 (1)here. Somewhat. However, the time has come, I think, for a stronger platform–especially in light of things like the lack of justice for Trayvon! So this is goodbye for now. It is the easiest goodbye I’ve ever said. Not because I don’t Love you. But because our time is nearly up.  When you know your time is up, you’ve got to make room for new things. And because I’ve given you guys so much of me–so much of us–that’s always here on these pages for you to access, it’s not really a goodbye at all. From first date to proposal, I leave you my Love legacy. So when you’re having a rough dating day and you just want to give up, remember me on your Black Love journeys. Remember that Black Love is better when it’s real. And it IS real. We are proof. Remember that good Black guys sometimes win. And they win big!! Remember that Black women can and DO marry and stay happily married–even in the midst of social networks, people living like they’re auditioning for reality TV shows, and booty calls that come way too easily. Remember that no labor of Love goes unrewarded. The universe is waiting to unfold all it’s greatness on you!

Stay tuned for my last few posts. Enjoy them as much as I have enjoyed writing them. Then, keep me in your heart as you guys are always in mine. Learning to Love like this has been my greatest accomplishment to date. And I hope I’ve inspired some of you to pursue that same path. Because Love never fails!

Sincerely yours,

The blogger formerly known as “Ms. Not-Right-Now” hehe

P.S. For my truest of fans, keep a lookout for my rebirth because there will be one. Suddenly, I have a new found understanding of why we all had to suffer through Puff Daddy becoming Puffy and then P. Diddy and then just Diddy. As I recreate myself and my brand, I will have to change names. Don’t worry though. Me and this writing thing, we go way back. And we ain’t done yet!

 

‘When You Know, You Just Know’ & Other Love Lies

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“I always imagined this magical moment where the world stops, jazz music plays in the background, and I lock eyes with a beautiful stranger whom, somehow, I’ve known my whole life”

I always imagined this magical moment where the world stops, jazz music plays in the background, and I lock  eyes with a beautiful stranger whom, somehow, I’ve known my whole life. Neither of us needs to exchange any real words. We already mutually understand–instinctively of course–that this is the last relationship we will ever have. He asks for my number and 3 months later we’re married with 2.5 kids. There aren’t any arguments on marriage timelines or how we want to raise our kids. There aren’t any doubts and questionable habits that make you wonder if God seriously intends for a person to mate with just one other human being for life. And there certainly aren’t any intermediary break-ups where both people questioned their rightness for one another. Because, as they say, “when you know, you just know”.

But the day I met Mr. Right-For-Now looked absolutely nothing like what “they say”.

Princess-And-The-Frog-movie-705124 So I kept waiting for the magic “aha” moment when I would suddenly “just know”. It didn’t happen when he first professed his Love for me in a poem.It didn’t happen when I found myself crying gleefully in the shower, overwhelmed by my Love for him. It didn’t happen when he began to break down his emotional barriers just to be with me. It didn’t happen when I chose to put more trust and faith in him than I’ve put in anyone besides myself. It’s been exactly 2 years, 9 months, and 12 hours. And that moment has NEVER happened. I’ve never been completely-absolutely-without-a- shadow-of-a-doubt certain that Mr. Right-For-Now is the only soul on earth for me. So naturally, I began to think my uncertainty means he’s not the one. You know, like that awkward moment when you kiss the frog expecting a prince and he turns into a frog too?  I never got to the fairy-tale “when you know, you just know” moment like they said I would.

Then. Everything changed.

Recently, I had lunch with a married mentor of mine and he gave me the most practical bit of insider information. He said, and I’m paraphrasing, certainty is simply an emotion. Therefore, it changes with the wind. When something happens that we’re happy about, we’re sure that a person is for us. When things don’t go the way we thought they would go, then we start to doubt. He assured me that I would never be completely certain because knowing is just a feeling. Today, I may feel like Mr. Right-For-Now is the best decision I ever made. Other days, I might feel like I made a mistake. And that’s normal. But none of it truly matters because marriage requires you to Love another person in spite of how you may feel on a day-to-day basis.

TianaI sat there, mouth agape staring into the distance. At first, I just sat there blankly. Then something snapped inside and I became ANGRY–bloodthirsty almost. Who the fuck came up with that bullshit “when you know, you just know” then, I wondered. I’d waited my whole romantic life for a certainty that would never come!!! I felt bamboozled like a little kid waiting up for Santa only to discover mommy and daddy putting toys under the tree, drinking the milk, and eating the goddamned cookies. I mean next you’ll be telling me a couple can’t really have 2.5 kids!!! This was BY FAR the biggest Love lie of them all since happily ever after. And suddenly I hated every Disney movie and romantic comedy I’d ever seen (except Crazy, Stupid, Love. Completely unhateable movie). Especially the ones where the girl or guy leaves their current girl or guy to be with some other girl or guy that they JUST KNEW they were supposed to be with instead (think Maid in Manhattan or The Princess and the Frog). LIES! LIES! LIES!

When the anger dissipated, I realized how blessed I was to come into this piece of wisdom. My mentor pointed out a most convenient Frogandfrogtiananaveentruth to me. That as humans, we’re too fickle to really know anything. Even our facts are debatable and up to interpretation. Life, by definition, is too unpredictable to know. Mike Tyson once stated, “everyone has a plan ’til they get hit”. And suddenly all of my uncertainty made sense. I only felt unsure whenever he and I faced an issue that seemed unlikely to yield my desired outcome. Him and I, we aren’t perfect. We go THROUGH things. Yet Hollywood likes to paint this picture that Love is easy with the right person (another LIE). So why all this pressure on two romantic partners to know without a doubt that they’re meant to be together?

I decided after that lunch to take the unrealistic pressure off my boo and I. We don’t have to know. But  if you cannot know for certain, then what’s left? You can believe! And I believe, and have believed for a long time, that I am made for Mr. Right-For-Now. He believes he’s made for me. And that’s enough. In the end, I did have one of those Disney moments where I learned I already had what I’d been waiting for all along. Faith in Love is enough.

THE END.

Too Adorable Not to Share

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black_childrenWe’ve all heard tales of the divine yet candid wisdom of children. A child’s mind knows enough about the world to have an opinion on it and remains pure enough that we can assume the absolute best of their intentions. So naturally, I laughed aloud when I stumbled on Chris Hughes’ “How Do You Decide Who to Marry”, from the mouths of babes. But it simultaneously provoked thought and held insight. Their truth is contagious. So without further adieu, enjoy!

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? (written by kids)

by Chris Hughes 

A group of young kids were asked how to decide who to marry and here are the results which are pretty amusing.

(1) You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
– Alan, age 10

(2) No person really decides before they grow up who they’re going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you’re stuck with.
– Kristen, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

(1) Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
– Camille, age 10

(2) No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married.
– Freddie, age 6 (very wise for his age)
Kids-Say-the-Darndest-Things-Cosby-Bill-9780553581263HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

(1) You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
– Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

(1) Both don’t want any more kids.
– Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

(1) Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
– Lynnette, age 8 (isn’t she a treasure)

(2) On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that Usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
– Martin, age 10
WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?

(1) I’d run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead Brothers Arm in Armcolumns.
-Craig, age 9
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

(1) When they’re rich.
– Pam, age 7

(2) The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn’t want to mess with that.
– Curt, age 7

(3) The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It’s the right thing to do.
– Howard, age 8
little-black-childIS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

(1) I don’t know which is better, but I’ll tell you one thing. I’m never going to have sex with my wife. I don’t want to be all grossed out.
– Theodore, age 8

(2) It’s better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
– Anita, age 9 (bless you child)
HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN’T GET MARRIED?

(1) There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn’t there?
– Kelvin, age 8

And the #1 Favorite is……..
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

(1) Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.
– Ricky, age 10

What About Your Friends?

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Queenie K is new to the revolutionary concept of Love. As she grows and matures in the revolution, she looks to strengthen and refine her expressions, acceptance, and demands of Love. She hopes to apply the Love lessons learned not just to her dating habits but also to her interactions with family and friends in hopes of starting a cycle of healthy relationships for herself and those around her. Follow her on twitter @CocoaQueenK

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tlc-what_about_your_friends(1)“So, she told you about what happened.”

Those were the words said, in the drunk and teasing voice of one my close girl friends, to my boyfriend.  Those were the words that pretty much ended his birthday kickback.  My friend didn’t realize the effect her words had.  When she noticed he wasn’t amused, she apologized and walked back into the kitchen with everyone else.

I, however, stayed in the living room to try to sort things out with him.

She didn’t need to explain the “what”.  Him and I had already discussed it before.  My past.  An evening with another guy. At another kickback she had attended with me.  Over a year ago.  And yet, to my boyfriend it could have been yesterday.

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In the sitcom Martin, the young couple was able to pull their friends together despite the bickering between Martin and Pam.

I had laid my past out on the table to him once we became serious.  Laid it out in preparation for situations just like this one.  I would never want to find out something about him from someone else.  So, I provided him the same courtesy, offering up a brief account of my encounters. Except, he couldn’t seem to get over it.  And it didn’t help that my friends, after a few too many drinks, loved to reminiscence.  It also didn’t help that my boyfriend and I had already argued two other times in the week and were beginning to reach a consensus that we didn’t care much for each others’ friends. The words of the current argument, which began with him demanding to know why my friend would ever bring something like that up to him but especially tonight, spiraled into an alcohol-induced turbulent funnel.  At the eye of the storm was one recurrent theme: Our Friends.

For him, my friends were my past personified.  For me, his were often too uncouth.  At times, our friends seemed to be on two extremes on a scale of Ratchet–with the two of us meeting each other in the middle.

The party ended early, with each of us retreating to our own spaces.  It was the first time that we didn’t make up before going to bed.

How important is the relationship between your friends and your significant other?  Pam and Martin never got along and yet, they were both still there for Gina.  But, of course, that’s scripted.  How likely is that in the real world?

She’s Cool But…I’d Be Settling

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Asking someone to consider if their significant other is “Mr(s) Right-For-Now” can be taken offensively, but the question warrants serious reflection.

There I sat–happy, anxious, and shocked all at the same time.  In the driver seat to my left was my homeboy who I grew up with.

“You’re a GROWN ASS MAN now,” I joked. “You got the family-sized SUV, good-paying job, apartment with your girlfriend and a dog!  What’s next?”

He laughed, took a deep breath and said, “Honestly man, I’m saving up for a ring.”

Oh. F#ck No!

I would say I was surprised, but not really.  Since high school we all knew what Tyson needed in his life to be content.  Good food, good movies, relaxation and a few other adult requests I’d rather not mention.  Anyway, it was a short list.  And after my first visit to his new place and kickin’ it with him and his girlfriend, I can honestly say that Brotha is H-A-P-P-Y.

Naturally, I had to ask an important question (stolen from the movie, I Love You, Man), “So, is she the one, or just the next one?”  Asking someone to consider if their significant other is “Mr(s) Right-For-Now” can be taken offensively, but the question warrants serious reflection.

“She’s the one bro.  We have a great time together, our families like each other and she treats me right.  I’m good.” His voice carried an air of confidence. It was a wholesome “good.

Though he is the first of my tight friends to be that close to considering marriage, I must admit, it is kind of unsettling to know that we are at the age where weddings are no longer unrealistic.  In my daily conversations, I realize that plenty of people aren’t into “playing games” anymore.  They want serious relationships.  Understandable.  I agree.  I agree agree…

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I mean, what if I wake up next to her and think, “ehhh…she’s aiiiiiiiiiight?”

But how do I know if the girl I’m dating is right?  How do I know that I will be satisfied? How do I know that I’m not settling?  Help me understand!

Scenario #1

She would be a great wife…to someone else. I’m just not physically attracted to her, enough.  I mean, what if I wake up next to her and think, “ehhh…she’s aiiiiiiiiiight?” Am I Shallow Hal? What would I think if she felt that way about me?!?! I’d think she needs an eye exam! Our chemistry can be good, but to sustain a healthy relationship there needs to be a certain level of physical attraction. How do I know where the limit is in the looks department?

Scenario #2

She doesn’t motivate me to grow.  She’s happy to have me just the way I am.  Sounds nice, but I want a woman who inspires me to be a better man for her.  A King for his Queen. If she doesn’t expect more from me, will she ever get more from me?  A good friend once told me, “What you put up with, you end up with.”  Am I settling by dating a woman whom I know does not command my full potential?

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You got how many bodies?

Scenario #3

Her past is questionable.  We’ve all done things we don’t want to admit.  Well, she admitted it, and now, I can’t take it!  For us men, this could be a number of things, i.e: “You got how many bodies!?!?!”  or “You did that to your ‘best friend’?” or “Are you like that every time you get drunk?”  Yes, people can change, but their history of behavior can give some insight into their decision-making ability.  Let’s face it, if they cheated in all of their previous relationships, what makes you so sure it won’t happen to you? What does their record tell you?  Am I settling by moving forward even though her past has me skeptical?

Conclusion:

As always, you have to know what you like.  This comes from experiencing life by yourself and with different people.  Honest self-reflection is key.  Take time to understand what you like, don’t like, and why.  The more you study, the more ready you will be when Mr(s) Right does come along.  I’m still exploring.  But the more I look into the people around me, and not just at them, the more I understand who I need in my life to keep me H-A-P-P-Y.

“I’d Rather Be Played By A Bad Guy”

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In the ongoing battle between thugs and nerds, it seems thugs win round 1. But who wins the overall fight?

In the ongoing battle between thugs and nerds, it seems thugs win round 1. But who wins the overall fight?

Always on the dating discussion roundtable is a question near and dear to my heart. Why do good girls like bad guys/thugs/playas? Whatever the wording, the question asks why women with good heads on their shoulders choose men that’d rather toy with womens’ hearts than give anything that even somewhat resembles real commitment. Admittedly enough, I started this blog because I’d made a few poor dating choices myself. Mr. Lies-About-Everything-But-His-Name, Mr. Too-Cheap-To-Pay-Attention, and Mr. Please-Lock-Him-Under-The-Jail, just to name a few.  I meet a lot of different men–good men–that complain they were raised to treat women with care and respect but most of us going around here singing “I love my Mr. Wrong” like a hero anthem. And as I mentioned before, I’m not exempt. And from what I’ve seen over the years from sister friends and not so friendly sisters, many of you ladies aren’t either. Women settle for and settle down with men that aren’t any good leaving the Mr. Rights bitter, rejected, or friendzoned. And then we complain there aren’t any good men left. But why though? Mind boggling, right fellas? Well, like always, I have a theory! Check out the real reason why she passed you over for that smooth-talking athlete or the street-witted thug on a guest piece I wrote for The Sexy Single Mommy blog: I’d Rather Be Played By A Bad Guy.

I Have A Confession to Make…

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I don’t usually do this. But tonight I am writing a post to help me release some inner turmoil related to a seldom talked about but often felt human emotion that I’m currently experiencing. So here goes the confession…

You see, I can be a VERY  jealous and envious person. And not necessarily in that traditional don’t-you-dare-look-in-my-boyfriend’s-direction way. Ironically enough, that kind of thing doesn’t bother me. No. I mean something more like assuming that everyone is happy but me, wondering what those happy people have that I don’t, putting myself down for not having said “thing”, and then longing for this mysterious x-factor that would supposedly make my life better.  When I was younger, I would go as far as looking at Facebook pictures of women that looked happy and wish I had whatever it is they had that made them so happy. Only I never found out what that was because I based my assumptions off faulty premises. I saw pretty, smiling faces and assumed happiness. But when it came to my life–which I knew in far more detail–I only saw the lack and I only felt the constant longing. As you can guess, I carried this trait into all of my past relationships and even, unfortunately, into the current one. Sometimes, the constant longing proved a good thing. It propelled me endlessly toward solutions when we had problems. It helped me accept and receive feedback and criticism so that I could become a better partner.  Finally, it encouraged me to speak up for myself and challenge the men in my life to meet my needs. But other times, envy made it harder to wait and to trust and to feel content where I am. Tonight certainly seemed more like the latter. I watched two people I don’t particularly care for do something that I’ve always wanted to do. And I became so suddenly unhappy with my situation. Why did they get to do this? And why did I have to witness it? Why wasn’t it me up there? The negativity multiplied and spread through my body like a sickness. Jealousy must INDEED be a disease because I caught a bad case of it. Despite the fact that Mr. Right-For-Now works overtime to ensure that I enjoy my relationship life and that I have no reason to envy anyone else’s, somehow I always find myself longing. I am not proud of my response. This isn’t me bragging. This is me feeling weak, sick, and ashamed. Even though I appreciate everything Mr. Right-For-Now does, I still felt the poisonous sting of jealousy because someone else got something I wanted. I still feel it now as I write these words. Envy is my vice and it has been for a long time. And I don’t have a list of thought-out solutions, clever fixes, or innovative suggestions for myself or for anyone experiencing this. After all, I don’t really think you can avoid feeling jealous.  But I will use this experience as information and an opportunity to grow. God revealed me to me tonight. I learned that no matter how much I may have grown to Love myself, grown to trust my partner, and grown happy in my relationship, someone else’s life and relationship can still influence me. So now I know what I need to work on to mature.

Thank you for letting me share! I feel oodles better just admitting this. You know what they say, “the first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem.” In that same respect, the first step to expelling envious emotions is expressing them. I hope to write again soon with news of my progress. Goodnight Loves.

The Deconstruction of the “Basic Bitch”


Of course, you always have the right to remain basic

Of course, you always have the right to remain basic

The derogatory insult I hear thrown so fervently around by people my age these days–everywhere from the Twitterverse to church parking lots–is the accusation that a particular woman is a “basic bitch”. Made popular by comedian Lil’ Duval and YouTube phenom turned actor SpokenReasons, a “basic bitch” indulges in various forms of inappropriate and immature behavior. These immature and inappropriate actions are always determined by the party doing the insulting and change with the perspective of that specific insulter. For example, one person may find you “basic” for donning a brightly colored hair weave. While another person thinks women who wear any type of head scarf out in public are “basic”. However, according to urbandictionary.com, the general consensus seems to describe “a bum ass woman who think she the shit but really ain’t” or my favorite “just an extra regular female”. It exists as the polar opposite of the “bad bitch”. Though I do not condone using the word “bitch” to either uplift or degrade women, I do like the idea of a “basic” class of earth dwellers identified by their extraordinary ability to be ordinary instead of exceptional. “Basic” works just like when you go to the gas station and ask for “regular”. It’s the standard package without any upgrades like when you want a Lexus but you don’t really have Lexus money so you get the most basic Lexus you can afford. No extras. No add-ons. No substitutes. Just the standard. You didn’t mature or grow up. You didn’t get better with time. You just stayed “basic”. So for the sake of this post, “basic” is an uncanny ability to aspire to mediocrity. Though we’re all born special, somewhere along the way many of us–myself included–become “basic”. I think it starts around puberty. And ends when you want it to. As adolescents and young adults struggle to find acceptance and their own minds, they pick up many “basic” philosophies from the people around them as well as media influences like movies and music. This is how you learned to navigate and survive your world. But as you age, you cannot bring those “basic” attitudes and behaviors with you as life gets more complicated. If you do, those things will weigh you down and keep you from ever reaching a deeply loving relationship and marriage destination. Therefore, I present to you a few “basic” ideologies I learned somewhere along the road and had to shed in order to keep traveling this journey with finesse and grace. Maybe you’ll be encouraged to leave your own “basic” baggage on the side of the road.

“Basic” Behaviors & Attitudes I No Longer Subscribe To:

1. “I need a hood nigga to handle me”

The idea that a hood nigga can offer the most stable and enriching environment to raise a family is a ludicrous one. Though I can see how women get things confused. Thugs have many of the qualities a woman looks for in her man. They protect and provide for their families. They take charge of situations. And they certainly don’t let a woman walk all over them. Women are often attracted to their strong leadership. Personally, I just thought good boys were all boring and life would be a much more thrilling ride with Mr. Wrong. But having a man that makes his money illegitimately, whatever the hustle, brings a host of other things with it from jail time to jealousy. Those things usually get in the way of creating anything real. long-lasting, or stable. And having a man that makes his money legitimately but operates like a crook and a thief has its pitfalls as well. So be careful who you’re allowing to handle you. Make sure he/she undergoes a thorough moral background check.

Apparently you can boast your basic status to the world for $29.99

Apparently you can boast your basic status to the world for $29.99

2. “Money over bitches” or “Don’t chase hoes, chase money”

Admittedly, I’ve never believed this myself. But there are so many adult men who still walk around saying this, I feel the need to discuss it. This is a “basic”, childish idea on two totally different levels. Of course economic development and independence are important–absolutely no argument there. However, to live a balanced life, you should chase your dreams and pursue healthy relationships. The pursuit of money will leave you without any real wealth. For example, if you simply get up every morning and grind it out at work, you’ll get a check and you’ll make money. Unfortunately, you will have to maintain that pattern to get the money. So God forbid you lose that job or you lose the ability to get up and go to work, then where are you financially? If you’re going to explore anything, explore how to create wealth–the type of money you don’t have to grind it out every day to get. And on the other end of this, refusing to chase after women will leave you lonely. Do you need to chase down every skirt that walks past you? Hardly. But the good ones are certainly worth chasing and their worth and value in a man’s life far exceed that of money! A good woman can make you smile even when you’re penniless. And you can’t put a price on that. The key is determining which ones are worth your time and attention and which ones are not.

3. “I can save him/her”

Whatever the ailment, whatever the predicament, saving someone does not create a Loving union. I always envisioned the biblical Eve being a helpmate for Adam and so as a woman like her, I believed that my role. To help men. So I always dated men that were below me in a sense and would spend a lot of time and energy trying to pull them up to my level. I would imagine myself bringing him to have a closer relationship with God, or getting out of the drug dealing life because of me, or suddenly stopping his lying and dogging ways and committing to me. But I always saw more for those guys than they ever saw for themselves. And in the end, they always backed away–feeling they could not live up to my expectations. It is not necessarily “basic” to think you can change someone. People definitely change due to the influence of others. The basicness comes from offering your assistance to those who did not ask for it and do not want it. You can only change a person that already wants to change for his or her self.

4. “If I’m going to have sex with him (or mess with him), let me at least get something out of it”

Ahhh. This reigned as my motto for most of college. I thought myself somewhat better than most women because I wouldn’t just lay on my back for no reason at all. I didn’t believe in giving up something for nothing. So I would get expensive dates, money, clothes, groceries, whatever I may have needed. I didn’t consider myself a gold digger because I never sought out men with big bucks. And I didn’t see myself as a whore because I wasn’t taking money in direct exchange for sex. It didn’t even always escalate to sex. I would make men “pay” for my time. But at the end of the day, I sold myself tremendously short because I put price tags on my most valuable assets. I used material goods to justify messing with men I should’ve left alone. Some women make themselves worth vacations in the Bahamas while others rather get their rent money. Either way, you’re worth far more than any of that. You’re worth real Love. Now I’m not saying don’t let a man dote on you. I think a man you’re dating seriously absolutely SHOULD dote on you. But I’m talking about messing with men solely because of what they can do for you and contribute. That’s not fair to yourself or to him.

5. “Never let ’em know that you care”

If you still don't know what a "basic bitch" is, put the term in the search box of youtube and view away.

If you still don’t know what a “basic bitch” is, put the term in the search box of youtube and view away.

Mostly, when I said I did not care about someone or something, I meant it. But what gets confusing is when you finally DO care because you still end up acting and behaving as if you do not. I went many years not really caring or at least thinking I did not care, and then one day I did care. For whatever reason though, I thought caring was a weakness. It seemed like if he knew how much I really cared, I would lose my power in that relationship. So I did not express that care directly. And that relationship didn’t work out for me in the end. The second time the care bear attacked, I decided to try a different approach. I cared, knew that I cared, acknowledged that I cared, and expressed that care. I learned quickly that vulnerability is much harder and shows much more strength than not caring. True relationship power comes from vulnerability. Pride will make sure you end up alone. Everyone’s pretending like they don’t care. But they’re just pretending. Or they’re stuck in a numb place. There is nothing extraordinary about that. Dare to care. Because someone has to.

6. “If he can do it to me, I can do it to him”

This was a toughie for me to let go because I’m a pretty spiteful and vindictive person. I remember a long time ago my grandmother told me I’d “cut off my nose to spite my face”. And I didn’t get it then. But I soon learned. I based many of my actions off what the other person did to me or what men had done to me in general. So if he cheated, I cheated. If he juggled his women, I’d juggle my men. If he cursed me out, I’m cursing back. I always felt some type of entitlement to hurt a person back when they hurt me. And even if I didn’t do the exact same thing as you, I’d find a way to wreak vengeance. But basing your actions and reactions off of another person’s may be the most “basic” thing of all. On judgement day, I’m going to have to answer for myself. And I don’t think “see what had happened was, he started it” is going to fly with any deity. Really, I had to learn that I just wanted people to acknowledge and understand my pain. After a person does that and even if they don’t, the best thing to do is let it go. Karma usually makes a better teacher than you or I anyways.

In what ways are you still operating basically in your relationships? Do you think it’s about time that you self-upgraded? Share your thoughts!

Oh and enjoy this video from SpokenReasons.

“Life Lessons Learned from Pussies”

“Life Lessons Learned from Pussies”

Hey Loves. I am featured on another relationship blog this month! A friend of mine is the editor of the Sexy Single Mommy, a sassy relationship blog with an in-your-face flair for the real. And you know how the saying goes, “real recognize real”. So, I’ve just been kind of a passerby fan for a while. But I finally decided to try my hand and submitted a piece. Hopefully, this will be the beginning of a successful guest contribution relationship. 🙂 Check out the piece here: Life Lessons Learned from Pussies. Until next time my Loves!

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