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Just A Thought…”Why I Believe that Soul Mates Don’t Exist”


Why I Believe that Soul Mates Don't Exist | BlackandMarriedWithKids.com

Darius Lovehall: Romance is about the possibility of the thing. You see, it’s about the time between when you first meet the woman, and when you first make love to her; When you first ask a woman to marry you, and when she says I do. When people who been together a long time say that the romance is gone, what they’re really saying is they’ve exhausted the possibility.

If you’re anything like me at all, when you hear titles of articles like Aja Dorsey Jackson’s Why I Believe that Soul Mates Don’t Exist you instantly cringe. And yet upon clicking, and then reading, I found that I agree with most of what she’s saying. Jackson seeks to point out to people that there’s not a single individual on earth you will meet that instantly zaps the need to work at compatibility. And the idea that such a person even exists gnaws at the very root of relationships. Jackson gives a very real and pragmatic way to look at things. This blog also advocates heavily for practical and logical approaches to Love and dating. So I’m not mad at her for writing this.

At the same time though,  I don’t think the idea of having to put in work in a relationship and the idea of soul mates are mutually exclusive. Let’s think back to the first couple–no, not Obama and Michelle–but, Adam and Eve. God created Eve specifically as a helper to Adam by stealing his rib while he slept. The very word “woman”, in fact, means to come from man. Now this is no intentional disrespect to my same sex couples but the general theory is that subsequently God created every Eve with an Adam in mind. And he created Adam knowing Eve was coming. To me, the idea of soul mates refers to the creation of one soul with another soul in mind. And maybe some are actually blessed enough to meet that soul in their human life. I think it is possible. That possibility makes life and Love exciting and romantic. It keeps us motivated to go out there and suffer through the hardships of dating. You see, to quote the wise brother Darius from “Love Jones“, “Romance is about the possibility of the thing…when people who been together a long time say that the romance is gone, what they’re really saying is that they’ve exhausted the possibility”. Right now, I’m Living for the possibility that Mr. Right is the right one created by God with me in mind. And because I’ll never really know until I’m done with this life, that possibility can be endless if we want it to be and if we work for it to be. So let’s be smart about Love black folk–meaning we do the WORK involved in it to sustain it. But just because we’re working at it, let’s not exhaust the possibility of the thing.

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What About Your Friends?

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Queenie K is new to the revolutionary concept of Love. As she grows and matures in the revolution, she looks to strengthen and refine her expressions, acceptance, and demands of Love. She hopes to apply the Love lessons learned not just to her dating habits but also to her interactions with family and friends in hopes of starting a cycle of healthy relationships for herself and those around her. Follow her on twitter @CocoaQueenK

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tlc-what_about_your_friends(1)“So, she told you about what happened.”

Those were the words said, in the drunk and teasing voice of one my close girl friends, to my boyfriend.  Those were the words that pretty much ended his birthday kickback.  My friend didn’t realize the effect her words had.  When she noticed he wasn’t amused, she apologized and walked back into the kitchen with everyone else.

I, however, stayed in the living room to try to sort things out with him.

She didn’t need to explain the “what”.  Him and I had already discussed it before.  My past.  An evening with another guy. At another kickback she had attended with me.  Over a year ago.  And yet, to my boyfriend it could have been yesterday.

martin_tv_show_20_years

In the sitcom Martin, the young couple was able to pull their friends together despite the bickering between Martin and Pam.

I had laid my past out on the table to him once we became serious.  Laid it out in preparation for situations just like this one.  I would never want to find out something about him from someone else.  So, I provided him the same courtesy, offering up a brief account of my encounters. Except, he couldn’t seem to get over it.  And it didn’t help that my friends, after a few too many drinks, loved to reminiscence.  It also didn’t help that my boyfriend and I had already argued two other times in the week and were beginning to reach a consensus that we didn’t care much for each others’ friends. The words of the current argument, which began with him demanding to know why my friend would ever bring something like that up to him but especially tonight, spiraled into an alcohol-induced turbulent funnel.  At the eye of the storm was one recurrent theme: Our Friends.

For him, my friends were my past personified.  For me, his were often too uncouth.  At times, our friends seemed to be on two extremes on a scale of Ratchet–with the two of us meeting each other in the middle.

The party ended early, with each of us retreating to our own spaces.  It was the first time that we didn’t make up before going to bed.

How important is the relationship between your friends and your significant other?  Pam and Martin never got along and yet, they were both still there for Gina.  But, of course, that’s scripted.  How likely is that in the real world?

“Does She Deserve A Ring?”


Who Is Passport Cutty?

Who Is Passport Cutty?

Have you guys heard of the hoe coach? There’s a black woman going by that moniker who’s made quite a name for herself. She rules the twitterverse as @passport_cutty, hosts a radio show called The Naked Truth, and holds a series of pole parties in cities across the US that bring women together. She’s the epitome of the new black woman. And she’s not playing her hand like the black women of yesterday because she’s got a new set of rules. Though she’s highly controversial, there are many modern black women who think, feel, and play the game like she does. No, I don’t agree with everything she says but I do think she’s worth listening to. And for a woman with her world view, I think she has a lot of common sense. It’s my job to keep up with everything remotely related to black relationships so I follow her leisurely. If nothing else, her and her followers are quite entertaining. She wrote a particular piece on her blog though that I found especially insightful and thought provoking. Maybe you will enjoy it as much as I did.

Does She Deserve A Ring?
@Al_Patron asked a very GOOD question in a blog that we did together and it had me thinking so hard about a response. Especially because I hear it ALL the time and have even SAID it myself.
 
He asked “…can someone tell me what “she DESERVES a ring” means?”
 
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Check out her radio show “The Naked Truth” online Tuesdays from 8pm-10pm

Now, I’m not going to tell you what it MEANS cuz dammit, I’m just figuring this out myself, but I’m going to provoke some thoughts for you…
 
Now maybe my point of view seems biased a lot of the time because I forget that there are people who read my work that aren’t plagued with the bullshit men and relationships that I know of all too well. So some people read my words and think “o_O where the hell does she get this stuff from?” But then I get a whole bunch of Rts and say “Whew, they feel me.” lol
SO, in almost every circumstance that I’ve heard “she deserves a ring” it was from someone referring to the amount of “torture”, disappointment”, “drama”, and just a whole bunch of “bullshit” that a woman had endured in the relationship with her man. And sometimes it was even the man himself saying “she deserves a ring”… My first thoughts are “yea, she deserves a ring” but “from HIM?”… Hell NO. Why would you “DESERVE” a ring from someone who was a BASTARD? I mean really! O_o She “deserves” a ring because she tolerated him cheating numerous times? She “deserves” a ring because she took care of their children full time while he slacked? She “deserves” a ring because she still stayed with him after he had another child with someone else? She “deserves” a ring because he gave her an STD a time or two or five? She “deserves” a ring because of all the abortions or miscarriages she had from him? She “deserves” a ring because they’ve been together for “no reason” for forever already? She “deserves” a ring because she held him down while he was in and out of jail? She “deserves” a ring because she risked her freedom for him numerous times? She “deserves” a ring because she had to fight with so many other girls over him? She “deserves” a ring because she put her education and career to the side to support his? She “deserves” a ring because she forgave him all the times he hit her? She “deserves” a ring because she put up with all his baby mama drama? She “deserves” a ring because she wasted her “youth” dealing with his bullshit so now her “prime” is over and she feels like she has no choice but to stay with him now? So THIS is why she “DESERVES” a ring?
 
I could have SWORN that “deserve” means “to have earned right”…Oh yea it does, I just looked it up again cuz I was confused. So THIS is what you want the “rights” to? This is what you’re in competition to “win”??? Oh! And the crazy part about this is, I hear this “she deserves a ring” ALLLLL the time from people who’ve been involved in these exact scenarios. I don’t make this shit up. So if this is what you feel you DESERVE for the rest of your life, then shit, maybe your ass does. I don’t think anyone “deserves” a ring for all of those reasons. Females always seem so bent on “winning” that they don’t even realize what the actual “prize” is. Cuz I damn sure don’t want to “win” a man like that. Have I had men like that? Yes. But I KNEW not to marry them. And men always seem to pull the “ring” as a wild card right when she’s about to “leave.” Anything to shut her ass up and extent his ride or die bitch until next “Foreverary.” I’ve heard so many men say “She’s put up with so much of my shit. This is who I need to be with”… Uhm yea… she’s perfect for HIM but is he perfect for HER? Don’t Worry, I’ll Wait
 

But its really not these type of women that I feel deserve a ring at all… They deserve intervention and rehab. I’m going to tell you who I think really deserves the ring.

Passport Cutty gives her perspective on the rules to being a side chick

Passport Cutty gives her perspective on the rules to being a side chick with Hot 97

 
I think the females who invest in themselves in order to have something to offer a man who’s worth marrying “deserve” a ring. Not the women waiting around for a husband as a come up. The females who could care less about a pre-nup because she’s going to make sure they BOTH make money during their marriage “deserve” a ring. The females who make a statement by immediately removing herself from a disrespectful situation. She knows her worth and is not going to waste her time convincing herself that this is acceptable at all. The females who don’t think and act like she is entitled to anyone else’s benefits “deserves” a ring. The females who understand that NO one is obligated to her “deserves” a ring. Females who are appreciative and grateful “deserve” a ring. Females who acknowledge that if they can’t help with a solution then they may be part of the problem “deserve” a ring. The females who moderately stand by their partner yet who never give up on themselves “deserve” a ring. The females who prepare for the fact that all of this could go “poof” in the blink of eye but they have back up plans just in case it ever happens, “deserve” a ring. Even the females who don’t like to cook and don’t want to cook but knows that eating out every night is just unreasonable, “deserve” a ring. The females who understand their role in a man’s life and won’t try to play every position “deserve” a ring. The females who CAN and will carry a man if he falls and won’t hold it against him later or kick him while he’s down “deserve” a ring. And last but not least, the female who is genuinely optimistic about love and marriage as a team with no ulterior motives, hidden agendas, or dependency as an underlying theme, “deserve” a ring.
 
Make sure you read the Hoely Bible

Make sure you read the Hoely Bible

Now of COURSE, there’s more to being a “wife” than all of these things. But in my opinion these are some of the most “important” the qualities of a woman who “DESERVES” a ring, beyond being able to cook, clean, wash clothes, take care of kids, and have disgustingly pleasurable sex. These are characteristics of women who have worked on themselves mentally, emotionally and financially enough to be able to “deserve” someone worth spending the rest of her life with. I personally feel that you can’t expect someone else to invest more in you than you are WILLING to invest in yourself. And half of the things that I mentions are FREE… Its about character and intention not only money.

So as for me… until I’m able to carry my family on my own if ever need be, I’m going to stay “single with a boyfriend” and kid less. 
Well said Cutty! Do you think it’s time we reevaluate our idea of deserving the ring both as men and women?
**All italicized texts gets credited to Aalex B. author of The Naked Truth blog and has simply been copy and pasted here for the enjoyment of my audience and readers.

The Deconstruction of the “Basic Bitch”


Of course, you always have the right to remain basic

Of course, you always have the right to remain basic

The derogatory insult I hear thrown so fervently around by people my age these days–everywhere from the Twitterverse to church parking lots–is the accusation that a particular woman is a “basic bitch”. Made popular by comedian Lil’ Duval and YouTube phenom turned actor SpokenReasons, a “basic bitch” indulges in various forms of inappropriate and immature behavior. These immature and inappropriate actions are always determined by the party doing the insulting and change with the perspective of that specific insulter. For example, one person may find you “basic” for donning a brightly colored hair weave. While another person thinks women who wear any type of head scarf out in public are “basic”. However, according to urbandictionary.com, the general consensus seems to describe “a bum ass woman who think she the shit but really ain’t” or my favorite “just an extra regular female”. It exists as the polar opposite of the “bad bitch”. Though I do not condone using the word “bitch” to either uplift or degrade women, I do like the idea of a “basic” class of earth dwellers identified by their extraordinary ability to be ordinary instead of exceptional. “Basic” works just like when you go to the gas station and ask for “regular”. It’s the standard package without any upgrades like when you want a Lexus but you don’t really have Lexus money so you get the most basic Lexus you can afford. No extras. No add-ons. No substitutes. Just the standard. You didn’t mature or grow up. You didn’t get better with time. You just stayed “basic”. So for the sake of this post, “basic” is an uncanny ability to aspire to mediocrity. Though we’re all born special, somewhere along the way many of us–myself included–become “basic”. I think it starts around puberty. And ends when you want it to. As adolescents and young adults struggle to find acceptance and their own minds, they pick up many “basic” philosophies from the people around them as well as media influences like movies and music. This is how you learned to navigate and survive your world. But as you age, you cannot bring those “basic” attitudes and behaviors with you as life gets more complicated. If you do, those things will weigh you down and keep you from ever reaching a deeply loving relationship and marriage destination. Therefore, I present to you a few “basic” ideologies I learned somewhere along the road and had to shed in order to keep traveling this journey with finesse and grace. Maybe you’ll be encouraged to leave your own “basic” baggage on the side of the road.

“Basic” Behaviors & Attitudes I No Longer Subscribe To:

1. “I need a hood nigga to handle me”

The idea that a hood nigga can offer the most stable and enriching environment to raise a family is a ludicrous one. Though I can see how women get things confused. Thugs have many of the qualities a woman looks for in her man. They protect and provide for their families. They take charge of situations. And they certainly don’t let a woman walk all over them. Women are often attracted to their strong leadership. Personally, I just thought good boys were all boring and life would be a much more thrilling ride with Mr. Wrong. But having a man that makes his money illegitimately, whatever the hustle, brings a host of other things with it from jail time to jealousy. Those things usually get in the way of creating anything real. long-lasting, or stable. And having a man that makes his money legitimately but operates like a crook and a thief has its pitfalls as well. So be careful who you’re allowing to handle you. Make sure he/she undergoes a thorough moral background check.

Apparently you can boast your basic status to the world for $29.99

Apparently you can boast your basic status to the world for $29.99

2. “Money over bitches” or “Don’t chase hoes, chase money”

Admittedly, I’ve never believed this myself. But there are so many adult men who still walk around saying this, I feel the need to discuss it. This is a “basic”, childish idea on two totally different levels. Of course economic development and independence are important–absolutely no argument there. However, to live a balanced life, you should chase your dreams and pursue healthy relationships. The pursuit of money will leave you without any real wealth. For example, if you simply get up every morning and grind it out at work, you’ll get a check and you’ll make money. Unfortunately, you will have to maintain that pattern to get the money. So God forbid you lose that job or you lose the ability to get up and go to work, then where are you financially? If you’re going to explore anything, explore how to create wealth–the type of money you don’t have to grind it out every day to get. And on the other end of this, refusing to chase after women will leave you lonely. Do you need to chase down every skirt that walks past you? Hardly. But the good ones are certainly worth chasing and their worth and value in a man’s life far exceed that of money! A good woman can make you smile even when you’re penniless. And you can’t put a price on that. The key is determining which ones are worth your time and attention and which ones are not.

3. “I can save him/her”

Whatever the ailment, whatever the predicament, saving someone does not create a Loving union. I always envisioned the biblical Eve being a helpmate for Adam and so as a woman like her, I believed that my role. To help men. So I always dated men that were below me in a sense and would spend a lot of time and energy trying to pull them up to my level. I would imagine myself bringing him to have a closer relationship with God, or getting out of the drug dealing life because of me, or suddenly stopping his lying and dogging ways and committing to me. But I always saw more for those guys than they ever saw for themselves. And in the end, they always backed away–feeling they could not live up to my expectations. It is not necessarily “basic” to think you can change someone. People definitely change due to the influence of others. The basicness comes from offering your assistance to those who did not ask for it and do not want it. You can only change a person that already wants to change for his or her self.

4. “If I’m going to have sex with him (or mess with him), let me at least get something out of it”

Ahhh. This reigned as my motto for most of college. I thought myself somewhat better than most women because I wouldn’t just lay on my back for no reason at all. I didn’t believe in giving up something for nothing. So I would get expensive dates, money, clothes, groceries, whatever I may have needed. I didn’t consider myself a gold digger because I never sought out men with big bucks. And I didn’t see myself as a whore because I wasn’t taking money in direct exchange for sex. It didn’t even always escalate to sex. I would make men “pay” for my time. But at the end of the day, I sold myself tremendously short because I put price tags on my most valuable assets. I used material goods to justify messing with men I should’ve left alone. Some women make themselves worth vacations in the Bahamas while others rather get their rent money. Either way, you’re worth far more than any of that. You’re worth real Love. Now I’m not saying don’t let a man dote on you. I think a man you’re dating seriously absolutely SHOULD dote on you. But I’m talking about messing with men solely because of what they can do for you and contribute. That’s not fair to yourself or to him.

5. “Never let ’em know that you care”

If you still don't know what a "basic bitch" is, put the term in the search box of youtube and view away.

If you still don’t know what a “basic bitch” is, put the term in the search box of youtube and view away.

Mostly, when I said I did not care about someone or something, I meant it. But what gets confusing is when you finally DO care because you still end up acting and behaving as if you do not. I went many years not really caring or at least thinking I did not care, and then one day I did care. For whatever reason though, I thought caring was a weakness. It seemed like if he knew how much I really cared, I would lose my power in that relationship. So I did not express that care directly. And that relationship didn’t work out for me in the end. The second time the care bear attacked, I decided to try a different approach. I cared, knew that I cared, acknowledged that I cared, and expressed that care. I learned quickly that vulnerability is much harder and shows much more strength than not caring. True relationship power comes from vulnerability. Pride will make sure you end up alone. Everyone’s pretending like they don’t care. But they’re just pretending. Or they’re stuck in a numb place. There is nothing extraordinary about that. Dare to care. Because someone has to.

6. “If he can do it to me, I can do it to him”

This was a toughie for me to let go because I’m a pretty spiteful and vindictive person. I remember a long time ago my grandmother told me I’d “cut off my nose to spite my face”. And I didn’t get it then. But I soon learned. I based many of my actions off what the other person did to me or what men had done to me in general. So if he cheated, I cheated. If he juggled his women, I’d juggle my men. If he cursed me out, I’m cursing back. I always felt some type of entitlement to hurt a person back when they hurt me. And even if I didn’t do the exact same thing as you, I’d find a way to wreak vengeance. But basing your actions and reactions off of another person’s may be the most “basic” thing of all. On judgement day, I’m going to have to answer for myself. And I don’t think “see what had happened was, he started it” is going to fly with any deity. Really, I had to learn that I just wanted people to acknowledge and understand my pain. After a person does that and even if they don’t, the best thing to do is let it go. Karma usually makes a better teacher than you or I anyways.

In what ways are you still operating basically in your relationships? Do you think it’s about time that you self-upgraded? Share your thoughts!

Oh and enjoy this video from SpokenReasons.

“Life Lessons Learned from Pussies”

“Life Lessons Learned from Pussies”

Hey Loves. I am featured on another relationship blog this month! A friend of mine is the editor of the Sexy Single Mommy, a sassy relationship blog with an in-your-face flair for the real. And you know how the saying goes, “real recognize real”. So, I’ve just been kind of a passerby fan for a while. But I finally decided to try my hand and submitted a piece. Hopefully, this will be the beginning of a successful guest contribution relationship. 🙂 Check out the piece here: Life Lessons Learned from Pussies. Until next time my Loves!

Another Letter from the Editor


To My Beautiful, Glorious, Empowered Readers:

Me in 2013

Me in 2013

Leading up to and in this new year, 2013, I have reflected, analyzed, and mulled over many things. And to some of your disdain, my posts have become a bit less frequent. I figured I at least owed you an explanation as to why. So please allow my transparency. Maybe it will help someone.

Over the last few months in my relationship with Mr. Right-For-Now, I have been obsessed with one thing and one thing only: the ring. Much of this blog has been about me learning how to Love and be Loved. I’ve dedicated myself to elevating higher than the you-can’t-find-a-man-and-keep-him-cuz-you’re-too-sassy-independent-and-unattractive rhetoric geared toward black women. All with the hope that if a regular, young black woman could do it, so could others! And as I’ve become a better and better girlfriend/woman/partner/lover/friend, through my self-exploration, relationship classes, and relationship research, my impatience with the dating game increased. Because if I’m honest, the goal of all this elevating was a ring–the ultimate pudding proof that I (and others like me) can do this Love thing in spite of everything. And although I’m smart enough to know everlasting Love doesn’t start nor end with a ring, I wanted what I wanted how I wanted it.

Sometimes, our own wants and desires blind us. We cannot hear or see God’s working or more importantly God’s timing. This may happen a bit more often in my life lol but maybe someone reading can relate. I feel like I do the work, I do what God asks me to do, and then I want my blessing. My own ego and entitled-ness does not permit me to hear God clearly shouting at me, your time is not now! Prior to this ring example, it took me five years to graduate college with two degrees. But in a last-minute effort to graduate on time, because I simply wasn’t the kind of girl who needed to do a fifth year, I took 18 credits, in addition to working an overnight job and acting as president of my collegiate honor society. As a result, I failed two courses–which severely lowered my GPA–and missed out on many hours of sleep. And still ended up doing a fifth year. It was a completely humbling experience. I remember crying to my sisterfriends, a bitter and angry spoiled brat because I hadn’t yet graduated. But who was I to think myself above having to do a fifth year? In the end, that extra year resulted in my meeting Mr. Right-For-Now. Had I graduated on time, I may not know him to this day and I certainly would not have dated him.

Mr. Right-For-Now & Ms. Not-Right-Now at the Neighborhood Inaugural Ball 2013

Mr. Right-For-Now & Ms. Not-Right-Now at the Neighborhood Inaugural Ball 2013

So when I realized my impatience for my ring put a dark cloud over my relationship, I pulled back on the reins. Whoa there. Easy girl. I must be here again because I did not completely learn my lesson the first time. And God will bring me back here again and again until I get it right. So I’ve thrown my hands up. And accepted the most simple of facts, if he hasn’t proposed, one of us or neither of us is ready. I could read a hundred more relationship articles today and that fact will remain. Now I’m not going to trick you and tell you that I’ve been some kind of happy camper since this realization. Actually, it’s been quite the opposite. I’ve been struggling and at a loss of words and advice for my other young sisters and brothers out there–hence the lack of posts. Because I do not have the answers. And I’m questioning the questions. I don’t know if we’ll work out and I don’t know if Mr. Right-For-Now will be Mr. Right-Forever. All I know is that there is a protocol for waiting that I haven’t been following. So I’m attempting to become a better waiter in 2013. And I don’t mean in the sense of waiting on my man or any person really. But because there will be lots of waiting in life. Especially for the finer things. And I figure I better get good at it now.

I love you all. And wish you LOVE in all shapes, sizes, and colors this year! There is no force greater than that of Love on this earth. Love connects us all.

Yours Truly,

Ms. Not-Right-Now

Is There Really a Black Marriage Decline?


SingleBlackMale.org post asks the question Is There Really a Black Marriage Decline?. The writer does his own research and finds that the real issue may simply be that black men and women are choosing to get married much later than we used to. Why do you think that is? Thoughts?

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