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I Have A Confession to Make…

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I don’t usually do this. But tonight I am writing a post to help me release some inner turmoil related to a seldom talked about but often felt human emotion that I’m currently experiencing. So here goes the confession…

You see, I can be a VERY  jealous and envious person. And not necessarily in that traditional don’t-you-dare-look-in-my-boyfriend’s-direction way. Ironically enough, that kind of thing doesn’t bother me. No. I mean something more like assuming that everyone is happy but me, wondering what those happy people have that I don’t, putting myself down for not having said “thing”, and then longing for this mysterious x-factor that would supposedly make my life better.  When I was younger, I would go as far as looking at Facebook pictures of women that looked happy and wish I had whatever it is they had that made them so happy. Only I never found out what that was because I based my assumptions off faulty premises. I saw pretty, smiling faces and assumed happiness. But when it came to my life–which I knew in far more detail–I only saw the lack and I only felt the constant longing. As you can guess, I carried this trait into all of my past relationships and even, unfortunately, into the current one. Sometimes, the constant longing proved a good thing. It propelled me endlessly toward solutions when we had problems. It helped me accept and receive feedback and criticism so that I could become a better partner.  Finally, it encouraged me to speak up for myself and challenge the men in my life to meet my needs. But other times, envy made it harder to wait and to trust and to feel content where I am. Tonight certainly seemed more like the latter. I watched two people I don’t particularly care for do something that I’ve always wanted to do. And I became so suddenly unhappy with my situation. Why did they get to do this? And why did I have to witness it? Why wasn’t it me up there? The negativity multiplied and spread through my body like a sickness. Jealousy must INDEED be a disease because I caught a bad case of it. Despite the fact that Mr. Right-For-Now works overtime to ensure that I enjoy my relationship life and that I have no reason to envy anyone else’s, somehow I always find myself longing. I am not proud of my response. This isn’t me bragging. This is me feeling weak, sick, and ashamed. Even though I appreciate everything Mr. Right-For-Now does, I still felt the poisonous sting of jealousy because someone else got something I wanted. I still feel it now as I write these words. Envy is my vice and it has been for a long time. And I don’t have a list of thought-out solutions, clever fixes, or innovative suggestions for myself or for anyone experiencing this. After all, I don’t really think you can avoid feeling jealous.  But I will use this experience as information and an opportunity to grow. God revealed me to me tonight. I learned that no matter how much I may have grown to Love myself, grown to trust my partner, and grown happy in my relationship, someone else’s life and relationship can still influence me. So now I know what I need to work on to mature.

Thank you for letting me share! I feel oodles better just admitting this. You know what they say, “the first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem.” In that same respect, the first step to expelling envious emotions is expressing them. I hope to write again soon with news of my progress. Goodnight Loves.

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About The Black Soliloquist

Summer Rain. Whispers me to sleep and wakes me up again. Sometimes I swear I hear it call my name. You wash away the pain. My summer rain.

2 responses »

  1. Well, once again: I can relate.

    First, some advice that I recently heard from Rahsaan’s mama on letting other relationships influence you: No two relationships are the same. If your’s works for you and yours, don’t try to adjust it to what you think other people’s looks like. (If it doesn’t work for you and yours, you have a problem but it’s up to you to solve together, no outside forces can really assist).

    Second: my solution to the envy has been a boost of narcissism. When I start feel the Facebook Effect (thinking everyone around me is happy and I’m not), I just tell myself that there’s plenty of people who are thinking the same about my life. And then I tell myself that all those other “happy” people may just be surface while I am truly happy on the inside. And then I try to make that reality.

    *eh* I play mind games. =D

    Reply
    • I feel your methods. It’s like when you’re having one of these moments, you really do have to coach yourself through it lol. I tried your narcissism bit in a slightly different way. I reminded myself that I have a GREAT man and that the person I was envious of wasn’t so great of a person. And it did help. Although I felt a lil arrogant/mean for doing it.

      Reply

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