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She’s Cool But…I’d Be Settling

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Asking someone to consider if their significant other is “Mr(s) Right-For-Now” can be taken offensively, but the question warrants serious reflection.

There I sat–happy, anxious, and shocked all at the same time.  In the driver seat to my left was my homeboy who I grew up with.

“You’re a GROWN ASS MAN now,” I joked. “You got the family-sized SUV, good-paying job, apartment with your girlfriend and a dog!  What’s next?”

He laughed, took a deep breath and said, “Honestly man, I’m saving up for a ring.”

Oh. F#ck No!

I would say I was surprised, but not really.  Since high school we all knew what Tyson needed in his life to be content.  Good food, good movies, relaxation and a few other adult requests I’d rather not mention.  Anyway, it was a short list.  And after my first visit to his new place and kickin’ it with him and his girlfriend, I can honestly say that Brotha is H-A-P-P-Y.

Naturally, I had to ask an important question (stolen from the movie, I Love You, Man), “So, is she the one, or just the next one?”  Asking someone to consider if their significant other is “Mr(s) Right-For-Now” can be taken offensively, but the question warrants serious reflection.

“She’s the one bro.  We have a great time together, our families like each other and she treats me right.  I’m good.” His voice carried an air of confidence. It was a wholesome “good.

Though he is the first of my tight friends to be that close to considering marriage, I must admit, it is kind of unsettling to know that we are at the age where weddings are no longer unrealistic.  In my daily conversations, I realize that plenty of people aren’t into “playing games” anymore.  They want serious relationships.  Understandable.  I agree.  I agree agree…

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I mean, what if I wake up next to her and think, “ehhh…she’s aiiiiiiiiiight?”

But how do I know if the girl I’m dating is right?  How do I know that I will be satisfied? How do I know that I’m not settling?  Help me understand!

Scenario #1

She would be a great wife…to someone else. I’m just not physically attracted to her, enough.  I mean, what if I wake up next to her and think, “ehhh…she’s aiiiiiiiiiight?” Am I Shallow Hal? What would I think if she felt that way about me?!?! I’d think she needs an eye exam! Our chemistry can be good, but to sustain a healthy relationship there needs to be a certain level of physical attraction. How do I know where the limit is in the looks department?

Scenario #2

She doesn’t motivate me to grow.  She’s happy to have me just the way I am.  Sounds nice, but I want a woman who inspires me to be a better man for her.  A King for his Queen. If she doesn’t expect more from me, will she ever get more from me?  A good friend once told me, “What you put up with, you end up with.”  Am I settling by dating a woman whom I know does not command my full potential?

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You got how many bodies?

Scenario #3

Her past is questionable.  We’ve all done things we don’t want to admit.  Well, she admitted it, and now, I can’t take it!  For us men, this could be a number of things, i.e: “You got how many bodies!?!?!”  or “You did that to your ‘best friend’?” or “Are you like that every time you get drunk?”  Yes, people can change, but their history of behavior can give some insight into their decision-making ability.  Let’s face it, if they cheated in all of their previous relationships, what makes you so sure it won’t happen to you? What does their record tell you?  Am I settling by moving forward even though her past has me skeptical?

Conclusion:

As always, you have to know what you like.  This comes from experiencing life by yourself and with different people.  Honest self-reflection is key.  Take time to understand what you like, don’t like, and why.  The more you study, the more ready you will be when Mr(s) Right does come along.  I’m still exploring.  But the more I look into the people around me, and not just at them, the more I understand who I need in my life to keep me H-A-P-P-Y.

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About DLSmith625

Direction. Love. Solidarity.

11 responses »

  1. Scenario #1 is always a slippery slope. I think plenty of good women get overlooked because they don’t look like Halle Berry–especially if they may be a lil plump. Which interestingly enough, is a physical attribute that can absolutely change. I’m thinking like Jill Scott in Why Did I Get Married? Or maybe the girl has the wrong hairstyle, you don’t like the way she dresses, or she has too much makeup on. All changeable things that can adjust. And I think if a man is looking for something real, there’s some physical things he should be able to look past if he’s attracted to her otherwise.

    Besides that, I think if a single man spends his single time working on himself and improving himself physically, emotionally, financially, and mentally–to be a better mate and eventually a husband–he will attract that one woman worth saving up for a ring.

    Reply
    • Yeah, it is a tough situation. Looks aren’t everything, but they do matter! Knowing what you can live with it key. If I want a beautiful woman, mind, BODY, and soul; am I settling by being with one who’s only beautiful to me mind and soul? Shoot for the max, right?

      Reply
      • What I’m saying is if you meet a woman that you Love mind and soul, because that’s such a sacred beautiful thing in and of itself–especially if in addition to all that, she loves you for you– then maybe y’all can work out together! And I don’t think that’s settling. If the shoes were on the other foot and I turned down a great guy bc he was a lil chubby or too short, I’d be shallow. I think the more shallow a man is,the more shallow women he’s gonna meet so he better have all his looks ducks in a row! Or be sitting on a shitload of money lol If you’re going to be picky, be picky about character and compatibility.

      • (Delete the other comment)

        @MsNRN

        The thing is, there is a difference between men & women.

        It is not about being shallow, because that line comes from men & women who are not in a position to choose.

        When women are 25 and under, they can ask for the moon in men, and a lot of times, they will get it.

        Accomplished, confident swagnificent men can do the same.

        Do not ever allow anyone to shame you into being shallow/weak/silly etc. for your demands in life.

        Have a nice weekend.

      • So I’m particularly sensitive about this topic, lol. Not deciding to date someone because of their height is different than their weight. I can’t change that fact that I’m short. Damn! lol. But I can control my weight. And if I choose to be out of shape, then I can’t be mad at someone for not liking that. As I wrote, I think it is just a matter of how flexible you are willing to go when you find someone who is great but physically you aren’t as satisfied…Case by case basis for me!

        Thanks for the perspective @motrenaissance !

  2. The first thought I had after reading this was YOU WORRY TOO MUCH. I found it amusing because I worry too much too. LOL. So it was kinda the cat calling the kettle black.

    My next thought was that maybe WE worry too much. Maybe focusing on all the reasons we may potentially not like someone prevents us from really liking them. I know I was worried about a lot of things at first with my current Mr. Right-For-Now. And if I’d listened to all my worries, I wouldn’t have really given him a chance.

    But I agree with the figuring out what you like part. If I hadn’t explored what was out there, maybe I wouldn’t have known how much I really liked this guy and why.

    Reply
  3. Great article. Its refreshing to hear a male’s perspective.

    Reply
  4. On a personal note, I fall into the category on the guy in this article and combining the fact that today’s marriage 2.0 is a raw deal for most men marriage is out of the question for me. I love my girls and I treat all the same, good girls, smart girls, sl*tty girls, etc.

    But for those who see marriage as a viable option. What are you marry for.

    Is it love? Or is it a business arrangement (which is what marriage mostly is)

    Scenario #1: Physical Attraction

    Love: By all means you need to get the youngest, most attractive woman you can find. I would find a chaste college chocolate 19 year old model chick & lock it down.

    Business: You have to date practically. You have to find a girl that you can AT LEAST tolerate. But smart, and great for building wealth & legacy.

    Scenario #2: She Makes Me a Better Man

    Love AND Business: This is HUGE for me. I need a girl who challenges every fiber of my being. Who makes me dig deep into my spirit. Who brings me to my highest self. And this transcends both areas.

    Scenario #3: Questionable Past

    Love: I am a huge believer of marrying a woman with 2 or less men under her belt. She can’t have any s*xtapes floating around. She cannot have been a man’s side chick, ever. I would rather try & fail at marriage with a well-known chaste woman, than rather try & fail at marriage with a known h*e. I know alot of women do not understand that logic, but your guest speaker understands.

    Business: Irrelevant. I want to know I can trust her to hold me down. I want to know if she is loyal to my money.

    I hope that helps.

    Reply
    • I don’t think you can meet a woman that makes you a better man if y’all have a business arrangement or a Love situation. It’s gotta be something more than both of those. Something say like…..purpose.

      Reply
    • I do agree, marriage CAN be a raw deal for most men, but that is the point of the article. Don’t settle! If you stick to your guns, and pursue only the ones who are truly worth it, your marriage will be good. Personally, I would be marrying to have a happy (traditional?) family, life and serve as a positive role model for my community.

      I think you have some legit concerns, that’s why I think everyone should be very selective as far as who they choose to marry, and most importantly, WHY!? If she tells me, I want to marry you because you have a good job, she can kiss my ass. She could be gone soon as she meets a new man with a better job! I need to know why you love ME specifically.

      So yeah, I agree. Marriage is a mix of love and business, but there are several other factors to include as well. As Ms-Not-Right-Now said, purpose is a good one.

      Peace!

      Reply

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