Another Letter from the Editor

To My Beautiful, Glorious, Empowered Readers:

Me in 2013

Leading up to and in this new year, 2013, I have reflected, analyzed, and mulled over many things. And to some of your disdain, my posts have become a bit less frequent. I figured I at least owed you an explanation as to why. So please allow my transparency. Maybe it will help someone.

Over the last few months in my relationship with Mr. Right-For-Now, I have been obsessed with one thing and one thing only: the ring. Much of this blog has been about me learning how to Love and be Loved. I’ve dedicated myself to elevating higher than the you-can’t-find-a-man-and-keep-him-cuz-you’re-too-sassy-independent-and-unattractive rhetoric geared toward black women. All with the hope that if a regular, young black woman could do it, so could others! And as I’ve become a better and better girlfriend/woman/partner/lover/friend, through my self-exploration, relationship classes, and relationship research, my impatience with the dating game increased. Because if I’m honest, the goal of all this elevating was a ring–the ultimate pudding proof that I (and others like me) can do this Love thing in spite of everything. And although I’m smart enough to know everlasting Love doesn’t start nor end with a ring, I wanted what I wanted how I wanted it.

Sometimes, our own wants and desires blind us. We cannot hear or see God’s working or more importantly God’s timing. This may happen a bit more often in my life lol but maybe someone reading can relate. I feel like I do the work, I do what God asks me to do, and then I want my blessing. My own ego and entitled-ness does not permit me to hear God clearly shouting at me, your time is not now! Prior to this ring example, it took me five years to graduate college with two degrees. But in a last-minute effort to graduate on time, because I simply wasn’t the kind of girl who needed to do a fifth year, I took 18 credits, in addition to working an overnight job and acting as president of my collegiate honor society. As a result, I failed two courses–which severely lowered my GPA–and missed out on many hours of sleep. And still ended up doing a fifth year. It was a completely humbling experience. I remember crying to my sisterfriends, a bitter and angry spoiled brat because I hadn’t yet graduated. But who was I to think myself above having to do a fifth year? In the end, that extra year resulted in my meeting Mr. Right-For-Now. Had I graduated on time, I may not know him to this day and I certainly would not have dated him.

Mr. Right-For-Now & Ms. Not-Right-Now at the Neighborhood Inaugural Ball 2013

So when I realized my impatience for my ring put a dark cloud over my relationship, I pulled back on the reins. Whoa there. Easy girl. I must be here again because I did not completely learn my lesson the first time. And God will bring me back here again and again until I get it right. So I’ve thrown my hands up. And accepted the most simple of facts, if he hasn’t proposed, one of us or neither of us is ready. I could read a hundred more relationship articles today and that fact will remain. Now I’m not going to trick you and tell you that I’ve been some kind of happy camper since this realization. Actually, it’s been quite the opposite. I’ve been struggling and at a loss of words and advice for my other young sisters and brothers out there–hence the lack of posts. Because I do not have the answers. And I’m questioning the questions. I don’t know if we’ll work out and I don’t know if Mr. Right-For-Now will be Mr. Right-Forever. All I know is that there is a protocol for waiting that I haven’t been following. So I’m attempting to become a better waiter in 2013. And I don’t mean in the sense of waiting on my man or any person really. But because there will be lots of waiting in life. Especially for the finer things. And I figure I better get good at it now.

I love you all. And wish you LOVE in all shapes, sizes, and colors this year! There is no force greater than that of Love on this earth. Love connects us all.

Yours Truly,

Ms. Not-Right-Now

Everybody Plays the Fool

I never expected to learn anything from my little brother or his relentless obsession with the latest Naruto game–besides maybe the correct pronunciation of Japanese names–but I did. As a big sister, I committed the cardinal sin: I turned off his x-box console without saving his progress (insert gasp here!) This left little brother in quite a predicament. He’d managed to duke it out victoriously with his toughest enemy yet just before my mom called and reminded him to go to his piano lesson. But my mishap forced little brother to restart his gaming adventure at a much earlier checkpoint. With a fierce foe once again unconquered, little brother did a very noble thing. Masking his distress,  he picked that black controller up and went right back to it. But his determination didn’t stop there. I watched him lose at least 1,035 times (No exaggeration). He adamantly ignored my pleas that he just give up and pop in another game. Frustration never outweighing his resolve, he sat there and played until he won. What looked like a futile and foolish effort to me, eventually garnered him results.

So by now I know you’re wondering “Passion, what the hell does all this have to do with dating?” Well. The ideology behind little brother’s perseverance is one we’re all well-groomed in. Whether it was something cheesy and sing-songy like “winners never quit and quitters never win” or some celebrity’s E True Hollywood Story, life finds a way to drown us with plenty of don’t-give-up-you-can-do-it-isms. Why does life encourage this? Because people who never give up, will eventually know what winning feels like. In fact, at a very young age, we actually learn to despise quitters. It’s kind of like we associate quitting with a lower class group of lowlifes. We might as well round-up all quitters and force them to wear scarlet Qs. Despite our disdain for quitting, for some reason or another, this don’t-give-up-you-can-do-it philosophy doesn’t seem to apply to every facet of our lives.

At many points in my dating life when things turned sour, I simply gave up. Instead of just chalking those men up as isolated bad experiences, I applied rules and principles learned with one man to men in general. For example, I am very attracted to wit and intelligence. So I tend to go for the kind of guys who get good grades and read a bit more than the average joe. For the sake of time, we can call them nerds. So I dated this nerdy guy once who also turned out to be rather timid in situations where I felt threatened. And as if they could smell the fear on him, other men showed him little to no respect. After that catastrophe, I concluded  that in most cases nerds will also be timid. With this system, I find myself saying things like  “I’ll never date a pretty boy”, “I’ll never date a guy with daddy issues”, and “I just can’t date nice guys, I just can’t!” after each relationship. So after my first true love landed me in the penthouse suite at the heartbreak hotel, it shouldn’t surprise you that I quit men altogether. By then the thought of a real, loving relationship seemed almost laughable. Plus I had a laundry list of dating I can’ts, I won’ts, and nevers. So I folded my hand in the dating game and convinced myself I no longer had an interest in playing it. I just couldn’t handle looking and feeling like a fool again and again. Just the thought of how many more times I might have to lose before I won was enough to keep me benched on the sidelines of life.

(For more on avoiding healthy relationships click here).

By the time my Mr. Right-For-Now came along, I was pretty sure I finished playing the game for good. I’d actaully started to relish the thought of living with cats forever. And nobody spurned me for giving up. The American divorce rate shows I’d joined the ranks of plenty saying “down with Love” these days.  But I guess Mr. Right-For-Now saw a star player in me, a winner that I didn’t even see in myself. So he forced me off the bench, made me place a bet. And every minute on the clock has reminded me why I started playing the game in the first place. It never occurred to me back in heartbreak hotel that no matter your game, Love or Naruto, “everybody plays the fool, sometimes. There’s no exception to the rule.” You will not and I repeat WILL NOT win all the time. You’re bound to screw up, date some losers, and choose the wrong ones for the wrong reasons. But you’ll be happy to know winning all the time kind of defeats the purpose. Because your losses are what build character. They make you go home and reflect on how you can improve. And they prepare you for success. Nobody ever explained back then that you have to lose a few times to really appreciate that win. Why? Because then you can compare that high feeling to the low one, that Mr. Do-Dirty to Mr. Perfect-For-You. Add your love life to your list of things never to give up on and I promise you a W.

Check out this adorable oldie that I named the piece after!!! OMG! lol

Commitment Issues? Me? But Women Don’t Have Those

A little over a month ago, I went on a rather impromptu first date with a guy I‘m currently seeing. And on the night of our rendezvous, I had an unseemly black eye. In most cases, I would have simply rescheduled after the swelling on my face looked less like a botched Botox job. But the guy and I conversed on the phone a few times and he’d given off really good vibes. I decided to take a chance and go anyway.

For fear of looking too much like a Chris Brown and Rihanna rematch, we opted for takeout at his apartment instead of venturing out in public. And neither the apartment setting nor the black eye seemed to put a damper on the getting-to-know-you conversation. In fact, the story surrounding the facial swelling prompted a humorous conversation about my most recent relationship history. Unfortunately, the last guy I dated instigated a drunken brawl between my sister and I (over an iPod he refused to return). Needless to say, my sister and I made up—but I don’t see much of a future with Mr. Get-me-punched-in-the-face.

In between bites of shrimp Alfredo, my new friend listened to me carefully, laughed when appropriate, and lent his honest criticism.

“I think you have commitment issues”, he’d said. Knowing me for about a week—maybe, he addressed me with an undeniable certainty that made me actually consider the thought. Sure, we exchanged a few evil ex stories but what exactly in my past pointed directly to commitment issues? Those guys had wronged me, not the other way around! Commitment issues? Me? But women don’t have those.

I always thought most women had their weddings planned out by age 4. But a little research showed pre-pre-nuptial cold feet is a common thing for the modern woman. According to Audrey Chapman, author of Seven Attitude Adjustments to Finding a Loving Man, women got a little more than we bargained for after the movement for equality (check out her Q&A talking about commitment on the Discovery Health website http://tiny.cc/4ym7m). Chapman claims that the new opportunities women have to excel career-wise have women avoiding marriage just as much as men. So along with other un-pleasantries like their ability to pick up the tab, today’s women have also inherited men’s commitment issues (Isn’t “liberation” great?). Chapman goes on to describe the four types of commitment-phobic women.

The “Pity Party-Goer”. She’s got a classic case of what Chapman deems the self-fulfilling prophecy of dating, choosing all the Mr. Wrongs just to reiterate a deep down belief that relationships will not work. And doing things this way, she always manages to prove herself right.

The “Boomerang”. She continually goes back to that one lousy boyfriend she’s had since elementary school. They break up and get back together more than cheap jewelry. But she stays with the loser just to avoid a real relationship.

The “Detective”. This woman is on a never-ending search for perfection, keeping her from committing to anything solid. Her dream man is the best at everything. Regrettably, however, Mr. Perfect is just that—a dream.

The “Picky Picker”. Unlike the rest of these women, she tends to end up with good men. But she picks at them like a picky eater picks at her food, finding fault where there is none.

If you feel anything like I felt after reading this, your jaw just dropped to the floor. Its okay, pick it up and own your phobia. Hi, my name is Passion and I am a “Pity Party-Goer”. All this time I thought Mr. Right evaded me when really, I must have leaped a little too willingly into the arms of Mr. Wrong. And although my misadventures make great stories, it seems these jerks have all been a subconscious effort to avoid real commitment. So what’s next on the quest to becoming someone’s Mrs. Right? Well I don’t know yet. But I do know I will be seeing a lot more of this new guy.